i am sad

Cam-whoring is a novelty to me yet i tried my very best to put up the bestest angle of myself. . . .after a hell lot of futile attempts, while is normal for someone(me) who's not photogenic or have significant beautiful features.

it's a hell lot of sad today because in a few more hours, i would be leaving haven. i almost drop my tears just now when my Grandma came for a visit and wish me luck and giving her blessing and the hope and expectation and she said this one thing that i remember well that she used to say it a lot in my younger days, "Be obedience and obey your parents". Muahaha. it's funny. i'm all grown up already Ma, i know what to do, i am wise, i can decide for myself, i know what's right and what's wrong, at least i assume i do and i know how to care for myself, skipping the part that i thought i lost my bus ticket just now.

Watching television is luxurious. i watched A Walk To Remember again last night and i was like so touched and moved, all over again. Mother cried watching it once upon a time, so this movie kind of leave a memorable and deep remark.

Reflection

i kind of miss my friends after ditching them agonizing over the three days break, and traveled back home alone. So how's life girls?
It gave me an opportunity to befriend a few of the college mates who shared the same passion as i am; We miss home like hell!
Mimah asked me a profound question and i was completely struck dumb by it and left agape for quite some time before i could twist my mind and come up with an idea because i'd have look dumb and ignorant to shrug off my shoulders and said i don't know.
What's my faith?
Dang.
Well, i believe in karma. i treat people the way i want people to treat me back. i do good deeds because i feel terribly bad to commit crimes and sins. i improve myself every single day and constantly reflect within, that's the way to live life and make life alive. i seek for eternal happiness and as i peek in my future, i have a celestial dream of my future yet never fail to remember where or when or why or how i begin and what i begin with.
That's my solid answer actually. The beginning. It has always been my main driving force and imperishable dynamic to success.


Remember the infamous quote by the whoever that's to be careful/beware of what you wish for.
i was beyond full and bloated for every meal that i have taken since yesterday. Grateful for what i have and what i was granted to be able to enjoy the juicy and scrumptious meals while millions more are starving. i'm sorry for being so apathetic of those issues and done nothing. The least i could do is probably to never ever waste. Life does not centre around me alone, we share, we care but i'm not playing my role on that. Often, we read on news or watch on televisions of those unfortunates and we go like we're so darn lucky, we're so darn fortunate, we're suppose to be grateful and then we sympathize. We may go for donations but no matter how much donations we make, it never cease away the problems. it may help for the minority but the majority? what about them? i'm just a nobody to comment or do something conspicuous and big that could really equalized the unfairness. it does make me feel terrible sometimes but i'm too selfish to wish for a switch. Let's talk karma again. Did they make things that are super unpardonable in the previous life and thus have to gone through the suffering now as a punishment? Maybe they could be reincarnated as animals but sometimes i think some animals have better life than the human before the slaughtering part but if everyone in this universe is a vegetarian, what would have happen to the food chain? is it true that their presence is to make us feel better of our own life and fortune and at the same time feel bad too occasionally? i know i have some unexplainable and incurable mental problems that sometimes i don't feel like i deserve things even though i work hard for it and ask for it from my almighty parents. i am greedy, materialistic and the list goes on.
Thank you God for the meal tonight. And the day before and the previous and everything, good or bad since the moment i was born. THANK YOU.

SMILE!

Going back/Going home

 i feel like blogging but i'm so lack of ideas of what should be inscribed. 

 . . . 

 i just left a few days before departing HOME(!!) and the bad thing about that is that it keeps on haunting or rather excite me and the consequence is that i'm demotivated and low-spirited and slack to continue my daily routine here. 

 Going back, i want to hunt the street and grab all the edible stuffs and scoffing as if i haven't eaten for days. Going back, i want to go shopping for some clothes because my friends keep on teasing me about the only two (or three) monotonous attires that i have in my closet that i thought it's okay to exchange in wearing them each week and each consecutive days but now it struck me like thunders that....i want to get more clothes. Well, i'm just a girl.

 Going back, i want to cherish the moments with my family and share with them the everything that i've learn and my thought on that very "something". It's my maiden encounter of the supernatural and it's creepy. It's not about the death but it's about the One, the omnipresence of Him. Going back, i want to put everything to a halt again before i start over again.

The Lucky One

 Incarcerated. Pissed off. Swore. 

 Yesterday, when i received the call from Aunt Tanjung Malim, i was like so over the moon because i know that she'd be coming to pick me up for a scrumptious meal in Lawan Kuda, like always, just a stone's throw away from the college. I was asking my friends over too because the cafeteria apparently served literally no decent food due to the fasting period. They were having white rice+ketchup+French Fries+fried chicken and no gravy whatsoever just ketchup for lunch. Disgusting. i felt sorry because i'd taking up the very last scoop of the-only-flavoured-fried-rice and they ended up eating those ketchup and rice. 

 At night, Huiwoon and i went to meet up the fellows (guardians) of our block and asked for the confirmation/permission whether we could go out for a meal or something which would be real fast because we just realised that we're still under quarantined. Great. Our world split asunder. i felt lost and down and mad at the ridiculous reason they implied or rather just one of them. 

 It had been weeks we're put under quarantined and now we just want to go out and have a quick decent meal but we're let down by the absurdity. We just bear with no outings and excruciate over the weekends with no traveling but this is too much. We just want a meal.     

 i felt truly inexplicably lucky and overwhelmingly grateful for what i am. i could still constantly have drinks and food (although not so succulent like the other days). i feel like a theft sometimes in which i had to sneak over to have a gulp of water or a bite when my room mates are not around or paying oblivious. 

 i know i'm lucky and i'm grateful for that. So, i would just get over the depressing confinement stuff.

 

 WE are the lucky ones , i'm the lucky one.

Sleep

 i'd been so tired lately and faltered and couldn't find a slight motivation to move on.

 i sleep a little bit longer, i sleep a little bit dreamier, i sleep a little bit enjoyable and i really don't feel like waking up. Nap. More nap. More nap and more. Then ijust left all the books scattered on the table, lying in the bed, ready to get absorbed into the surreality, my fictitious world. Nonetheless, i still couldn't finish my ending because i'm too jaded of something. 

 i'm actually just waiting the time to pass by because i would be going back to where i belong soon. Home. Another one week. It feels like forever. Another one week and we could go outing again. To leave every single depressing thing in this college behind and indulge in ourselves, just let the spirit free and truly enjoy the life by having a splendid shopping spree.

 One week. It should be fast i guess.

 The fasting month is starting from tomorrow. i'm really concerned about the availability of getting my lunch and my drink because i need a constant supply of those to stay positive. 

 It should be fast. Time time time.  

Crush Crush Crush

 You say Hello, inside i'm SCREAMing i love you.

 

 I had always hated my name though i know that i should have appreciated it because i was christened by my parents. However, i couldn't lie to myself and demand myself to like what i don't really like although it's sort of ungrateful or so. Then, i grew up to just bear with it. 

 Then, there's this someone, OMG, the voice is like the calling of an angel and i think that never in my entire life that i could have ever heard my name being pronounced so beautifully. It's like a song, in a sing song tone. The way "Huiting" was enunciated was so dreamy, so beautiful and celestial. And i would really love to hear my name being enunciated over and over again by that specific someone because i swear that i could have flown away and drifted into the wonderland just listening to the voice and closed my eyes and feel it. 

 i'm so in love. No. Not in love. Love is deep, Love is a strong word. i'm just having a crush on someone that could enunciate my name so beautifully, i just fall in love with the voice and the sparkling eyes. Is that too much? This someone is really a jewel, with the head held up high and stand confidently surpassing the others and is among the countable gentlemen that are near extinction and i could only be grateful for having a chance to know this someone and learn that not all people are jerks whatsoever. i just feel like really like this someone because the voice, the kindness, the sincerity, the tenderness and the everything and anything else that i don't know about, yet.   

 The next time i hear a Hello, see a wave or exchanging a sight, i would really scream inside. And i hope that it wouldn't be crafted on my face so vividly like i'm desperate or whatever.