i am sad

Cam-whoring is a novelty to me yet i tried my very best to put up the bestest angle of myself. . . .after a hell lot of futile attempts, while is normal for someone(me) who's not photogenic or have significant beautiful features.

it's a hell lot of sad today because in a few more hours, i would be leaving haven. i almost drop my tears just now when my Grandma came for a visit and wish me luck and giving her blessing and the hope and expectation and she said this one thing that i remember well that she used to say it a lot in my younger days, "Be obedience and obey your parents". Muahaha. it's funny. i'm all grown up already Ma, i know what to do, i am wise, i can decide for myself, i know what's right and what's wrong, at least i assume i do and i know how to care for myself, skipping the part that i thought i lost my bus ticket just now.

Watching television is luxurious. i watched A Walk To Remember again last night and i was like so touched and moved, all over again. Mother cried watching it once upon a time, so this movie kind of leave a memorable and deep remark.

Reflection

i kind of miss my friends after ditching them agonizing over the three days break, and traveled back home alone. So how's life girls?
It gave me an opportunity to befriend a few of the college mates who shared the same passion as i am; We miss home like hell!
Mimah asked me a profound question and i was completely struck dumb by it and left agape for quite some time before i could twist my mind and come up with an idea because i'd have look dumb and ignorant to shrug off my shoulders and said i don't know.
What's my faith?
Dang.
Well, i believe in karma. i treat people the way i want people to treat me back. i do good deeds because i feel terribly bad to commit crimes and sins. i improve myself every single day and constantly reflect within, that's the way to live life and make life alive. i seek for eternal happiness and as i peek in my future, i have a celestial dream of my future yet never fail to remember where or when or why or how i begin and what i begin with.
That's my solid answer actually. The beginning. It has always been my main driving force and imperishable dynamic to success.


Remember the infamous quote by the whoever that's to be careful/beware of what you wish for.
i was beyond full and bloated for every meal that i have taken since yesterday. Grateful for what i have and what i was granted to be able to enjoy the juicy and scrumptious meals while millions more are starving. i'm sorry for being so apathetic of those issues and done nothing. The least i could do is probably to never ever waste. Life does not centre around me alone, we share, we care but i'm not playing my role on that. Often, we read on news or watch on televisions of those unfortunates and we go like we're so darn lucky, we're so darn fortunate, we're suppose to be grateful and then we sympathize. We may go for donations but no matter how much donations we make, it never cease away the problems. it may help for the minority but the majority? what about them? i'm just a nobody to comment or do something conspicuous and big that could really equalized the unfairness. it does make me feel terrible sometimes but i'm too selfish to wish for a switch. Let's talk karma again. Did they make things that are super unpardonable in the previous life and thus have to gone through the suffering now as a punishment? Maybe they could be reincarnated as animals but sometimes i think some animals have better life than the human before the slaughtering part but if everyone in this universe is a vegetarian, what would have happen to the food chain? is it true that their presence is to make us feel better of our own life and fortune and at the same time feel bad too occasionally? i know i have some unexplainable and incurable mental problems that sometimes i don't feel like i deserve things even though i work hard for it and ask for it from my almighty parents. i am greedy, materialistic and the list goes on.
Thank you God for the meal tonight. And the day before and the previous and everything, good or bad since the moment i was born. THANK YOU.

SMILE!

Going back/Going home

 i feel like blogging but i'm so lack of ideas of what should be inscribed. 

 . . . 

 i just left a few days before departing HOME(!!) and the bad thing about that is that it keeps on haunting or rather excite me and the consequence is that i'm demotivated and low-spirited and slack to continue my daily routine here. 

 Going back, i want to hunt the street and grab all the edible stuffs and scoffing as if i haven't eaten for days. Going back, i want to go shopping for some clothes because my friends keep on teasing me about the only two (or three) monotonous attires that i have in my closet that i thought it's okay to exchange in wearing them each week and each consecutive days but now it struck me like thunders that....i want to get more clothes. Well, i'm just a girl.

 Going back, i want to cherish the moments with my family and share with them the everything that i've learn and my thought on that very "something". It's my maiden encounter of the supernatural and it's creepy. It's not about the death but it's about the One, the omnipresence of Him. Going back, i want to put everything to a halt again before i start over again.

The Lucky One

 Incarcerated. Pissed off. Swore. 

 Yesterday, when i received the call from Aunt Tanjung Malim, i was like so over the moon because i know that she'd be coming to pick me up for a scrumptious meal in Lawan Kuda, like always, just a stone's throw away from the college. I was asking my friends over too because the cafeteria apparently served literally no decent food due to the fasting period. They were having white rice+ketchup+French Fries+fried chicken and no gravy whatsoever just ketchup for lunch. Disgusting. i felt sorry because i'd taking up the very last scoop of the-only-flavoured-fried-rice and they ended up eating those ketchup and rice. 

 At night, Huiwoon and i went to meet up the fellows (guardians) of our block and asked for the confirmation/permission whether we could go out for a meal or something which would be real fast because we just realised that we're still under quarantined. Great. Our world split asunder. i felt lost and down and mad at the ridiculous reason they implied or rather just one of them. 

 It had been weeks we're put under quarantined and now we just want to go out and have a quick decent meal but we're let down by the absurdity. We just bear with no outings and excruciate over the weekends with no traveling but this is too much. We just want a meal.     

 i felt truly inexplicably lucky and overwhelmingly grateful for what i am. i could still constantly have drinks and food (although not so succulent like the other days). i feel like a theft sometimes in which i had to sneak over to have a gulp of water or a bite when my room mates are not around or paying oblivious. 

 i know i'm lucky and i'm grateful for that. So, i would just get over the depressing confinement stuff.

 

 WE are the lucky ones , i'm the lucky one.

Sleep

 i'd been so tired lately and faltered and couldn't find a slight motivation to move on.

 i sleep a little bit longer, i sleep a little bit dreamier, i sleep a little bit enjoyable and i really don't feel like waking up. Nap. More nap. More nap and more. Then ijust left all the books scattered on the table, lying in the bed, ready to get absorbed into the surreality, my fictitious world. Nonetheless, i still couldn't finish my ending because i'm too jaded of something. 

 i'm actually just waiting the time to pass by because i would be going back to where i belong soon. Home. Another one week. It feels like forever. Another one week and we could go outing again. To leave every single depressing thing in this college behind and indulge in ourselves, just let the spirit free and truly enjoy the life by having a splendid shopping spree.

 One week. It should be fast i guess.

 The fasting month is starting from tomorrow. i'm really concerned about the availability of getting my lunch and my drink because i need a constant supply of those to stay positive. 

 It should be fast. Time time time.  

Crush Crush Crush

 You say Hello, inside i'm SCREAMing i love you.

 

 I had always hated my name though i know that i should have appreciated it because i was christened by my parents. However, i couldn't lie to myself and demand myself to like what i don't really like although it's sort of ungrateful or so. Then, i grew up to just bear with it. 

 Then, there's this someone, OMG, the voice is like the calling of an angel and i think that never in my entire life that i could have ever heard my name being pronounced so beautifully. It's like a song, in a sing song tone. The way "Huiting" was enunciated was so dreamy, so beautiful and celestial. And i would really love to hear my name being enunciated over and over again by that specific someone because i swear that i could have flown away and drifted into the wonderland just listening to the voice and closed my eyes and feel it. 

 i'm so in love. No. Not in love. Love is deep, Love is a strong word. i'm just having a crush on someone that could enunciate my name so beautifully, i just fall in love with the voice and the sparkling eyes. Is that too much? This someone is really a jewel, with the head held up high and stand confidently surpassing the others and is among the countable gentlemen that are near extinction and i could only be grateful for having a chance to know this someone and learn that not all people are jerks whatsoever. i just feel like really like this someone because the voice, the kindness, the sincerity, the tenderness and the everything and anything else that i don't know about, yet.   

 The next time i hear a Hello, see a wave or exchanging a sight, i would really scream inside. And i hope that it wouldn't be crafted on my face so vividly like i'm desperate or whatever. 

Hit

 Three Aces and One big stupid B.

 i got B for English. Apparently, nobody got A i guess. i'd expected the result but many mind-boggling questions just keep on jostling in my mind.

 

 i always like English. It's Language and you don't pretty much study for language but with a sprinkling of creativity you shall be fine, i guess. i always love writing. That's the only way i could express my thought and expanding my creativity to its maximum. i love reading because it gives me inspiration and by reading, i endure my solitary moments.

 i have two interests now but i'm sure whether both complement each other that well. i want to major in creative writing and i'm interested in medicine too. Both seem so unrealistic but i'm still finding the right path with my almost light-out torch along this gloomy dark tunnel. Often i see light, like i could be so sure of what i'm so going to do, like i've found my way. Well, life is never a bed of roses. The light just dampen with each steps that i took towards it. It's like Someone's playing a trick on me. Or maybe it's just my illusion? And then i get lost again. 

 i'm going Home again this coming National Day. Although i would probably just have two days to be spent at home, i think it's worthy. i need to go home, i need to be with my family, there's so many things to tell and i don't know where to start and i  must be voiced out face-to-face. Moreover, my Mum did ask me to go home and did approve of  the leave although it's just for a short time. i'm like so touched to hear that. A call to go home.  

     

CFC

 It was one of the most unforgettable weekend i had ever spent.

 So, my friends and i went to this camp, the Christian Fellowship Camp. i was introduced to Christianity. And i fall in love with their passion. We sort of being 'cheated' there because we didn't know it was a Christian Fellowship Camp. 

 it was kind of uncomfortable for me because i wasn't one of the believer and i wonder whether the other true believers who attended the camp realized of my/our disguise/s. i'm glad in the way that i've learnt a lot of interesting stuffs about Christianity and it was sort of a true 'cultural shock'. And a lot of supernatural things sort of happened and astounded all of us. Thank God, everything was settled now. 

 i was flummoxed by the ambience an the sight in front of my eyes when they're making their prayers. I've learnt a lot and Mum said that it's okay to learn about the others and i'm confirmed with all my heart an d every ounce of my energy, i'm still with Buddha. 

 They sing a lot and dance around and they make God their bestest friend. That's kind of an interesting fact to me. They sing their heart out to worship their God. it was quite special to learn that. One other thing that i'm truly deeply salute them is that they're all ardent devoters and they are very emotional with God and they really love their God. 

  

 

Language

 I'd a small talk on Nicholas Sparks with two mixed-Malay girls today and i found out that we do share mutual interest and i could totally improve my English speaking skill to its maximum if i were to befriend them. They're very beautiful, have cool names, speak fluent English and well, i kind of adore them. Then we touched on Twilight,(!) won ton of surfboards from the recent Teen Choice Awards. Surprisingly, they didn't really like Stephenie Meyer's writing and they kind of disapprove of the vampire-smitten love stories as what they claimed it's preposterous. Ouch. It did break my heart, but just a little. Different people tend to have different point of view. They're outspoken. i hope that they're not mocked by the other billions frenzy fans.

 Language. English. I was having my English Assessment last few days on Speaking Skill. Dang. Seriously need to enhance and polish my speaking skill further! i talked like a duck, i startled, i stumbled, and i twitched my tongue to a severe deformity. So, other languages are strictly prohibited since then! Speak English. Practices make perfect. Hopefully, i wasn't so clueless anymore on the next speaking tasks and be fully prepared for my MUET in this coming October, i guess.   

Smart!

 Ouch. i did't know that the image quality is so bad. This was taken during Biology Practical Class and at the end of the day, everyone get scolded for not paying attention during the classes (actually, we're just waiting for the results for Chapter 8 Chromatography). i think that my relationship with my classmates have improved slightly. 

 We do wear lab coat during practical lesson for both Biology and Chemistry and we look effin' SMART! We do look alike/resemble those interns who're doing their housemanship in the hospital right?Where's my stethoscope by the way?  

   

Hallelujah

 Hallelujah!

 The much awaited and demanding water supply has finally recovered. Thanks to the media, or rather the one who'd reported to the media about our harsh situation here in which the Water Supply Department sort of taking no proper prominent actions upon the predicament instead just sending tanks over once a day with the filthy and unhygienic water to distribute to us in the mean time that they cut off the water supply to us. It hit the local news!

 It's a relieve to hear the dripping of the water and to have a chilly, soothing and constant flow of water whenever the tap is turned on. Am  i going to start saving water and low down on my water usage? Not for now maybe but i'll try to be moderate. Instead of the lesson that i've learnt last week, that's to not take things for granted and to appreciate and to practice consuming water in moderate when the system is fixed but i have to admit that everything is so bullshit. Let the water flows people.

 

 Concerning the H1N1 pandemic, everything is just rumours. No single student of our college has been infected with the disease yet and many are under quarantined and it does bring about many inconvenience. i'm really thankful that i'd recovered from my cough. i refuse to see the doctor for fear of being directed to be quarantined like the others and couldn't attend classes. Yestreday i wore face mask to lecturers and it's super troublesome. My spectacles just kept on forming a cloud of condensed liquid and it blurred my sight, so i have to breathe decently. i'll try to wear it frequently too if i have the mood to do so...

Update

 Great. Just great. 5 days of insufficient water supply. Insufficient in the case that the water supply only available at interval of hours and it's so freaking frustrating. i have to be fast, furious, aggressive and wise. Storm to the toilet and get my buckets filled and do my business. i don't know who to blame and obviously it's the school administration and i wonder whether there're people keep on going to the office on 5 consecutive days to complain because it's our students' right and i'm to blame myself too because i take no actions upon the problem.

 i'm still having the tormenting cough and it's really killing me. i feel like i could die any minutes, coughing severely like a 90-years-old patient lying on the bed waiting to die with the frail body and mind. The H1N1 pandemic is as serious as usual. The whole college is under quarantined and we're not allowed to go out and it's less likely that the college is going to be closed despite the increasing number of people who'd been suspected to be affected with the virus.

 Enough with the bad news, here comes the good one. i aced my Mathematics Mid-Semester Test. Hooray! i'm not sure whether i scored full marks or not and deep down my heart, i do know that i really want to score a perfect 10 but whatever. It's better than nothing. It's either 8,9 or 10 marks i get for the final examination. It's crucial. 

 So today, after lecturing, Sir Lee Hock Chai, my Mathematics lecturer teacher was showing picture and some details of students on the display screen and we(Jiening and I) thought that it's for the not-so-grand-birthday-celebration for those who born in August. (Jiening was born in July and Sir celebrated her birthday during lecture class with the others. She got a super cute and small birthday cake.) However, when we saw the picture of Jiening, it hit us. The students are all those who'd secured a flashing A for Maths. Dang. Dang. Dang. He put on my super hideous picture(taken during the first day of my arrival at here/hell, and it's just so damn hideous and disgusting). It's not as if i'm pretty or anything but that one was really hideous. i took it after i cried out loud on the first day and so my eyes were swelling and stuff and it's super hideous. i don't know whether to feel happy to see my picture being displayed or to feel embarrassed over the matter. it's a mixed feeling i guess.

 * So need to heal my throat.

 * So going to pray for water.

 * So concern about Biology and Chemistry. i think i screwed both up.

Dang

 Unbelievable. There's no water supply, AGAIN! And my hands are now trembling slightly because i'd lost almost all of the energy available yet still summoning some so that i could complete my post today just in case... 

 i need to go back home so desperately. My sickness hasn't subsided and there're students who have been suspected of succumbing to the shall-not-be-name-pandemic and are quarantined and some are sent home and some are admitted to hospital and some probably still wandering around the college. People are now avoiding having a close contact with me, i think and i'm irritated with myself too because as much as i want to stop coughing and trying to hold back, i just couldn't control it.

 i overheard from the radio that those who have the symptoms of the shall-not-be-name-sickness must take the responsibility to see the doctor as fast as possible because it's selfish to stay ignorant. Dang. Do i need to go to see the doctor too tomorrow morning? What if i am to be quarantined and i can't go to classes and i might get infected. 

 Do need to recover! i'd almost run out of medicine! 

*Lenka was/is in Malaysia!!!

*MTV World Stage to be held soon!!! 

     

 

Better than fine

 Getting sick during the wrong time, right place.

 Before i inched into the examination room, i was chuckling to myself because the doctor i was about to attend to look quite alike Hugh Laurie a.k.a Dr.Gregory House. i was carefully studying his demeanor. i always like to study people, anthropology used to interest me. He was so gentle, so subtle, so graceful, so slow in movement. Typical doctor, maybe he's figuring what's wrong with me or rather analyzing how severe my condition is.  The ambience turned sombre. He informed us (me and my Mum) that he'd sent two people to the hospital for fear of the infection of the pandemic Influenza A H1N1. Gulped. 

 i was totally fine, just having a normal fever and shall get healthy soon by taking the prescription he's given, hopefully. Still, i could feel the heat of my body radiating intensely as if i could fry an egg on it because it does feel like a hot heating pan and i left all the heat everywhere i go.

 The pandemic was quite serious in Malaysia. Several Malaysian had died and many more are infected (hit thousands, 4 digits, that's A LOT) and the cure is still an unknown. Every single one seriously do need to get a vaccination.

 Sick. it felt like dying. Do go away. i couldn't afford to get sick particularly at time like this. Going back, to the place i least wanted to be. Have to get better than fine.