Dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI&feature=related

emotionally attached to this song. it best depicts my life! :')
too bad i never really get to speak to God, literally. not sure if He knows, He understands and eventually He brings that pain into everybody ackknowledgement?
if i were to fly from the highest tree, it would be committing suicide.
i still have that dream, i dont mean to change the world but i am sure i could touch people's life in so many other ways. even if people doubt it, i am very sure there are a lot that i can do. i may not be saving life. we are all just trained and programmed to remember this and that and make decision. it has to be someone who are willing to go thru al the turmoils and tribulations. it has to be someone who is willing to do all the gruesome works, all the dirty works. someone who removes tumour, who fix organs, who improve your life.
i still have that dream, just not this. just think it was tad hypocrite when you cant even sympathize with those apparently healthy people, not patients' difficulties. Just see them as a good example of learning person, occasion conversation and ask about their well-being. sure, it's worth to see that smile and thank you but does that all define a noble person?

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest tree. 
I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 

I had a dream

Sincerely me

Dear God,

Again, I pray to You for strength and intellectual. I am praying for my friend, A also hoping that this friend will get thru the obstacles because apparently A deserves a much better life than I do. I pray that You bless the family and may A finds strength and courage in the journey too. A definitely needs more of those than me. Stop taking car of me but A instead. Sincere plea.

It's just one of those "insomnic" nights, again. Just end this chapter of my life already cuz I need a new chapter and new plot. Birthdays coming but i think it would be the most emotional birthday ever.

Freedom

I see people receiving key-necklace from the mum, dad, family or whosoever for their 21st birthday, be it gold, silver or platinum. It symbolizes freedom that their parents recognise, it also indicates maturity and most importantly it symbolise an adulthood that I think parents starting to acknowledge hoping the children will soon take up the responsibility. It has never been a tradition in my family though. Therefore, it kind of baffled me to hear friends after friends joining the 21 club with their valuably sparkling key necklace and ornaments. I never want that for my birthday. I would be more happy to receive loads of cash and to see adddition digits in my bank saving account. I think hard for my desire birthday present. Suddenly, i just find it very irritating to even celebrate birthday because i believe that to date, nobody can ever give me the bestbooth day gift ever. And it has always been the only thing that i ever i wanted. I am more livid to learn that actually I am the one who hinder myself from grasping that taste of heaven.  all I ever want is the freedom of making decision that I would never be judged and evaluated on and become the talk and gossip of the town. I know that it would upset so many people and god only knows I probably trigger sudden death due to cardiac arrest or just due to depression that they share. I want a free life, a free soul, no longer binding to any institution or to station to whatever that I am doing now. I want and need to breathe the air of happiness and carefreeness. U see, these are all very simple thing and they are free  no charges taxes whatsoever but I could never have them.

I have so many things to say but every time it always end with a no. No, I don't have anything to say and bye. The calling time has become shorter with each passing days and I found that I am no longer interested to share my stories and my what about or whereabouts because it just disgusted me. I have developed into becoming an introvert and bitter person. A very depressed and psychotic one. I don't even want to look them thru the virtual media. It just pain me and irritated me a little because I am making myself thinking hat they are the reason why am I suffering right now. It just agonised me because I want them to rescue me from these living hell but deep down, even though I occasionally voice up my problems, they bound to be indifference.

I am the most loneliest person in this world. 
you know youre loved by a lot of people and u have great parents but still feel lonely inside because nobody can ever give u what u need most. :'(

independence no more

On the verge of celebrating the 55th independent day.

At The end of second week of my OnG posting. 

I just notice that I've only managed to blog once this month, and this would be the last for this month. So many things have happened within four weeks' time and so many new thoughts and ideas have propagated from my daily observation and endurance. 

Well, I am going to only revise through the important historical event; the very first live birth witnessed with my naked eyes. It was miraculous! Well, could not really articulate how it was because no adjective fit. I am forever grateful and thankful and I definitely love and respect my mum more than ever. I salute all the mothers out there who have the courage to undergo that unfathomable labor pain and whatsoever else they were experiencing to give a new life. 

Secondly, I might die young and I might develop stress complications as well as other stress related medical problems from my hectic and stressful lifestyle. I am forever exhausted from the daily chores. I am a little remorse. I am very stressful. 

Thirdly, i burden myself with my frustration over the coming independent day celebration. When I first heard the slogan and logo, I was totally flabbergasted and was left agape later let out a sinister and sarcastic smile! Whenever people mention about it, what more with the theme songs and preposterous lyrics it has, I have to admit that this country, the government of this Country has gone real wrong and terrible. Can u not relate political stuffs and the significant of independent in order to propagandize your political appraisal for the imminent election in the coming month? Killing two birds with one stone? But how could a whole cabinet and ur so called intelligent and competent army not critised the selection of that slogan or is it your own idea? When People look back in ten years time, this is going to be a real laughing stock. For example, when u attend a history class or other civic classes and have to discuss bout it, and they just have to skip pver 2012 because u say not to bring political issue into school and university campus? Wtf?! How r u going to define *fulfilled promise* (literally translate) as all that r congested in my mind r political propaganda! all those years I was critisising over the mundane theme and slogan which never bring any excitement and creativity but to only circulate about integration And unity and progression of country stuffs. So they have finally decided to come out with something different this year which is really 'unique' and astoudingly rdiculous and I am now pretty disappointed with myself over my criticism for the last few years because they have obviously did a better job and that is what and how it is supposed to be. Words that articulate and justify as well as integrate the significant of independent in the young and old generations with our own interpretations but still everyone comes out with the same conclusion at the end of the day. Unity, peace with development progression. I love my independent now that I am free to write my thought here, free to sit on this chair and free to have a good night sleep later. 

hall of fame

i love watching talented people whether it's on screen, for reality shows or in any competitions.

just spent my last day before the mid semester break watching Step Up Revolution and dancing never fails to amazed me. i remembered having tears in my eyes again. i normally only get emotional watching movie and tv series alone. and i found that i enjoy doing most of that alone.

i love watching dancing even though i wasnt genetically programmed to dance! i love singing knowing that i cant sing, beautifully, having the voice that stiffen up one's soul or leaving an audience astounded  and earn a standing ovation. these flaws however never stop me from watching any dance shows or singing competition because a big part of me somehow wish that i could someday brace myself and walk up an international stage, fulfill my dream to touch everyone's heart with my talent. i want to hear Simon's precious compliment and his priceless mesmerized face. sadly, i wasnt born with these artistic talents!

i know that some work very hard for it. they go for dancing and singing classes. or some drawing class. however, i personally think that something is meant to be born with talent. they need not learn the skills but rather born naturally with it. it's a gift! therefore, i never even bother to attend these classes partly because i am not very serious about it or very determined. maybe, someday, something strike me and ring a bell inside that i am inspired to do something different. just maybe.

i love watching sports too and Olympics is the hot topic at the moment. there are so many things to learn from it. i never know a thing about any kind of sports or how the games are played. i never know the rules and regulations or the scoring check board for it. however, i can only conclude that every athletes are there for one purpose; they are putting their best foot forwards to do what they do best and are highly motivated to change their life. they do it for themselves, the pride and success and also for the country. not forget to mention to spot cute hawt hunks on screen!

these people taught me a lot of things. they are really good in what they are doing. and it seems like they are going to do it for a long time. they are successful and the pride of their respective country. i am constantly inspired by these people.

slumdog's story

is it even possible that one's moved to tears while watching the opening ceremony of olympics? there are a few elements in there that just twisted the on button of my tear duct and start sending shivers down my spine as a warning sign that an unlikely storm is coming. no. it was just a little tear jerking moment. i am touched by how the organizer is able to gather the bizillion people together as one to deliver such great performance, though i know that critics start surfacing within first half an hour of the telecast yet i have to give an applaud to Danny Boyle. Mr Beans totally stole and own the show. And i wish that they did a longer Queen's medley. :) and One Direction's rumor to perform on the closing ceremony. OMG. too much to take in?!

besides that it just brought me to the past, 4 years ago to be precise. Time passed so swift that 4 years do make a lot of difference yet there are a couple of things that are still the same. To start with, 4 years ago, i was just another high school goer, at that point still struggling to adapt to the new curriculum and new subjects at school. Still dwell in my own la-la wonderland on becoming a performer or do music or sort because since very young i always thought being famous is cool. you wear pretty dress, you have gorgeous hair and people recognized you and you have a bunch of money. that seems to be the only purpose i have in life. nonetheless, thats not all that i want. i want to do architecture, i want to serve in the air, i have so many different ambition that somehow i dont know why it all boils down to that coveted Dr which is cool in the eyes of other but it was a long and miserable journey.    

furthermore, i am more sad to think about those money spent on the event. -.- it's irrelevant but money matters really bother me so much recently. feel like joining the stock exchange market or broker or something to start earning some. i still have the young billionaire dream burning inside!

Conversation I don't want to miss

There was once a conversation that went like this,
Mum: have u ever really thought of what u want to be in the future? U have decided aren't u?
Me : no. Not really. I used to want to be a doctor but it doesn't fit anymore. I can't bare to see the pain. The empathy is killing me inside.
Mum: huh?
Me : all I know now is I want to earn a lot of money. Which profession earn the most? Any idea? U know, I notice that some people were born really rich. Have u seen the Hollywood people? Or those in the Ciral, they lived in mansion, have fancy sport cars, wear branded stuffs. How the hell did they have that much money? And I am thinking of doing business. Like daddy n Momma.
Mum: larrrr. Business can't guarantee a great success. There are risks to take. Furthermore, it's not easy to establish one. Being a doctor is more stable. U have a guaranteed job and u can help theele in needs. When else r u going to find tme doing goods? Isn't it like killing two birds with one stone.
Me: yeah mum. I know. It's a noble job but it freaks me out a little for the past few days at the hospital exposure programme.
Mum: it's okay. U have to think optimistically. Think of he pain as a mean to alleviate their further agony! It's not like the doctor cutting off the dead tissue is going to kill her, it's for her good. For better healing. U will be fine if u think that way. It's not even harming her.
Me: hmmmm. Okay. But doctors have fixed income. Unless u work in private institutions or u have a phd and u r a famous well known world recognized surgeon then I bet I can make bizillion. Yet, I don't think I will be able to do that. I haven't really thought that far. Let alone I haven't even get to enroll in med school.
Mum: well. It's not about money at all dear. The money can't buy u karma or anything.
Me: but mum, isn't it nice to have uncountable money? U can spend on whatever things that u like without having to think thrice. See how those people in the tv or magazines! They are like super rich weh. I still think business is good. Or actuarial science. I don't know.furthermore, when u have the rolling of money every single second, u can use it to help those who needs it. When u r the boss, u can have free time, go to see the world, the children in poor countries and lend them a helping hand. Isn't that the same?
Mum: I still think medicine is the best. For a girl. Business is like more on boys thing. U'll never know what will happen. What if u have no employment and all those. And nobody in the family knows anything bout business.
Me: okay. I will reconsider it.

This happened ages ago. And recently, it keeps on lingering in my mind. The past keeps haunting me and no matter how far I try to distract myself with other things, it keeps on coming back. Now that I am inscribing it down over here. I suppose I am going to remember it for a while. For life maybe, for it is one of the most life-changing conversation I ever had. And it's still lingering and buzzering in my head all the time. Whenever I'm feeling a little bit depressed and upset doing what I would be doing because I always reflect back to a second choice that I am not supposed to be thinking at this stage. Even though I promised myself to keep the positive energy, I couldn't restrict myself from throwing my congested mind into something I thought would be magical and truly 'life changing' if I just act now.

Is this always been my dream? So near yet so far.