Dear U

Dear You,

I am so confused with the life I'm living in now. I regret for so many un fathomable questions n wonders in my mind that I choose to keep silent about it instead of getting 'em answered. As much as I wan to believe in the good thing and have faith like what I used to promise myself, now, I am having this insomnia and having the urge to let You know that I can't mo e along like this.

Coming back and experiencing this again means to have to take my time to readapt, again. Watching people move on with their life seem very surreal to me. They all seem very fictional and comical that I choose to see them as unreal, seriously. It's another world here.

My spirits n energy is at its lowest level ever. Have to keep mind boggling things aside n focus now. Hypnotizing myself that I am not incapable but I m just too easily distracted with other tempting guilty pleasure such as games n movies n gossip girl as well as greys anatomy not to forget the vampire diaries.

Good night world.

im a gypsy

my 2011's posts were half of the previous year. and starting the new year, i have only blogged twice, which are all of trivial details thingy. seriously getting scarce of vocabulary and low expressing capability. i missed blogging about my homestay life in negeri sembilan and also the last journey back to kelantan which was also my maiden travel in a 10 hours bus ride(not the longest yet). frankly, it happened for two consecutive weekend, getting to travel from south to north and i am still exhausted from everything whatnot with the recent chinese new year celebration, noticing myself getting plumpier. gah. to make things worst, i do not have a clue on everything on the lastest neuroscience module.

recently learned that somehow, i have to have faith in future. have to work hard and just do my part right, love life, hoping that everything will really turn out right as what has been foretold. *crossing fingers for that*

Cherly Cole is so pretty! love girls with dimples! :D

window to the soul

it is a brand new year! they say that 2012 is The End but who knows. and i just realized that the first day of new year is just like any other ordinary day. when the clock struck past 12 midnight, it is just like every other day that i glued my eyes on the idiot box (was at home for mid semester break) pledging my eyes to tire down and ring a bell that it's time for bed. i have no celebration, no countdown whatsoever and i find that birth day could be just another ordinary day too. it's just a date, a day to specifically limit, to remind, and for acknowledgement purpose.

they say that the eyes is the window to one's soul. as for a new year's resolution, i just want to take good care of my dear eyes because my eyesight has worsen over the year and i just found out about it a couple of days ago. actually, i have stop believe in resolution because it's hard to keep and adhere to but i will work hard on my eyes.

That frustrating moment

That frustrating moment watching Miss Universe / Miss World thinking how could these ladies are so darn beautifully with perfect body, charisma, intellectual and almost goddess like.

Someone like you

I think I have made a few mistakes in my life that I don't think I want to apologize for that mistakes because I'm not hundred percent at fault. If u know me and get along with me for so long, I am so going to be really honest and mean in a way that I know it hurts the feeling but I couldn't help it cuz I know that I need to speak my mind, literally. Sigh. Living with guilt now but then somehow I feel good about it cuz I am no longer under control of anyone. In a way, I have learnt to be a master of my own self. I do not have to live my life according to plan or anything. It's freedom.

For the past few months, I've learnt of a way to broaden my point of views and perspective of life. I do not dwell on any grumps or failure or bad outcomes for too long a time that it eats me up inside. Instead, I've learnt to forgive, forget and to do more to be a better man.

Some say that it's a pathetic to live on without a purpose of life. True. Until today, I still don't know what is my purpose of life. I just know that I need to complete my studies (never mind that if I do not excel because sometimes things are just not meant for me. It's like how you have a strong attractive feeling for someone but he is not your destined soulmate. So, no matter how things move on, if it's not urs, it will never be yours. Hmmmm. Things like that if you know what I mean.)

So, I stumbled across a blog site that I am truly amazed and impressed with the writer's writing skill. I could really read all his posts if most of them werent on too much details and emphasize on his religion, his belief. I mean I respect all those but it didn't keep me long as I have to skip over to next entry. I wish that I am knowledgable and wise like him too. From his writing n all, I know That he reads a lot and I feel inferior and sorry for myself that I didn't get the opportunity or rather acknowledge the importance and value of reading, writing and knowledge when I was in secondary school. Besides, i wish that in the family we could converse in English to improve on my speaking skills so that I don't have to startled over words. We should have implied that once my little sister is born. Can't believe that after all these years, I am still the old lazy, slacking, low spirited, shallow and no self esteem whatsoever "sedentary" me. It's a purposeless, idle life. Now, everything is a little too late because of the academic needs and the need to stay focus and still and persevere on What I am pursuing now instead of sprouting regrets towards the millions what-ifs and wondering on the roads not taken.

It always come across me, I think most of the people too. I always see how some lecturers cockily introduced their educational backgrounds, having the privileges to study overseas with double degrees or PhD and so on. I do respect and admire them of course because it's no easy to have that opportunity and they must have been among the best. What keep me thinking was that what if I choose on the not-so-critical course as that would really change my life because I am pretty sure that I can secure a seat. Killing two birds with one stone. Well, maybe three. Get a overseas, recognized coveted degree, getting to travel around abroad and lastly make a few foreigner friends. Who knows that love might blossoms. Love that transcend culture, time and beauty.

Speaking of that, I kind of have a thing for a dude who is knowledgable, who reads a lot(not necessary a bookworm or a geek), someone's is is casually smart, humorous and better, good at photography, writing and speaking. Ha-ha. Adding on the list would just make him a fictional construct. Well, I think I can live forever with someone like that. Romantic inside, a little introvert and always full with ideas and creativity.

i hate you

how do you define best friend?

frankly, i used to think so and so are one of my best friends but the word best doesnt really justify it. i suppose i could only use close or good friend. because best friends are suppose to be able to communicate transcend the time and both are willing to share everything, keeping no secret, trusting each others, just holding on faith. guess i am still not able to do that because my egoism is taking over a very big part of me. am still having troubles trusting people fully. even with my mum, i never really tell her everything that she demands she want to know. what was i thinking, feeling and experiencing. she asked me to tell her just everything because she is the closest ever. true. but mum, i was born this way. i was born introvert. not that i dont trust you but i am so used to keeping everything to myself (and you did see what happen when everything has gone beyond maximum point and the maximum tension. i burst. like a ferocious volcano).

once saw on Oprah an obese girl who used to be bullied and making fun of in the school confessing on television to her mum, with tears streaming down her face, howling. telling her mum: I hate you. I hate you because you are my only best friend. My heart cried for her. (supposedly it was a psychology thing that the counsellor guided the problematic teengaers to express their feeling that way...starting the sentence with 'i hate you'. yes mum. "I hate you cuz you love me so much and you have so much faith in me that i am scared that i will only let you down".

well. though i dont really have best friend, i do have a variety of close friends. They are so different in every way. i found a piece of me in each of them. they truly makes my life better and i knw that i can always go to them to talk about those little things that get me excited and make me happy after a tiring day or week. they never fail to make me smile and move on. though none really know how miserable i was feeling inside, i am just comfortable that way. still finding courage to surpass my stubborn self and learn to open up. and i am grateful that once a while, they shared their problems with me. =)

and last confession, i am truly sorry for some that didnt make it that far. i dont like to make any emotional attachment to any or get way too close because once i set the diameter shorter, i feel like people actually start to take control over me. feel like i am being used. always the one to make sacrifice and all. always the one with the softest voice. always the one not given chance to make decision n speak up. i despise that. and i wont tell you that straight into your face. i dont want o hurt your feeling bt i guess starting with ignorance and indifference hurt more. i dont care. i have no choice. see, i am mean this way.

odd number is hard. it always have to be in even or pairs. because someone will always left out. i dont want to be the one 'chosen' because i am more comfortable alone. i dont really mind being alone. moreover, i care about the left out one. read it like an open book. guess i am 'kind' this way for compromising n tolerating eh?