holy shyt. okay. i think i really start to love swearing. no, not really. i dont normally spit it out in public or any conversations but i know that my subconcious love that to bit. it's just not my culture but profanity is pretty much mainstream nowadays. it's like IT's the the only right thing to say at the right time, right situation, right occasion. and yes, in social media i can freely type as i wish and literally speak my mind. so yeah. holy shyt...i havent blog for 4 freaking months.
it's either my life has been really 'good', boringly routine, or my creative writing cells have succumbed to necrosis. or i am just on my energy saving mode. but, i am back again today and 4 months have definitely been a long journey. digging thru the past-4-months file in my rusty mind, i know that there were certain things worth blogging about. take for example, 1. how i deal with my final exam 2. bangkok trip 3. people generally
i should really bare in mind to blog more frequent not to leave it to isolation because i really love writing. and frankly, i am now really inspired with my recent reading. i am on semester break and there's plenty of time so ive decided to indulge in reading. i have been intrigued with one of the most talk-about topics since i couldn't really remember when but on my recent visit to the bookstore, surprisingly saw it on the best seller shelves. did they even allow it in boleh-land? and a few days after, i know instantly that i have to really get myself in the circle of the most hyped thing in town right now after the ridiculous success of Twilight Trilogy then The Hunger Games Trilogy. it's really a guilty pleasure for me and the series are deemed a taboo, so after one and a half way thru it, i am pretty much a Fifty Shades of fucked up myself.
the academics and scientists and whatsoever professors always reckon Fiction as a waste of time. they are more dwell in their non-fiction lengthy facts and philosophy publication. i have never picked a book from the self-management, economics, or any other self-help kit section that most readers find to have found a new insight to it. and apparently, great new knowledge. exception to The Secret and Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus and the Tuesday with Morris thing. i itch to read them, maybe someday if i get free sample.
so, what i am trying to depict is that i rather read some fantasy, creative imagination and intriguingly beautiful writing than reading something that would take up more than half of my learning ability to rationalize and arguing with the points in the non-fiction books. i am not intelligent or patience. i rather have myself sinking, and giggling into the non-existence world.
but, i think it's not the high time yet to spill my thoughts on my recent readings. i havent finish the trilogy yet. i know that i can finish it in days but trust me, u have to take a break in between or else i am really going to suffocate to death from the too exaggerated excitement. my mind was running wild. really wild. furthermore, i dont want the reading to end so fast. i couldnt bear to think about ending it say by this month then i would left hanging in my imagination. but in between resting time, i decided to revitalize this abandon blog and brushing up my writing skills albeit finding myself struggling hard finding the right verbs, adjectives and whatnot. i should have start reading at younger age. like read just anything, everything but not to be picky. there's an entire Classical collections that i want to get my head in so much so that i am in that 'circle' of bookclub but no. the language and writings are too much for me to digest. on the sidenote, i havent find the right inspiration and cause to do so, so no, not now.
one negative thing about reading Fictions is probably you find yourself hard to cope with reality. like you want to be the character in the books so much. you want to meet those characters. the characters who are way too cool, and unbelievably awesome. everything in the books is perfect. but when you have to pull away from that cloud of graphic and coaxing your soul back to planet Earth, it instantly eats u from inside out. still, the best thing afterwards is hoping. and keep on dreaming. and never forget to fight for it. and one day i wish i can say to myself that my wish/dream comes true. :)
Monday, April 15, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
A hard life
Find myself living a very lucky and luxurious life in so many ways.
Met an old patient who have been suffering from bronchial asthma for the past 40years. And she wasn't on proper medication, just taking supplement here and there n some traditional meds. She was so frail in bed, in fact most of the patients are weak n frail, lying on the bed, with that hollowly sad eyes, lost in thought and all I wonder is what has life bring to them for as much as they could remember. She was in shortness of breathe, on nasal drip and we, the desperate medical students were approaching her with the hope that she will talk to us.
Maybe, she needs us as mush as we appreciate her cooperative too.
I started with some small talk. Really bad at things like this. Felt like that asshole hypocrite again because I know how much I hate talking n meddling with people, I hate the ambience in the hospital, not forget to mention that I was constantly reminding myself of how I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a medical officer.
Old people always remind me of my late grandparents and my grandmother.
She was constantly uttering how difficult her life had been. She was a rubber tapper. with her worsening asthma, she still had to work during those days. The son will come for a visit in the afternoon. That put a smile on my face. Her husband had ceased 4 years ago. She remembered it well, it was at the same hospital. i can hear the longing there. Love is a powerful thing, I somehow wish that I met Love too. When we questioned on family history, she had turned to a different frequency. She never met her parents. They had sold her away. She had been living with the godparents. my heart sank. she didn't continue anymore. I know that there must be an unfathomable hardship in the family and whatnot with the poor education on contraceptive, it's inevitable. It was another great awakening to me. I am born 'lucky' and 'rich'.
She was surprisingly talkative and fun albeit in respiratory distress. I promised to visit her again tomorrow. I hope I keep my words. I think she remember us. The old lady opposite her bed still remember that I helped her with the medication yesterday. my friend said she was like a little psychotic. I thought so too. I can't even comprehend a single words she said. She waved at us earlier. I think she remembered us. It must have been the loneliness.
I just don't understand God sometimes. Is there seriously a Creator at all? By believing and having faith makes more sense. With karma and incarnation, it makes more sense. Maybe some people suffered thru hardship because they have yield that bad karma over their past life. And those born into well to do family probably had earned good karma points over the past years. If I believe in one life, isn't it sounds unfair? Then I would be questioning why some were born into that goddamn rich family that they don't even need to care for the taxes or saving in their account, living a real tycoon life.
I really feel excrutiatingly bad for people who had suffered a lot in their life. physically and mentally.
Met an old patient who have been suffering from bronchial asthma for the past 40years. And she wasn't on proper medication, just taking supplement here and there n some traditional meds. She was so frail in bed, in fact most of the patients are weak n frail, lying on the bed, with that hollowly sad eyes, lost in thought and all I wonder is what has life bring to them for as much as they could remember. She was in shortness of breathe, on nasal drip and we, the desperate medical students were approaching her with the hope that she will talk to us.
Maybe, she needs us as mush as we appreciate her cooperative too.
I started with some small talk. Really bad at things like this. Felt like that asshole hypocrite again because I know how much I hate talking n meddling with people, I hate the ambience in the hospital, not forget to mention that I was constantly reminding myself of how I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a medical officer.
Old people always remind me of my late grandparents and my grandmother.
She was constantly uttering how difficult her life had been. She was a rubber tapper. with her worsening asthma, she still had to work during those days. The son will come for a visit in the afternoon. That put a smile on my face. Her husband had ceased 4 years ago. She remembered it well, it was at the same hospital. i can hear the longing there. Love is a powerful thing, I somehow wish that I met Love too. When we questioned on family history, she had turned to a different frequency. She never met her parents. They had sold her away. She had been living with the godparents. my heart sank. she didn't continue anymore. I know that there must be an unfathomable hardship in the family and whatnot with the poor education on contraceptive, it's inevitable. It was another great awakening to me. I am born 'lucky' and 'rich'.
She was surprisingly talkative and fun albeit in respiratory distress. I promised to visit her again tomorrow. I hope I keep my words. I think she remember us. The old lady opposite her bed still remember that I helped her with the medication yesterday. my friend said she was like a little psychotic. I thought so too. I can't even comprehend a single words she said. She waved at us earlier. I think she remembered us. It must have been the loneliness.
I just don't understand God sometimes. Is there seriously a Creator at all? By believing and having faith makes more sense. With karma and incarnation, it makes more sense. Maybe some people suffered thru hardship because they have yield that bad karma over their past life. And those born into well to do family probably had earned good karma points over the past years. If I believe in one life, isn't it sounds unfair? Then I would be questioning why some were born into that goddamn rich family that they don't even need to care for the taxes or saving in their account, living a real tycoon life.
I really feel excrutiatingly bad for people who had suffered a lot in their life. physically and mentally.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
all i've ever needed
every now and then, at any moment in any random day, i would look at my life and my day and thought to myself that 'this is seriously not getting me anywhere, i am not doing anything productive, i am not doing something that bring any good, i waste so much time, i dont know what to do with my life, yada yada yada'. i know that i never stop whining about it but seriously, i need a space, a person or anything that i can pour this out, nevermind not getting any replies or words of courage because life's like this.
if i keep it inside, i think i am going to be more sad than i already am.
sometimes, i dont even know who i am. i dont talk to nobody. i can just ignore my family. i can talk to nobody for days, my parents or god parents. when i need them, only then i ring them. i always think i am such a hypocrite . i know that they can provide me with so and so hence i only initiate to call them up for it. well, most of the stuffs i talk about with them are of superficially random boring things. i never ever touch about my studies. because i just hate it that much and i have no knowledge whatsoever in it. and i think everybody thinks that i am so darn awesome but the truth is that i am not. i dont want to talk about anything medicine and i dont want anybody to even mention a thing about it and ask me medical stuffs. cough and pain and tiredness. better get a proper medical consult.
i never talk about the stress life i have too. probably somebody notices but what can they do. i never talk about my feelings. it's clear that they never mention about several mystery and conflicts that was raised here and there that i heard about. and i aint going to ask them about those 'adults thing' too. it's just too much to swallow in with my already fucked up life.
and i despise people that are surrounding me sometimes. what's wrong with the people i met nowadays? y am i stuck with people who can brag nonchalantly about their ability, their success, their superiority? i aint impress at all. sometimes, i just want to shout shut the fuck up already or occasionally land a couple of missiles and attack them with my stories too so that these people learn to be more humble and show respects. the conclusion is that i cant trust nobody. i have trust issue.
the only thing that i want in my life now, i have already screwed it up a decade ago and it really pains me still. i try to make amend but we are all grown up now. things changed. running in the same blood and i seriously think that there are quite a number of things that we share in common. it was so incredible how it struck me that someone actually mirror me.
keep calm because life's like this.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Y.O.L.O
october was packed with exams and the long dreadful study week in between. birthday welcomed october but it didnt seem to contain the melancholic atmosphere and the monotonic posts that lie between the lines if i were to blog it the previous month so i reckon i probably just skipped everything all over.
so i went for a holiday in singapore just a couple of weeks ago. everything seemed better on the other side of the country. everything was almost perfect. everything was better. the road. the dustbin, htrees. the falling leaves. it did really baffle you how things are so much different with just a strait away. hah. that's just the 'kampung' me finally get to see the world.
it really just taught me that the world is such a bug space so if you cant fit in one particular field, there are so many more places to explore. it's a small country but it has so mch to offer.
enjoy a couple of mind-exploding roller coaster rides, just for the sake of fun. i just want to feel young, daring. that f8cking few minutes on ar when you are totally insecure and free falling and has no sense of gravitational feel at all. sometimes, it really feels awesome to put your mind and body go thru hell. #youonlyliveonce!
realizng that, i have so much more on my list to do. bungee jump tops the list. i have so many more crazy things to do too. the question is how passionate and committed i am about them. and who are going to be there to share that dream. will i have enough resources and time for them?
so i went for a holiday in singapore just a couple of weeks ago. everything seemed better on the other side of the country. everything was almost perfect. everything was better. the road. the dustbin, htrees. the falling leaves. it did really baffle you how things are so much different with just a strait away. hah. that's just the 'kampung' me finally get to see the world.
it really just taught me that the world is such a bug space so if you cant fit in one particular field, there are so many more places to explore. it's a small country but it has so mch to offer.
enjoy a couple of mind-exploding roller coaster rides, just for the sake of fun. i just want to feel young, daring. that f8cking few minutes on ar when you are totally insecure and free falling and has no sense of gravitational feel at all. sometimes, it really feels awesome to put your mind and body go thru hell. #youonlyliveonce!
realizng that, i have so much more on my list to do. bungee jump tops the list. i have so many more crazy things to do too. the question is how passionate and committed i am about them. and who are going to be there to share that dream. will i have enough resources and time for them?
Friday, September 28, 2012
Dream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI&feature=related
emotionally attached to this song. it best depicts my life! :')
too bad i never really get to speak to God, literally. not sure if He knows, He understands and eventually He brings that pain into everybody ackknowledgement?
if i were to fly from the highest tree, it would be committing suicide.
i still have that dream, i dont mean to change the world but i am sure i could touch people's life in so many other ways. even if people doubt it, i am very sure there are a lot that i can do. i may not be saving life. we are all just trained and programmed to remember this and that and make decision. it has to be someone who are willing to go thru al the turmoils and tribulations. it has to be someone who is willing to do all the gruesome works, all the dirty works. someone who removes tumour, who fix organs, who improve your life.
i still have that dream, just not this. just think it was tad hypocrite when you cant even sympathize with those apparently healthy people, not patients' difficulties. Just see them as a good example of learning person, occasion conversation and ask about their well-being. sure, it's worth to see that smile and thank you but does that all define a noble person?
I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.
Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.
I had a dream
emotionally attached to this song. it best depicts my life! :')
too bad i never really get to speak to God, literally. not sure if He knows, He understands and eventually He brings that pain into everybody ackknowledgement?
if i were to fly from the highest tree, it would be committing suicide.
i still have that dream, i dont mean to change the world but i am sure i could touch people's life in so many other ways. even if people doubt it, i am very sure there are a lot that i can do. i may not be saving life. we are all just trained and programmed to remember this and that and make decision. it has to be someone who are willing to go thru al the turmoils and tribulations. it has to be someone who is willing to do all the gruesome works, all the dirty works. someone who removes tumour, who fix organs, who improve your life.
i still have that dream, just not this. just think it was tad hypocrite when you cant even sympathize with those apparently healthy people, not patients' difficulties. Just see them as a good example of learning person, occasion conversation and ask about their well-being. sure, it's worth to see that smile and thank you but does that all define a noble person?
I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.
Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.
I had a dream
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sincerely me
Dear God,
Again, I pray to You for strength and intellectual. I am praying for my friend, A also hoping that this friend will get thru the obstacles because apparently A deserves a much better life than I do. I pray that You bless the family and may A finds strength and courage in the journey too. A definitely needs more of those than me. Stop taking car of me but A instead. Sincere plea.
It's just one of those "insomnic" nights, again. Just end this chapter of my life already cuz I need a new chapter and new plot. Birthdays coming but i think it would be the most emotional birthday ever.
Again, I pray to You for strength and intellectual. I am praying for my friend, A also hoping that this friend will get thru the obstacles because apparently A deserves a much better life than I do. I pray that You bless the family and may A finds strength and courage in the journey too. A definitely needs more of those than me. Stop taking car of me but A instead. Sincere plea.
It's just one of those "insomnic" nights, again. Just end this chapter of my life already cuz I need a new chapter and new plot. Birthdays coming but i think it would be the most emotional birthday ever.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Freedom
I see people receiving key-necklace from the mum, dad, family or whosoever for their 21st birthday, be it gold, silver or platinum. It symbolizes freedom that their parents recognise, it also indicates maturity and most importantly it symbolise an adulthood that I think parents starting to acknowledge hoping the children will soon take up the responsibility. It has never been a tradition in my family though. Therefore, it kind of baffled me to hear friends after friends joining the 21 club with their valuably sparkling key necklace and ornaments. I never want that for my birthday. I would be more happy to receive loads of cash and to see adddition digits in my bank saving account. I think hard for my desire birthday present. Suddenly, i just find it very irritating to even celebrate birthday because i believe that to date, nobody can ever give me the bestbooth day gift ever. And it has always been the only thing that i ever i wanted. I am more livid to learn that actually I am the one who hinder myself from grasping that taste of heaven. all I ever want is the freedom of making decision that I would never be judged and evaluated on and become the talk and gossip of the town. I know that it would upset so many people and god only knows I probably trigger sudden death due to cardiac arrest or just due to depression that they share. I want a free life, a free soul, no longer binding to any institution or to station to whatever that I am doing now. I want and need to breathe the air of happiness and carefreeness. U see, these are all very simple thing and they are free no charges taxes whatsoever but I could never have them.
I have so many things to say but every time it always end with a no. No, I don't have anything to say and bye. The calling time has become shorter with each passing days and I found that I am no longer interested to share my stories and my what about or whereabouts because it just disgusted me. I have developed into becoming an introvert and bitter person. A very depressed and psychotic one. I don't even want to look them thru the virtual media. It just pain me and irritated me a little because I am making myself thinking hat they are the reason why am I suffering right now. It just agonised me because I want them to rescue me from these living hell but deep down, even though I occasionally voice up my problems, they bound to be indifference.
I am the most loneliest person in this world.
you know youre loved by a lot of people and u have great parents but still feel lonely inside because nobody can ever give u what u need most. :'(
I have so many things to say but every time it always end with a no. No, I don't have anything to say and bye. The calling time has become shorter with each passing days and I found that I am no longer interested to share my stories and my what about or whereabouts because it just disgusted me. I have developed into becoming an introvert and bitter person. A very depressed and psychotic one. I don't even want to look them thru the virtual media. It just pain me and irritated me a little because I am making myself thinking hat they are the reason why am I suffering right now. It just agonised me because I want them to rescue me from these living hell but deep down, even though I occasionally voice up my problems, they bound to be indifference.
I am the most loneliest person in this world.
you know youre loved by a lot of people and u have great parents but still feel lonely inside because nobody can ever give u what u need most. :'(
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