stubborn

this is my best friend here that has been helping me a lot to go through my devastation. i really appreciate her helps and all.

it has been one long devastating and hectic week for me.

i was experiencing one of my most unforgettable downfall and stressful moment in my life. as i'm inscribing this down, oddly, i couldn't even recall how does it feel at that particular moments of anguish. no. you dont want to know how it feels.

i failed my academic exam for the second time. this time, it's worst than the first. my heart was totally broken when i get to know the results. it was really shocking to me because i thought i did pretty well for that paper. i have more confidence this time because i read it thoroughly and i think that the paper is not really very tough because i feel like the answers are pretty obvious for some but i was so deadly wrong again. i have too much pride and vain confident in myself and i'm too conceited to admit my mistake.

i didn't sleep well for numerous nights. it feels empty. i feel like a dead walking body every single day. i have a lot of things rummaging in my mind. i tried to be strong and tough. and eventually i broke down one day. it's the stress and devastation that lead to it.

i talked to my Mother. and i told her everything since the first failure. i feel like a useless, disappointing being. i couldn't believe how my efforts do not pay? i did work hard for it but the grade signifies that i didn't do the studies and all. it was a terrible grade. and the thing is that only a few countable students failed. it keeps me pondering and wondering. yes. maybe i'm interested in medicine. yes i love it too much to give it up. but, am i the right person to do it? i ain't a good medical students. i can't cope with studies, really. the grade and results tell. i have a lot of hard work to put in and i already gave my bestest and that's my limit since the boost of my first failure. i did work for it and i don't get a good repay. do you know how frustrating it is? i cried, again. things have been real tough. i cannot cope with my studies. yes. i start to think that maybe medicine is not my thing. though, talking to Mother is really soothing. she understands my problem and she gives me a lot of courage to move on for my final semester examination. i move on eventually. i try to forget the torment for a few days at least because i know what's my priority. though, everyday, i hear my heart whispering that everything seems very surreal. i cannot believe that i get such a grade because i really think can do better not acing it but at least a good pass. i really dont know what went wrong. some more, seeing so much of them getting good grades really make me feel more ashamed and disappointed of myself. what went wrong?! i really hate to accept my defeat, this time, really. because i fought so hard for it!

so, here i am now. the important papers are over a couple of days ago and there's still one last paper to go. i talked to a friend yesterday. he doesn't know what i have gone through but i'm just asking a few tips on his studies because he is really a smart and fine guy. i am really captivated and respected his opinions and it makes me feel a whole lot better. he said that people are saying studying medicine in overseas could bring less tension and stress because what they do are more on practical thingy whereas the local one is more exam-orientated. there are pretty much theory thingy and some insignificant stuffs that in real life as a physician, those knowledge is not needed. he gave me a few examples of how excellent students could fail their practical years and hence that is not a good doctor. yes. maybe they can list down every single word from the first page to the last of a reference book but on application in real life, they could have freaked out and doomed. so, results do not signifies everything.

yes. it could be a sour grape case. but i am too stubborn sometimes. i like to skip unimportant, insignificant details and so i could perform well i think. i do not like to memorize things that does not seem important to me. yes.i could be wrong. say me lazy or anything.i admit. i am sill wondering whether i can really be a good doctor and whether this professional suits me. there are a lot of risks to take and explanation to make. i rally don't know what to do with my life. i want to do awesome things. i dont want a miserable life. i have a lot of wonders.

time tells

listening to Nickelback-Never gonna be alone. Captivated by the line "you gotta live every single day like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes? don't let it slips away, could be our only one"

why am i so darn exhausted since i don't know when. i could take a nap for three hours straight. i wake up after i set the alarm to half an hour but then my head is just tooo heavy that i could not lift it up so i place it on the pillow and just sleep. i am mentally and physically exhausted.

my life's a mess. i have a lot of mishaps, problems and obstacles that come to me at once. yes. i am suffocating. it all comes to me at once that i dont know how to react sometimes. so i could just accept what has been made a conclusion and move on. my studies and my own personal problems come invading me at once. yes. i just go with the flow. then, there are things that need time to tell and heal. time does heal and tells things. i move on. i never want to look back. i realised what have been a haze to me before and i dont want things to bother me anymore. gee. exam in 2 days and i am still facebooking and blogging. die.

Fugitive

as i am typing this, there's a lot of things running in rage in my mind. things that worried me, things that i care a lot, things that i plan to do, things that happen, the plot and all, spirits, world, everything comes all in once and things that make me happy as i'm trying to alleviate my dejection, many many things that for the first time ever, i truly madly deeply doubt myself for the decision that i am sure of since a long time ago. i suppose that as we aged, our perceptions and views toward life changed. yes. someone told me this before and i bound to be indifference because i used to believe in myself so much that i am sure that i will never doubt what i have chosen. but i was wrong.

for the first time ever in my lifetime, i fail my academic examination. yes. i failed my driving test before but who the hell cares nowadays. i start driving again to conquer my fear because i know that i want a difference in my life and i am no coward and i can do driving because driving is fun, driving is awesome. and yes. i manage it. i just need to brush my skill more on managing a decent parking. so. continue the story. i fail my test as i am enduring my life as a first year medial student.

heard it from seniors that it's a common thing to fail it. no worries. there's a final to catch up everything. hell yes. there's a stack of notes for me to digest. and what i always do is to just skim through. i am such a lousy medical student. now, i even doubt myself whether i can be a good doctor. i have no knowledge and i dont even bother to get a better understanding on things that i dont undersatnd because i like to label things that i like and dislike and for those that i dislike, i am really jaded to figure them out, to know a thing about it because i think of it as useless and insignificant.

yes. after a few hours of calming myself down. i still think of faling the test as something bearable. did not cry, scream or bang my head on the table or wall. just keep it cool? am i just trying to act strong? not that i'm trying to boast about myself but i used to be among the top students at school. gah. that was a history. i am now among the last one to queue up from the many genius and hardworking students. i can accept my defeat because i know that i have not been working hard on it. i am not trying to find excuses. i know my own problems. i am distracted by things and i think of myself as know-it-all and to go with the flow with the virtual luck that i thought i still carry along but everything's just a miserable lie and delusions that i create for myself. i fail this time (serve me right) and the previous tests were of not great results either. my only problem now is how do i tell my parents. they would be so damn heart broken. i played too much. i used to confess to my Mother that i am not going for frequent outings anymore and will try to overcome my addiction and will focus more on studies but i fail, again, terribly. i am just a liar. i lie to my Mum and i lie to myself. no wonder bad things happen to me for consecutive days. it's like i have been jinxed. and these things make me ponder a lot. a hell lot.

i dont want to disappoint them knowing how high their expectation is. no. they are not putting any pressure on me and i do medicine on volunteer basis. they just encourage a lot and believe in me so much. i just know that the expectation is there as i was a staraight As student back then. they keep on telling me don't stress much, try to enjoy life while i could, take it easy and all. i know that deep down their hearts, they want their children to excel acdemically and as a person. a well grown human that could contribute to society in future. i am so sorry. i failed terribly this time. although i am not the only one, but there are people who scored well too. why can i attain the achievement like they do? i mean, if they can do it, i can too. it's the matter of wanting and working hard to achieve it. i am now thinking of plotting a lie or i could just keep it secret or i could just pay ignorance. duh. it's a white lie afterall aint it? this is so hard. i feel like a fugitive. run. run! RUN!

never thought that i could miss a person this much. yes Mum. i love you. i miss you it hurts. it hurts a lot. i have see tears in your eyes, tears of my suffering, tears of my disappointment, tears of my happiness and all. i am such a demand girl that i want everything to lay out perfectly for me as how i want it to be. i keep on seeking the attention from mum and pup. everything's changing ever since i went back for my deepavali holidays this time. i can feel and see the changes in myself. i went driving again. yes. why? i want my parents to see me as a capable person. i dont want them to worry that i cant drive and nobody's going to take care of me. no. i can do it on my own now. i try to include them more in my activities. i get rid of internet hence i have more time with them. and i start feeling remorse and guilty ever since i know i fail the test and stil keeping it a secret until now.

maybe failing the test reminds me on working harder. i have been real optimistic. i have never give up on medicine with my lousy results previously and with failing it the third time. i just dont know why. i love medicine too much to give it up. i enjoy learning all those stuffs and maybe when it comes to exam and tests, i don't know how to apply the knowledge. it's not as if i did not study and put effort on it. i did. i fought so hard but in vain. moreover, if i were to give up, i dont know what to do with my life anymore. i don't know what i want to do in future but now, i am terribly homesick that i feel like going home and be there, living an easy, comfortable life.

Biggest Joke of My Life

history has been made. it should be one of the most unforgettable day in my life. i missed the flight by just 10 minutes late entrance into departing hall. yes. 10 minutes.

well. how do i feel? it's just totally unbelievable and i kept on asking the lady at the counter and she's saying she's serious about it and all and there's no point arguing even if the issue's brought into the management office. well. i do admit it's my fault. it's because of poor planning and i thought that i have to be here one hour before departing time. well yeah. cut that down to half an hour. totally shocking, depressing, surprising, OMG, you name it, i am feeling it now at this particular moment.

duh. i am just lazy to explain everything and to just feel like a need to inscribe this down. yes. i learnt my lesson.

Days Gone By

It's a little painful for me to recall everything and type it down by recapturing

the purest memory i have about the deepest and darkest memory/secret but i

have got nothing more appropriate to crap apart from it since i have to hand in

an assignment on miscommunication thingy.

Nonetheless, as time passes, i find it still bearable maybe i have attained the

adaptation to it. Besides, things start to improve now and i like it a lot. i am

now a more cheerful and happy person. i am trying to enjoy life and savour

in every good that life has to offer.

it is undeniable that there are times that i will think of what could have happen

if i did not made that hugest mistake ever. Things would be not the same. i

am close to live a perfect, ideal life. but, i have to bear with it. i accept my fate.

i accept my mistake. maybe this is a lesson. maybe God think that my life is

too perfect that He take it away for a while.

Listening to Days Gone By and it's totally compatible to some extend because

the song is about love relation thingy between boy and girl and Hello! this is

about the conflict between my brother and i.

Communication is an indispensable part in our life because we meet and mingle around with different people in our daily life. A good communication needs mutual understanding therefore our way of delivery the message, expressing our thoughts and views as well as the management of our attitude are vital in order to prevent any misundersatnding and leads to communication breakdown.

My worst communication failure happens to occur between my elder brother and i. The event that leads to such detriment is still fresh in my mind and i would remember it for life. it is such a pain for me to recall everything because i am the one who induces the misundersatnding that leads to the inexplicable argument.

It happened on one gay evening in which my brother and i was playing and joking around like we normally do. My brother and i are really close since we are young. We fight a lot, we play together, we tease each other but we love each other dearly like any other siblings. Those good old days and my childhood are the most priceless memory i have and i treasure and cherish it a lot. Nonetheless, things changed because i made one mistake on that unforgettable day. My parents were asking for what we want to have as dinner because they were going to dine out. i told them what i had in my mind but there were this long moment to wait for my brother's response. i nudged him. My brother bound to be indifference hence i sort of raised my voice and told him to make his decision faster. i lectured him on how rude it is to keep our parents waiting for nothing but to concentrate more on the Play Station. Besides, i also provoke him by uttering that he is such an idiot for not being able to make such a simple and easy decision. My brother got on his nerves now that i sort of making him sounds like an inferior. He scolded me and asked me to just keep quiet. He walked away in angst and left me on the couch alone.

i was baffled by my brother's reaction because i had not see him in such unpleasure outrage and fury before. He had always been very soft spoken, polite and always give in whenever we were arguing. Even if we are mocking and teasing each other, he was never upset with me or raise his voice over me. He left me in tears a few moments later. How i wish i could take back my words. How i wish i could turn the clock around and alter everything. We have never spoken since then and it hurts me a lot to think of my unbearable mistake because we are not the same as how we use to be anymore. We seldom talk and i feel like a stranger to him now. Our parents are very well aware of our sudden indifference and ignorance towards each other. Although they did try to prompt us to talk to each other and communicate, we seem to have no interest in doing that because we were just too stubborn to give in as well as offering an apology to each other. After many times of attempt to reconcile us, our parents eventually leave everything to us because we were old enough to make the decisions and to settle the problems on our own.

It took me a lot of nerves before i start talking to him again after a long week of awkward silence. I know it has always been my mistake and the fault is on me to lead to such odd situation that changed my life forever. I know that even if we forgive and talk to each other again now, it will never ever be the same as before because the scar is there. I will try to communicate better with my brother every now and then because he is the only brother i have and my love for him is undying. I know that i have to make the initiation because he is stubborn to give in now as we grow older. He has too much of egoism in himself but i can tolerate with that because i have to mend things up before it is too late. We still care for each other and my brother helps a lot when i am in university, far away from home. However, there is still an unbreakable barrier between us because we have left the misundersatnding to prolong to such a long time before trying to fix things up. Nonetheless, I believe that there's still a lot of improvement can be made and i am not going to give up on gaining back what i have lost. I will try to talk to him more often by making him feel more comfortable. I will always try to compensate and compromise. I will never shout at anyone anymore regradless the person is older than me or the young ones. I promise to behave and change my rebellious attitude because it will only cause annoyance.

The event taught me of how importance it is to speak to others in polite manner and never irritate others directly but maybe to give advices and opinions later on so as not to cause any embarassment to any parties. It is also essential to apologise immediately if ever any terrible unwanted mistakes have been made that cause undesire argument. Besides, a good and decent communication can be achieve by the correct usage of language and the proper management of attitude. Moreover, when speaking in front of public, the delivery of informations have to be precised and accurate. I believe that the failure in communication in public is far worst than between friends or family members because it involves a lot of people with different background and statuses. Prevention is better than cure. Thus, think twice before delivering is crucial so as not to irritate any parties or conveying any inaccurate messages.

The Ugly Truth

it has been a while i didn't update my blog. well. too much of studies which i still doubt that i know a thing from it because basically i just read through and forget everything. that's my main problem of my learning/studying outcome and not forget to mention my addiction to facebook.

the other day, i was at the train station, waiting for the next 10 minutes about to arrive train to come and get me home, to my aunt's house where i can escape from everything that's so darn distracting in college. well. i was waiting, patiently with my heavy bag with all the books and clothes and notes and Mac in it. then, the train came.

OMG. the people were crazy! the crowd was crazy! they gone cuckoo and everyone just emerged from no where and cut the line, squeezing in between the people, young, olds, ladies, men, and they just dont care about everyone else as long as they got to make it into the coach with just one single door open though there're up to 3/4 coaches. the sight before me totally left me dumbfounded. the people here are so damn ugly. they could have dress well, they could have wear one nice expensive suits, they could have looked gentlemen, they could have looked elegant and beautiful but when it comes to this desperation, oh hey, let's forget all the manners and courtesy. What the hell is wrong with the world?

i was in the middle of this crowd, looking like a nerd with my Physiology reference book in my hand and just watched these people pushing against each other, yelling around, not giving a chance, no tolerance at all. and there was this guard, yelling at the frenzy crowd and i looked at her thinking 'duh....as if they are going to listen'. So, i give up. i spent the next half an hour waiting for the next train.

this was among the very early lessons i learnt about life. that sometimes, it's not easy to be a Good Samaritan. That sometimes, i have to fight for myself. i have to be mean to others and myself if i want something so much. Chances do not come too often in my life and when it slips, all i get is misery and remorse. The world could be ugly but i have to be beautiful to make it less ugly. i wonder how many beautiful people are left in this world? Someone like Barry (in Dinner for Schmucks). Gee. the incident totally make my mind blowing. it's still vivid in my mind. and the next train, i was push inside the specifically provided ladies coach by those behind. i was so afraid of the people in front that i barely touch them. there's the gap there and people should really beware of it. When are they going to learn to behave? just queue up people. you got nothing to lose. first come first serve. fair enough? yes. The world is never a fair place. but i choose to see things using different angles and perspective because that's how we live life to the fullest. you might lost something but you would gain some other things in return. God is always fair.

and yeah. so i missed the train out of my dumbness for trying to be good, polite, follow the rules and all. it's a life lesson. Got to fight for myself but still maintain my decency. The olds, the sick one, the unfortunates. duh. i have a lot to think, about people, about life, about the ugly world!

and i went for the much needed haircut. i feel so great about life. it's like it gives a new lease of life to me and i am full with driving force. it's so light. so carefree and i can jump and run freely without the messy hair. no. it's still messy. messy is just so me. anyway, i just love the new me.

it's beautiful

today is another beautiful and special day. it's 10th of October 2010. 101010.

i do really really really love my life and can't stop falling in love with it and it's irrevocable. though i do admit that i have my own 'emo' moments but that is when unexpected things pop out to make me the happiest girl around. and i totally forget all my sadness.

things, have got to start with my dearest brother. he gives me a handbag for my birthday! yay! and it's ROXY. it must have been very expensive. i feel so guilty but at the same time i like it so very much. as much as i like it, i doubt that i will be using it. i like it for the color and design but i dont think it's my style. hmm. i think i like it because it's from my brother. and i choose to like it. you know. because it's from him. it's from him. it's from him. last person i would expect to give me present. nonetheless, i will put it into good use and utilize it because i can have my brother along with me all the time. i suddenly feel deeply deeply loved by my brother though i know he always love me. quote from minhui : "i lost and i gain something different'. yes. i do admit that i'd lost certai things but now, it'slike i am gaining this celestial thing and it has always been what i'm looking for.

next, i will learn to take every misery and dissatisfaction as a booster for me to strive for a better, beautiful moments. i love to laugh out loud and i dont like knowing me, myself is sad over some insignificant things. i have to be happy everyday. i have to smile more often and laugh out loud. i am so lucky to have a few best friends around. ^^ i really treasure and appreciate and value them a lot.

*discovery of the day : S looks like Yoona! * yay!

i always think S is pretty. she is perfect. with the height and all.