back to december

there has been a few attempts since my last post. it starts off with a few lines and my words stumbled. there are too much coming at once and sometimes i feel as if things that were running in my mind that particular time were not important and i have seriously lose some sense of writing my own story.

it's almost coming to an end of the year. thank God for everything that i have gone thru all the while. the ups and downs, the devastation and the merry, the forgotten and the anticipation and the memories. it was again another blessed year though i am still lost in my own journey. it's a lifelong process. i will never satisfied with my life as such that i find myself confused and doubting my purpose of life. trying to live life happily everyday, trying to help the needy, be good to parents, be a proactive student and learner. whenever i find whatever i am doing is something joyful and blessed, it always comes to a point in which i yearn for something different, something exciting, something beyond normal. something magical. a surreal experience.

life's complicated and tough. though, it doesn't apply all the time. it's just my own perception. it can be simple but i dont want it that way. i can live everyday life in a continuos cycle, living a mundane typical medical student life but something is missing. undeniably, as a young adult, i am still searching the special someone to share a life with and a story to tell. nonetheless, that's not my main concern now because i try to believe in everything has been destined. why the rush? besides, single is not a big deal. seeing friends gone thru broken, unsuccessful relationships make me ponder that Perfection needs time, and worths the wait. i aint desperate or anything because there's something more significant rather than the sickly love life. in addition, i dont even feel like a need to have any liking or loving towards anyone non blood related (exception to friends) because nobody would ever love another person like the family. unless, i do really find my best friend, my soulmate, my lover. if i do not even love myself, how do i expect somebody to love me.

nowadays, i am more concern of the success of my career in the near future. before this, i could convince myself easily that i will nurtured my iron will with my dogged determination to complete my studies no matter how ridiculous it can be but things changed now as life's progressing. again, i dont really think i am the right person to do this.

a surreal experience. i wonder if i could turn back the time. back to the past. i am sure that being the stubborn one, i will still choose this path because i used to have so much interest and confident in myself but everything's fading now. i need some boost now yet it's hard to apply it. how would i ever end up in the next ten years? i should just move along and see how it turns out. i do have some fantasy on heartbreaks and see how it lead me from there. i levae everything for Him to decide and Ha gave me this. perhaps, He do have confident on me and to see how i go from there and here i am, wondering if i will be given another chance or that maybe i will find my own courage along the way, on my own and family support. yes. i should see how it goes.

it doesn't have to be a perfect journey. i will stumbled and startled along the way as there're tremendous obstacles. As long as i give my best and i do what i could, i should have no regrets. What happens in people life is what is granted to them because they deserve it more than i should. Try to believe that life's fair but it's not most of the time. it's fair when i am contented with it, paying no jealousy. =)

sweet serendipity

it was a two hours of movie with my family for the very first time and i treasured it a lot. we were watching narnia. and i found it very interesting and it's totally a captivating and great movie. i find Edmund cute! so is Caspian! it sent tears to my eyes. moreover, it's the last day of my first year first semester break which only lasted for about 12 days. and now, i am missing my family dearly. i tried not to think much and free my mind around the end of the show with the goodbyes, reunion and all. that's how i hold back my tears or else i am so afraid that i cant stop it.

it's totally excruciating to think of what i am to endure for the next few years. i am not sure whether this kind of life really suits me. maybe i am the one who put such stress on myself. i should learn to take joy from learning and studying because knowledge is power. nonetheless, i have o much of doubts.

and i survived through the hectic and stressful months. please find the will and courage to move on.

terrified

it's the first time i see the beam of sunlight since i came back. and it's beautiful. it's definitely a beautiful day.

i just enjoyed my own moment of serenity and sedentariness the whole sunny afternoon in front of the idiot box. it's a little warm, cozy and i treasured my privacy and own space a lot. i can indulge myself fully and it struck me that i really want a different life in future. a complete carefree, stress-free and enjoyable life. but then, that would just make me an idle person who do nothing good on the earth but wasting enormous amount of energy and nature resources. i dont even know where do the passion and dedication gone. i think i just stop fighting for myself. i stop believing in myself. i stop pushing myself to go further. i lost all the faith and the battle is totally horrendous. it's still fresh in my mind,

i don't want to go back to studies. i just want to stay home and eat and sleep and help mum around and so on. and i would be the biggest disappointment if i do that. i seriously doubt myself if i am the right one for whatever that is about to come in future. i doubt myself that i will be able to surmount everything. i am broken inside. i can foresee myself as a walking dead body in the faculty and just live my life as if i dont have a clue about it. as if i dont give a damn. i really dont know if i can still go on.

what do i really want, seriously? at such tender age, am i too naive to make up my mind and to make such a big decision by not considering the consequences? i thought i already pass that stage but then it proves that i dont have the ability and capability to move on.

ugly

i could not bear to think of what the future would bring. i do not even dare to predict, to put a hope, to expect anything if i really have a good future ahead.

i am so scared. i need someone to tell me that everything will turn out fine, all right, okay. that i need not to worry much about anything or everything and i just have to live the present to the fullest. but i could not. fear engulfed me whenever my thought switch to the inexplicable and volatile future. that someone, has to be God.

i don't know how i would react to it. i am really really scared to face it. i have already encouraged myself to face among the toughest moments in my life but i think what would happen next is more rugged. i don't know whether i have any courage and determination left to face whatever the future would bring. it is going to be ugly and i don't want to face it. i mean, if i know beforehand how it would be, at least, i would have time to prepare for it. i would brace myself. but now, with an empty mind and soul, as much as i want it to be bright and lively, i am so worried of the gloomy and disastrous outcome. yes. i could and i am expecting for the worst but i am again too stubborn to admit the mistakes. i just could not take it when everything that i work for turns futile and to no avail.