The fault in our stars

 THE FAULT IN OUR STARS. I am so glad that I found this book.

It is a good way to finally sum up my absence in this blogosphere since the very last post. There has been few occasions where my thoughts n words just run wild in my head and I definitely feel the urge to blog about it but something, something has deterred me from doing so. But I guess now its high time for me to reflect on it.

I've always enjoy good book. There r so many high intelligence process going on during the process of reading. U r allowed to have u very own rights n creativity in expanding ur imagination, feeling, emotion n whatnot. The characters , so much to reflect. And u fall in love n feel connected someway. They mirror u n they r like a part of u. They becomes ur friends. I know it's fiction but fiction is limitless n invincible.

I've always wondered about life. And currently doing Psychiatry posting, seeing people with mental illnesses n the suffering they have to endure n battle thru. It's not only their war but the family n love ones r involved too. Everyone has their own story to tell. I, as a medical student, just sat there mutely listening n understanding their scomplaints and often hit by waves by sympathy and empathy towards them. And the what? Who r going to ease all these excruciating pain n suffering? Karma is the only answer. karma is the only excuses for me to cope with these. "Maybe they have committed bad things n now is the punishment" it's a selfish n immature thought I admit. But then what, I am no God, no Saint, no Messenger.

And these stories make me reflect on my life. Many times, I am really grateful and thankful for the life I have. So, I want to do more good. Genuinely and passionately. Kind and patient. I secretly wish that I can n will be a billionaire n need not worry about the rolling of money or career or whatnot n go out and help these people. Because it does feel good helping people! 

And I wanttoenjoy life while I can. Life's too short gotta live it long! I want to do what I like, what makes me happy. I want to fall in love! I want to have that incredible passion for life! Like waking up everyday, with a purpose. I want to make a change in my life. I want to take challenges n kind of likeoccupy myself with things so that its not all about Medicine n just passing exams n get a medical degree. I'm still looking for That something that I am born for.

So, the fault in our stars. Poignantly beautiful. I wish I can find that true love too. :)

This is the very first fiction that unexpectedly activated my nasolacrimal gland and had my warm tears welled up and were too stubborn to flow down. I did t feel it coming. Normally, for such heartbreaking-yet-another-teenage-love-story which ends tragically only left me felt waves of tingling sensation crawling upon the limbs but JohnGreen just put that Motherly element in it that I couldn't help to suppress the emotion. He is just that good. A genius at words. I'm in love.

My Person has got to have that element of humor, wit and sensitive! A literature guy please. 

#50shadesoffuckedup

found this in Draft so...

i have finally finished reading Fifty Shades trilogy, with a heavy heart.

it's like when someone asks you to not think about an Elephant, what do u do? hah. of course u think about an Elephant. provided u have seen one before(Inception). so, when i first read about the various responses and critics towards E.L. James latest success, and the movie adaptation is taking shape soon, i knew that i have to get myself in the fuss. and what a great satisfaction and gratitude it s. i totally get it now. i cant even put it down, very page turning and even after i put it down, taking the very necessary breaks, it still lingers in my mind. and fcuk. even after days, i still think about it, a hell lot.

nonetheless, for myself, it isn't about the astoundingly erotic love making visuals and writing that keeps my head busy. i just really appreciate how the love story was written and the emotional values it brings about and yes okay maybe a little bit of the sexual thingy. but really, it redefines what i "probably" seek for if i am blessed with meeting one true love. i mean, if Love is that happy, carefree, emotional, caring and all the other good things it bring out in two persons, i totally want to fall in love. truth is, where the hell does Love going to strike upon me?     

of course, Christian Grey is just a fantasy; A perfect man, beautiful, handsome, wealthy, intelligent, protective and all those values and qualities that seem to only exist in fiction. fiction that blinded us avid reader. but there's nothing wrong with hoping and dreaming right?

some think that the stories is sick, very uncivilized, shames and the list goes on. well, there's going to be a part of people who love it while there are a portion who don't. it's like Justin Bieber, he has a huge amount of fans but he also has a shit lot more people who hate him. same goes to the World Leaders, or King of Pop, movies, food you know just things basically. can't expect every living person in the whole wide world to love it. except money and other luxurious of course. truth is, there's always two sides of things.  or three. the neutral, i dont give a damn kind.

flaw

i have been having fluctuating mood swing recently. this is not about academic. i felt emotionally disturbed and upset for so many things that hit me at once. it's more of the haunted past that now seem to surface again albeit i have already look over the matter and move on. it's coming back to me now. new theory postulated : i am never ever going to look pass this because the only way is to solve it, confrontation and improvise whatever that is left broken. actions speak louder. it always has. maybe i am wrong about letting things flow on it own but i lost in the track of fast pacing time.

true. i live everyday with that tad of remorse and unexplainable grief for what and who i am today. i could be happier. nonetheless, as i am jotting this down, every fibers of my being feel about to burst into shattering pieces for that accumulative pressure and depression. it is undeniably a worsening and worrisome psychological disorder.

i will never understand how could everybody just let it happened and it has been dragged for years now which seem like eternity. i dont want to give up but already lost hope and faith. this could have been Karma. i am inflicting This on myself. i am angry, sad, disappointed and beyond anguish but who am i to blame? just somebody that i used to know.

so i was thinking that all Parents have always believe in the good of their children. Take the case of Amanda Knox for example. they love their child so much that for whatever mistakes and wrongs the child do, they will forgive them. because loving them is easy. loving them is right. 

i might have a few opinions on right and wrong but i am not a Mother or know what's it like to have a child of blood of my own. i also want to believe in the good of people and always look at their good side no mater how bad the situation seems to be. however, even though i adore my parents and proud of them as well as thankful, grateful and love them for bringing me up and pretty much a modest parenting skill, i disagree with them in a few matters. i dont know if they choose to turn a blind eye or pamper their child so much that they never seem to see anything wrong. or maybe, their perception is difference with what i see. it could also be a hidden agenda. a lack of communication. this would even prove that their parenting skill is indeed flawed somewhere. however, i disagree with putting the parents solely on the blame. the child plays a big role too. i mean, as an adult, should be able to think ahead, to visualize the bigger picture instead of indulging in that brief moment of pleasure no? 

so i pretty much is a bit furious at my dad and mum. i think our communication is a huge weak point. i am not sure how i can i live days without calling. not even saying a hi or anything for that brief 15 seconds? or do they even care about me at all? What was on their minds? "Surrounded by bunch of people who love me unconditionally but i still feel exceptionally lonely in this estranged world". so, i am not even allowed to fall in love nor do i intend to. i cant even love my family the right way. 

okayyy. when i look back this post in the hear future. i wont probably remember what this is all about. too subtle.

revitalizing what's been forgotten

holy shyt. okay. i think i really start to love swearing. no, not really. i dont normally spit it out in public or any conversations but i know that my subconcious love that to bit. it's just not my culture but profanity is pretty much mainstream nowadays. it's like IT's the the only right thing to say at the right time, right situation, right occasion. and yes, in social media i can freely type as i wish and literally speak my mind. so yeah. holy shyt...i havent blog for 4 freaking months.

it's either my life has been really 'good', boringly routine, or my creative writing cells have succumbed to necrosis. or i am just on my energy saving mode. but, i am back again today and 4 months have definitely been a long journey. digging thru the past-4-months file in my rusty mind, i know that there were certain things worth blogging about. take for example, 1. how i deal with my final exam 2. bangkok trip 3. people generally

i should really bare in mind to blog more frequent not to leave it to isolation because i really love writing. and frankly, i am now really inspired with my recent reading. i am on semester break and there's plenty of time so ive decided to indulge in reading. i have been intrigued with one of the most talk-about topics since i couldn't really remember when but on my recent visit to the bookstore, surprisingly saw it on the best seller shelves. did they even allow it in boleh-land? and a few days after, i know instantly that i have to really get myself in the circle of the most hyped thing in town right now after the ridiculous success of Twilight Trilogy then The Hunger Games Trilogy. it's really a guilty pleasure for me and the series are deemed a taboo, so after one and a half way thru it, i am pretty much a Fifty Shades of fucked up myself.

the academics and scientists and whatsoever professors always reckon Fiction as a waste of time. they are more dwell in their non-fiction lengthy facts and philosophy publication. i have never picked a book from the self-management, economics, or any other self-help kit section that most readers find to have found a new insight to it. and apparently, great new knowledge. exception to The Secret and Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus and the Tuesday with Morris thing. i itch to read them, maybe someday if i get free sample.

so, what i am trying to depict is that i rather read some fantasy, creative imagination and intriguingly beautiful writing than reading something that would take up more than half of my learning ability to rationalize and arguing with the points in the non-fiction books. i am not intelligent or patience. i rather have myself sinking, and giggling into the non-existence world.

but, i think it's not the high time yet to spill my thoughts on my recent readings. i havent finish the trilogy yet. i know that i can finish it in days but trust me, u have to take a break in between or else i am really going to suffocate to death from the too exaggerated excitement. my mind was running wild. really wild. furthermore, i dont want the reading to end so fast. i couldnt bear to think about ending it say by this month then i would left hanging in my imagination. but in between resting time, i decided to revitalize this abandon blog and brushing up my writing skills albeit finding myself struggling hard finding the right verbs, adjectives and whatnot. i should have start reading at younger age. like read just anything, everything but not to be picky. there's an entire Classical collections that i want to get my head in so much so that i am in that 'circle' of bookclub but no. the language and writings are too much for me to digest. on the sidenote, i havent find the right inspiration and cause to do so, so no, not now.

one negative thing about reading Fictions is probably you find yourself hard to cope with reality. like you want to be the character in the books so much. you want to meet those characters. the characters who are way too cool, and unbelievably awesome. everything in the books is perfect. but when you have to pull away from that cloud of graphic and coaxing your soul back to planet Earth, it instantly eats u from inside out. still, the best thing afterwards is hoping. and keep on dreaming. and never forget to fight for it. and one day i wish i can say to myself that my wish/dream comes true. :)
       

A hard life

Find myself living a very lucky and luxurious life in so many ways.
Met an old patient who have been suffering from bronchial asthma for the past 40years. And she wasn't on proper medication, just taking supplement here and there n some traditional meds. She was so frail in bed, in fact most of the patients are weak n frail, lying on the bed, with that hollowly sad eyes, lost in thought and all I wonder is what has life bring to them for as much as they could remember. She was in shortness of breathe, on nasal drip and we, the desperate medical students were approaching her with the hope that she will talk to us.
Maybe, she needs us as mush as we appreciate her cooperative too.
I started with some small talk. Really bad at things like this. Felt like that asshole hypocrite again because I know how much I hate talking n meddling with people, I hate the ambience in the hospital, not forget to mention that I was constantly reminding myself of how I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a medical officer.
Old people always remind me of my late grandparents and my grandmother.
She was constantly uttering how difficult her life had been. She was a rubber tapper. with her worsening asthma, she still had to work during those days. The son will come for a visit in the afternoon. That put a smile on my face. Her husband had ceased 4 years ago. She remembered it well, it was at the same hospital. i can hear the longing there. Love is a powerful thing, I somehow wish that I met Love too. When we questioned on family history, she had turned to a different frequency. She never met her parents. They had sold her away. She had been living with the godparents. my heart sank. she didn't continue anymore. I know that there must be an unfathomable hardship in the family and whatnot with the poor education on contraceptive, it's inevitable. It was another great awakening to me. I am born 'lucky' and 'rich'.
She was surprisingly talkative and fun albeit in respiratory distress. I promised to visit her again tomorrow. I hope I keep my words. I think she remember us. The old lady opposite her bed still remember that I helped her with the medication yesterday. my friend said she was like a little psychotic. I thought so too. I can't even comprehend a single words she said. She waved at us earlier. I think she remembered us. It must have been the loneliness.

I just don't understand God sometimes. Is there seriously a Creator at all? By believing and having faith makes more sense. With karma and incarnation, it makes more sense. Maybe some people suffered thru hardship because they have yield that bad karma over their past life. And those born into well to do family probably had earned good karma points over the past years. If I believe in one life, isn't it sounds unfair? Then I would be questioning why some were born into that goddamn rich family that they don't even need to care for the taxes or saving in their account, living a real tycoon life.
I really feel excrutiatingly bad for people who had suffered a lot in their life. physically and mentally.

all i've ever needed

every now and then, at any moment in any random day, i would look at my life and my day and thought to myself that 'this is seriously not getting me anywhere, i am not doing anything productive, i am not doing something that bring any good, i waste so much time, i dont know what to do with my life, yada yada yada'. i know that i never stop whining about it but seriously, i need a space, a person or anything that i can pour this out, nevermind not getting any replies or words of courage because life's like this.

if i keep it inside, i think i am going to be more sad than i already am. 

sometimes, i dont even know who i am. i dont talk to nobody. i can just ignore my family. i can talk to nobody for days, my parents or god parents. when i need them, only then i ring them. i always think i am such a hypocrite . i know that they can provide me with so and so hence i only initiate to call them up for it. well, most of the stuffs i talk about with them are of superficially random boring things. i never ever touch about my studies. because i just hate it that much and i have no knowledge whatsoever in it. and i think everybody thinks that i am so darn awesome but the truth is that i am not. i dont want to talk about anything medicine and i dont want anybody to even mention a thing about it and ask me medical stuffs. cough and pain and tiredness. better get a proper medical consult.

i never talk about the stress life i have too. probably somebody notices but what can they do. i never talk about my feelings. it's clear that they never mention about several mystery and conflicts that was raised here and there that i heard about. and i aint going to ask them about those 'adults thing' too. it's just too much to swallow in with my already fucked up life.

and i despise people that are surrounding me sometimes. what's wrong with the people i met nowadays? y am i stuck with people who can brag nonchalantly about their ability, their success, their superiority? i aint impress at all. sometimes, i just want to shout shut the fuck up already or occasionally land a couple of missiles and attack them with my stories too so that these people learn to be more humble and show respects. the conclusion is that i cant trust nobody. i have trust issue.

the only thing that i want in my life now, i have already screwed it up a decade ago and it really pains me still. i try to make amend but we are all grown up now. things changed. running in the same blood and i seriously think that there are quite a number of things that we share in common. it was so incredible how it struck me that someone actually mirror me.   

keep calm because life's like this.  

Y.O.L.O

october was packed with exams and the long dreadful study week in between. birthday welcomed october but it didnt seem to contain the melancholic atmosphere and the monotonic posts that lie between the lines if i were to blog it the previous month so i reckon i probably just skipped everything all over.

so i went for a holiday in singapore just a couple of weeks ago. everything seemed better on the other side of the country. everything was almost perfect. everything was better. the road. the dustbin, htrees. the falling leaves. it did really baffle you how things are so much different with just a strait away. hah. that's just the 'kampung' me finally get to see the world.

it really just taught me that the world is such a bug space so if you cant fit in one particular field, there are so many more places to explore. it's a small country but it has so mch to offer.

enjoy a couple of mind-exploding roller coaster rides, just for the sake of fun. i just want to feel young, daring. that f8cking few minutes on ar when you are totally insecure and free falling and has no sense of gravitational feel at all. sometimes, it really feels awesome to put your mind and body go thru hell. #youonlyliveonce!

realizng that, i have so much more on my list to do. bungee jump tops the list. i have so many more crazy things to do too. the question is how passionate and committed i am about them. and who are going to be there to share that dream. will i have enough resources and time for them?