dilemma

i am having a tough time thinking that i might not be able to adhere to my resolution, that is to at least complete reading 50 variety of book by the end of this year. i haven't even hit 20 and it's already almost mid year. scream.

it kind of hit me that reading is such a luxurious hobby. i don't dare to do the calculation of how much i have spent on books. trying to do e-reading but i don't really enjoy it as much as i enjoy flipping pages by pages, lying cozily on the couch or bed, swaying into the fictitious world by the printed mesmerizing words. it's true that doing the e-reading is better in term of it saves money because so far everything's free thanks to the advance of internet. nonetheless, it pains the eyes by gluing the eyeballs on the flashing screen. besides, i don't have the energy to click on the keyboard or scroll around the mouse, following the cursor to get to the next line or pages. the point is that it's much more uncomfortable and making the whole experience of reading miserable. physically and mentally.

looking forwards to the next collection on my shelves.

besides, buying books is also kind of my painful, money-wasting collection. it's like some people enjoy collecting stems, bottles, cash, etecetra but i like making a wide collection of books of my favourite authors. some more, those meaningful, leaving great depth of thoughts from other great author that manage to impress me also secure some space on the shelves. i should start visiting those second-hand novel hut. as if there's one available here, in kelantan. tell me when you find one.

dying from boredom. decaying from idling.

take tomorrow

let me hear myself say HEY HEY HEY. all right, let me hear myself say HEY HEY HO.

i thought that today was supposed to be the day where i will keep on tossing and turning around in the bed, having several annoying butterflies to be killed and heartbeat pounding in ridiculous term. but it didn't happen according to my imagination and i would say it is quite a bless that it didn't happen that way.

in the evening, when i was just about to get my bath, i went o the room and saw several messages from friends stating that the result for the examination can now be checked. i was like wth?? seriously?? so, i asked my sis to get out of the way for a few minutes because i have important things to do. she's such a helpless addict to online games.

wow. i started to tremble. i could really see and feel myself shaking while typing out my ID and stuffs into the column. Damn. stating that i wasn't in the list. well, my wrong. i missed out a few numbers and just realized what a fool i was when my sis found my matric card from nowhere. VOILA!!!! shouting, giggling, jumping of joy! i get what i want. i am on cloud nine now!

the irony of the whole thing is that i thought i would have to go through a sleepless night (today) and flooding with wild obnoxious thoughts thinking about what would happen if everything falls apart. the irony of it is that i don't even have time to get anxious and anticipated for the whole event but just for a few seconds. the irony of it is that i don't get to do a wish list beforehand if i happen to get such a satisfying resuls.

Yay. i better start doing one now!

Omen

i have a bad feeling about everything.

i have been laughing a lot lately, i have been very happy, and i am showered with joy. where ever i go, whatever i touch, who ever i meet, i have been putting on a smile, laughing out loud about silly jokes and everything just seems so very funny that i could not suppress my annoying laughters.

and these bizarre excitement is so going to boil down to one crucial obnoxious event on this coming Tuesday(18th). my result. shit. i almost forget about it.

i thought i did pretty well, not really well but it was way way way better than the previous one in which i left half of the paper for Maths and Chemistry undone. Or, maybe i did write down things but hell yeah, i was sure that none of those was the answer. and voila! i get what i want but don't really think i deserve for something that i have no confident to answer at all.

and the second final examination was like way off better and it is kind of pleasing yet concerns me at the same freaking time. what if everyone else was doing better and everyone else are like scoring almost full marks leaving no blunders and mistakes? then, i am very sure that i will never be in that category and i won't be able to top the list.

bless me.

general

i thought that i am able to keep my i don't-give-a-damn feeling because i have been telling myself to stay carefree. it didn't really last.

before the break of dawn, Pup woke me and Mum sent me to the temple to do a little offering and get some blessing from the divine before i headed for the interview in the late afternoon. When the Master just finished his recitation of a chant that i was not really familiar with, all i could feel was an inexplainable feeling of calmness and peace. i suddenly felt so grateful and thankful and complete overwhelmed. Of course, i left still feeling blessed and thankful for everything and it is still within me, here and now.

then, i slept off the whole afternoon Pup woke me up again. i was shocked to find that it's almost time. Took some time for preparation and off we left for USM. and then Pup left. for the whole two hours there, i felt like an orphanage. the other candidates were accompanied by their family, willing to wait for them for the whole day and i had nobody there. Not that i care much but i had to left my bag for Weinie's mum because the officers kind of advice those with "big" and "heavy" bag to left it with their family as we are about to endure quite a distance to the tutorial rooms for interview. Well, there was seriously no time to feel shy and embarrass about meeting people, asking for a favour and all so i just braced myself and hand my damn bag to Aunty. Thanks a lot Aunt!

then, it was all about waiting. we are divided into several big groups and lead to the tutorial rooms to be interviewed at different time. The officer lead us along the quiet hallway and it reminds me of Children of Men, i don't know why. i guess it's due to the feeling that we were a bunch of people and we were heading somewhere foreign and we were anticipated of what lied ahead and to me, it would lead to nothing heaven or paradise but a long hour of questioning.

then, it was all waiting again. i started to feel anxious and nervous about the whole thing. Of course, i want to give my best because it's an open opportunity. i can't suppress it anymore as much as i want to. started to pray. it was finally me.

Well, there are two interviewers and surprisingly, only one was doing the questioning. Queer to me. The other, looking more professional and experienced, i presumed that it's because of his thick horn-rimmed glasses made me felt like he's more superior, sat there like a statue and barely even looking at my way, or even listening. i was pretty frustrated with that. Then, all the questions to me were rather general and expected than tricky and challenging. i would say that i am quite satisfy with everything but there were flaws too, of course. i speaked very limited national language and pardon me for that. i don't see it as a problem, it's just a little hard for me to put words together and voicing in on the spot. so, i guess i did badly for the answering in Malay sessions.

overall, i am pretty proud of myself today. able to endure the day without parents around like what the others have (leaving me feel like nobody cares for some time) and i am managed to answer without too much doubts and i can handle. yet, i feel different because it wasn't like how the others experienced. They have more challenging and interesting questions. Maybe, they don't even have the intention to test me so there are no point questioning me further.

oh, and i drove today! oh, it's okay to not secure a place! it's not the end of the world and the are a lot of advantages to study somewhere capital area. i seriously have been doing the thorough thinking.

should i give a damn?

i feel like i don't want to give a damn about the whole thing anymore.

a second thought crosses my mind for so many times and keeps me wondering.

it feels as if everything i have worked for and planned ahead are so going to fall out of its track, falling into pieces and it's probably due to my immature and less likely thorough thinking before making that vital decision.

i am so dead.

complication

i have been busy lately for there are a lot of troubles popping out after i get to know that i am one of the lucky applicants who get to be shortlisted for USM interview for medicine course.

first of all, i left my certificates for numerous examinations during matriculation which are needed for the coming interview at Aunt's house and thank God now the box with all the certificates and other documents are now safely returned to the land of Kelantan yesterday by bus service. it is really frustrating because i have once again troubled people, especially Aunt T.Malim and Momma and Mummy and everyone that cares.

next comes the endless anxiety for the interview because i am just so not a good speaker and i believe that i will not be able to perform well because i get freaked out so easily and i might not be able to answer the questions as well as other candidates. nonetheless, i will learn from my experience previously that is to do some thorough research and preparation for possible questions. well, should take everything easily because even i didn't get it, i think that i would eventually get other offers. it's not the only solution and option i have. think big.

truth be told, i could not hide my excitement and eagerness to get a place in the nation's top university. it will be a lie to admit that i am not upset if they are to reject me though there is a tiny piece of me finger-crossing that i would get a comfortable seat somewhere not here. anyway, i know that it is a must to strive for my best for this coming interview and the future is in my hand. wish me luck!

Gardening

One of the most progressing activity i have been doing recently, besides dwelling in my own fictitious world is probably gardening. i don't have a green finger but i believe that they will eventually grow out, healthily, before i yield them in the next couple of weeks. i ended up having sore fingers today.

and i finish my reading. yay. it gave an awesome sense of satisfaction. Nicolas never fail to impress me. i fall in love with him all over again.

need to go for a haircut.