Mix-Tape

They say that Life is unfair. People always keep jealous of each other, people always trying to keep up with the jones, people is always greedy and we can't ever get enough and cherish what we have. Fortune, fame, wealth, luxury, beauty, and power. Does all that really matter?

i totally agree about the old saying. Likewise, though i am granted with everything that i own now and i know that it's permanent if i just keep appreciate it and be wise, i am never ever going to be fully satisfy because people are always greedy.

Growing up, i have learnt that everyone is granted with special things that i always tend to wonder why i don't have the same thing as they are. At the same time, i also learn that they don't have what i own and i know that nobody is ever going to take away that from me. i heard tales and i sense with my own sanity. i want to know more about people because those stories that i knew about them just made me grow stronger as it hinders me from being driven by the guilt and the devil to ask for more than what i have. It's like i was swimming inside a big ocean, knowing a little bit about every people that i have came across and they'll never know whenever i call for them, feel sympathy, feel happy for them and wishing to know more about them. They'll never hear my calling. It is actually quite a fair life to live. It depends on how we view life. Get on the right angle and everything is beautiful.

i know by heart that i have more than enough and God forbid that i ask for more. However, i couldn't fathom the real meanaing and reason behind all these miseries that He have arranged for me to endure. What's the point of all these? Is it a part of life that every one is compelled to have a piece of history, sad story, misery just as to equalised with the others so that nobody's superior from one another. We are just the same because we're living life. i wish to break the chain but i am so timid to even make my move, to make my first step. i am afraid of the futile outcome and put all those embarassment and more sorrow to myself.

Who are going to be there to hear my story? Who are going to be there to supprt me? Who are going to hear me crying and cry with me? Who are going to tell me to just move on? Who can guarantee me that i can live the rest of my life without feeling guilty, fear and angst? Who is going to secure me?

It occurs to me that people don't have to envy of others. People don't have to feel the agony that the whole unfairness thing bring about. People don't have to feel their life is a bullshit. People need to start to learn to appreciate. People need to start fighting for themselves. People need to be happy and not frowning all the time. People need to live life. The right way to do it, cheerish, be happy and enjoy. They could think of all those bad fortunes did have happened to them for plenty of uncountable reasons. If those adversities weren't put into testing their faith and strength, they aren't going to grow up. Of course there are people who are always lucky than the other. But do bear in mind that they ought to lack of certain vital element in life too. Sometimes, people wish for a swift, for a better life but what they do really have to know and understand is that they are living the life at its best just the way it is as they are. They need to work for a better way to improve life and enjoy the whole process and only then, it brings about the utter happiness and greatest achievement.

***

Pup used to tell me to not laughing out so loud for no solid reasons, to not be overwhelmed by excitement and engulfed in own laughters because i might encounter a super hideous and heartwreching event the next day or so. Pup forgot about a lot of things of the past ad totally understandable. I took it seriously for everything that he had taught and shared with me. Thank you Pup!

i have been laughing out loud so much lately. it feel really good, really great, really soothing. i love laughing. i loathe smiling. i think i have mental disorders. maybe there's too much dophamine, maybe, my body needs to reduce the production of those. i swear that i'm not under the influence of drug. i don't do drug except caffeine.

i hope to bring happiness to people and they too can laughing out loud with me because it is a really superb feeling. it feels like nothing else matter, it feel just so darn great. i wish that people are not irritated by my laughters which are totally loud and annoying.

***

One more week to go before i am about to endure one of the most depressing day of my life which happen to be a vital point of upturning or rather downturning(depends on the way of people judege it) in the pathway of my life too. So, i am choosing to be happy on 25th November 2009 because no matter what the outcome is, life has to go on. It gives me more time to ponder of my life, my priority and my happiness. Nonetheless, i know that i am carrying a burden of people's hope on me. i am offering my apologies if i am about to upset and dissapointed these people because i have tried my very best. it gives me a golden opportunity to prove to them that i am not what they think i am. i am just ordinary. Geez. The expectation can really drive me into a realm of inescapable tormentment.

i could go back home. i couldn't fathom why would people hate their home so much, unless those who were born in a problematic family of anguished abusement since young and having a bleak history of childhood that i would never ever comprehend how they feel, how they react, how they accept, how they strive and how they make through it. Home is the world's most priceless and precious place to be around and i wouldn't miss any opportunity to travel back because home is where i seek for refuge, a place in which i know that i am fully secured, a place so full of love and home is haven. i treasure every moment because time envies me spending time at home that it seems to tick faster than ever.

Most importantly, home is the only place in which i find a temporary escapism of my harsh and hectic life which is driving me insane as days passed.

Let have a brief update of the days i had been enduring since the beginning of second goddamn lifeless semester. i am taking Biology slows. Taking my own time to digest, killing time lecturing copying notes without having a goddamn sense to even try to understand what the hell had been joted down. Copy, copy and copy. Time was spent exasparating over getting a new lousy temporary lecturer that i find her having her career as a Biology lecturer is a total failure to her and eveything she put up all the while is vain. i kep on whining instead of choosing to tolerate. Serve me right. Chemistry is the period i like the most. i can't stop giggling because my lecturer is having a quite poor pronounciation in English but i still like her the best because she's using English medium for teaching. Yay! i am aware of my impudence and my inappropriate behaviour but it is very funny. Then, the lesson is interesting. As time passed, i found myself able to adapt to her teaching using the very-funny-English-pronounciation and cut down on my giggling moments and volume. Still, it was anticipating to discover new words that she will pronounce funnily. Next, Mathematics is drving me insane like always. Lecturer sucks, working sucks, contents blur, number made my head spin.

So far, everything is just so sucks and unbearable since the starting of second semester except that i get to be in the same class with Woon and we get along so well and i'm constantly lonely by her absence. She makes me laugh so hard and she makes everything okay. Next, SPOTTED! The bestest hotty around, a 'ketupat'! i swear that those 'bakchangs' are so going to turn sour and they're not even tasteful anymore!

***

The previous post was written yesterday. Today, i had a totally different view of people attitude towards going back home. It proves that people just keep on changing, having different view everyday, keep on absorbing knowledge and experience and come up with the best of all. It's called growing up.

There are people who rather choose to not go home because they claimed that it burns the hole in their pockets. i believe that they are still missing their loved ones but it's quite an unaffordable journey and not so worth with such limited time. then comes the hardest part of all;parting. So, how would i judge them? i am just so lucky.

New Moon is going to be on cinema next week! Damn. Cinema is needed in Kelantan wehhh! i am still with Edward though jacob is quite tempting. =]

Judgement

Sometimes, i wish that the journey is a never-ending whenever i'm traveling on the road. it just seems so right to just stare out wide to whatever that is offering by the nature that have been shielded between the window seats. It just seems so right to let the thoughts drifted away into a subconcious mind and dream of the imposibilities, the celestial future, the everything else that brings comfort and forcing self to not concern much of the sorrow and tense. But, there's always a destination. There's always a stop. And with that, i just have to step down and brace the present and wait anxiously for another ride.

Yesterday, i went for movie with friends. 2012. Meeting up with Lilian, Peichin and Yitxin and totally grateful that they're there earlier to make the day an unforgettable one and made the plan worked. Totally absorbed by it. Just the kind of movie i have always learn to love;nerve-wracking, a sprinkling of touching scenes that made tears drop, occasion humor that made a smile is crafted on the face which sooth the soul, or sometimes burst out loughing out loud and yeah of course hot guys!

So, there have been a lot of thinkings jostling in my mind lately and yesterday just made everything heavier. Though, i have came to bear with it. There are questions that nobody seems to be able to answer or probably it is me solely who doesn't know who to seek for refuge and help and solid, convincing answer. Next, those hidden dejected and confusion feeling that no one seems to be able to share with me and comprehend. Then, i am constantly lost.

Ever since coming back from semester break, i am not sure what the hell i was doing with my own life here. Everything falters, enthusiasms fade, pathos grows, inconsistency follows.

i know very well that one of the priority in my life is to be devoted to my parents. i always think of them first before God, i don't know why, though i know that God is considerably the main reason that i am here, now, for real, alive. He is my Creator after all. and then came my family, friends follow next whom i have learnt to love every single day during my endurance here, especially Woon. Ha Ha. She always made me laugh out loud and she's so damn funny and i like that a lot. She was there when i was sad, when i was in trouble and make me happy. i like that a lot. Woon is funny, funny, funny! Never fails to make my day.

So, my parents, who have always been my driving force whenever i was down are among the reasons why i am doing what i am doing. it's just feel so divine to make them happy and be proud of me and to hear them uttering i am their greatest happiness/achievement through their significant laughters and adorably smiles. It's so irresistable. It's like i yearn for more and more because it pleased me too to please them. Mutual merriment.

Then, i have my own dream too. i want to challenge myself and i want to find answer and solution to my curiousity and satisfy my interest. As days passed, i am not even sure of my capability. Maybe, it's a false alarm. Oh God, where's this dark tunnel leading me again? When can i be so sure of what i am to become. Through determinations, hardworking and all, as much as i want to fervently believe i can vie for the outstanding achievement ever, there's still a tiny creature (developing as time passes) inside that keeps on persuading me to seek for a way out of this uncertainty because it seems to bring more hope and hell yeah, as soon as i step out, it is just the right track ever that only a few ever find themselves discover in ages. Should i?

Growing up, still. i am not sure of what have became to all those solid and concrete decision that i once so sure of heading towards it no matter whatever predicaments it would bring about. i feel sorry for myself, not because that i have lose faith completely but it's just that i am too naïve to make up those at such tender age. Enduring the real world, bracing all those staggering adversities made me feel stupid, immature and vain. Maybe i am something else. Just maybe if only i try to take a diversion. It's my life after all and people should understand that if they care, they want me to be happy.

Great. i have another 5 months to endure. It's so sickening.

A New Start

So, i am back in KMPk. MUET is over and i'm quite satisfied if everything doesn't go wrong.

I am happy and excited because i am same class with Huiwoon. Muahahahahaha. it was so darn unbelievable because we're like best friend and we're neighbours and we have so much in common. it's so great because i'm not alone anymore in the mundane class.

i was just my English lesson just now and i have a new English teacher, Miss Lim. I super love her accent, the way she speaks, it's so intriguing. i wished to learn more from her.

everything has gone so great so far and i totally love my new start though still waiting anxiously and impatiently for the next holidays.

Shit. Kelantan lost to Negeri Sembilan in the football match. Heart-wrenching!

My Bailey

It's Leewen aka Ah Beh's 18th birthday.

The yesterday, Sockhoon, Beh and I already met up at Noodle Station. We ate, we chatted, we laughed and i had a whale of time with them.

i missed everyone so much. It has been a year i haven't meet up with Sockhoon and i'm glad that we're still friend. i wished her good luck in her future undertakings and i'm looking forward to see her again because i owe her a meal. Next time, the treat is on me.

Next, although i haven't meet Beh for months, i felt like i've known her for a lifetime and she was always there and we're never parted before. We got so much to talk about and Beh is still the same Beh. She's funny due to her unashamed self-consciousness and i've learnt to love it very much. it's among the the thing i adore about Beh, having so much of self confidence which i obviously lack of and i really miss her.

Going back to college soon and i miss home already.

It starts with...

Blogging.

Everyone starts to take interest in my life particularly those segments which involve boy who becomes of my interest aka crush. The bottom line is, my lips are sealed. i ain't telling anyone who but i'm inscribing down the pathway of my life that i've taken and chosen and gone through so that when i looked back 10 or 30 years if that's in God's will, i would feel that my life is quite fun, flirty, sneaky and exciting. it didn't bother me much whether i would still remember that particular person or not but the events that had taken place and making me to become what i am in my future are more vital. Anyway, i had gotten over those things, him, and i'm good to go.

i started blogging because it's actually a very effective way for me to develop my creativity, to enhance my writing skill, to express my thoughts and also to eternalize my history. i could do it privately instead of doing it publicly aka blogging but i would like to share with people too. Of course, there's certain limitation that i've set because i would love to just keep it like that. Then, i would like to share my story, the tales i known so that we'd appreciate, so that we could learn something, so that we could get a good grasp of life, so that one day, we found ourselves. Then, blogging is my remedy to overcome my stress, to capture articles by articles of happy memories and events so that i know, always keep in mind that i've once been so happy and lively and the momentum will just keep running, irrevocably. Next, life is never a bed of roses. There are sadness, agony and all. Well, i am just a normal being too. Then, if people see all this sadness, they would know that they have nothing to envy because i have sad moments too. i, on the other hand, would learn from all those devastations and pulled through everything and moved on because that's the way life is. Then, i would not feel bad about myself for all those lucky and happy things that i own because i know that they come with miseries and they're malicious and they're vicious. Then, i just moved on. i want to be happy, always.

Actually, my biggest dream is that my Mum could see who i am. They said that Mothers known their children the most. Two thumbs up for that.

Mimi was asking whether i was seeing anyone. Crap. i was like what?! what's that?! She answered that she knew i wasn't and she was guessing Brother is. Great. Mum really knows me.

Nonetheless, i know that Mum doesn't know everything about me. i want her to be a part of me, i want her to live with me, i want her to know me, better, the best. As close as Mum and i getting along, there's still gap, there's still certain part that i dare not allow my Mum to step in because i'm shy and afraid of God knows what. Still, Mum is my best friend, lover and Mother.

i hope that maybe just one day, Mum would know all these things about me, how i'd grown up to be what i am going to be in the future. All those good and bad things that'd befallen me and strengthen me, assist me, to become what i am to become. Then, she would know that i love her very much, though she knows it already, by heart.

Time-traveled

i've been stalking this one particular person for quite some time.

i couldn't remember how i come to know her presence but since then, i'm so caught up with her. i would visit her blog every now and then just to see what's up with her and i'd gather some vital informations about her.

She's of my age, studying in matriculation Kedah, staying in Shah Alam, i think it's the same area as my Aunt. She loves reading and ballet.

A couple of days ago, she posted about The Time Traveler's Wife. i was like so stunned because i'm reading it too. Then it hit me. i think we could be friends, i'm not going to add her in Facebook and introduce myself and all but i just want to play a game.

i feel like i might, just might, have a chance to get to know her in future, if that's in God's will.

How magical would that be eh?

Then, i'm going to tell her that i've been stalking on her, i mean, i have known her all this while. Eager to know how would she react. This is going to be fun!

The Longest Ride

It was the longest ride i had ever taken of traveling back to Grandma in my history of Journey To Meet Grand. I didn't realise that the 45 minutes ride, probably 50km journey from home to Grandma was that long. it had always been so carefree, so lively, so don't-have-to-do-anything- just-enjoy-the-views-and-appreciate-Mother's Nature but when i was the driver, FOCUS, CONCENTRATION, CALM and ALERT were all i had to take note and that summed up to be EXHAUSTION.

I hadn't go for driving for ages. Everything they taught in driving school is bullshit.

i am so darn stupid to not even know how to manage gear 1. If i started out perfectly, and there's no traffic lights or anything that need my effort to come to a halt before i continue again, i was doing just fine, really fine. Then, if i were to bring to a hiatus, millions thanks to the traffic lights or T-junctions or whatever they were, i'm so dead. Dig a hole for me so that i could stuck my head in. i made a fool of myself. Glad to make the people around happy.

So, i was so frustrated and exasperated with myself that i'm so damn useless. Even tough Daddy keeps on guiding me, i just don't have faith in myself and i'm utterly confident that the engine's going to shut down as i was working my ass off to maneuver the car. Damn.

Going home, Pup teach me again. Then, same thing. i proved nothing again. i was so upset and wanted to give up because there's still a magnificent invention of Automatic car. Nonetheless, i really want to overcome my fear and excel in my driving skill, manually.

Coming to Tanah Merah, Daddy brought me to have a ride again. Practicing. OMG. i couldn't believe it myself. i try to put things together, trying to figure things out, mesmerizing Pup's words, his teaching and stuffs, and Daddy's words too and there i went. i manage it. OMG. The engine did not shut the hell down at all. Practice makes perfect, have a little faith, confidence and technique, it brings success.

The half an hour just now was my bestest and happiest moments ever for today and should be remembered for the rest of my life because nothing is impossible. =] Hooray!

Speaking of my low self-esteem, i think, it'll stuck with me for the rest of my life. i don't like to take responsibility, i don't want to oblige to anything, i just don't have confidence to do big things and also things that i'd tried like a million times yet still fail to excel in it, so i would just give up and want to get over it but there's still something in me that's demanding myself to try even harder.

However, i'm now making a snapshot of my success so that the next time when i'm down, i will have this note to serve as my booster and to tell myself to not give up because 'if i think i can, i can' (applies to certain conditions only).

When i was enduring my study week, a couple of weeks ago, it bugged me so much that i cried out of disappointment and also as a mean to release my tension by letting the tears rolled down my cheeks because i just didn't get Chemistry right. The tears had enclosed my fear, my tense, my idiocy, my illiterate, my dismay, my angst, my helplessness, my hopelessness, my love. Crying as if i was about to choke to death. Doing the past year questions, some more having the answer scheme printed out perfectly with me though never to expect everything was right and just had to bear with it that some were missing. Enough said. What can i expect right? We're all grown ups and stuffs and stuffs, they're not having the same way of education system like secondary school right? Damn, i miss Mr Wong Kam Meng so much.

So, before the crying part, (i'm proud to declare that i cried of stress. Why should i keep it as a secret? i'm just a normal girl, a commoner, an ordinary) i went to consult my Chemistry lecturer. it did take a lot of courage to see her because apparently, i didn't even know what to ask, where should i begin. Moreover, i was so ashamed. Why did the others seem to have no problems with their Chemistry at all? i braced myself though. The saying had it that "Those who are shy to ask for directions always get lost"/Malu bertanya sesat jalan.

She broke my heart, scattered to thousands of coward fragments. She let my innocent spirit falter, freed to the Far Far Away Land . Yet, she made me understand. i repented. She was paying oblivion and indifferent to my doubts, my inquiries, my everything, my presence. She claimed that whatever the hell that i was to ask was in the precious notes she'd slogged over the nights working her asses off to prepare and just reluctant to even see what i want to show/ask her. The theory wasn't even in the syllabus anymore but those were from past year questions and this little want-to-know-everything drama queen just want to comprehend how the hell to get the answer, just in case. i was even more exasperated but i kept it cool. i wasn't livid but just disappointed with myself even more because i wish that i were a genius, i wish i were Kyle.

Damn.

Did she know how impertinent she was? i used to respect and like her but her actions and attitudes that freaking day were just plain vain and she bears no respects from me. i didn't even care for the belief that the students should get blessing and give thanks to their teachers and all that in order to excel in the examinations or sort. However, here is my list of my gratitude. Thanks to you Madam, i've learnt that i can count on myself to achieve my goals. Thanks to you too, i'd realize that for the past several months, the achievements and success i made were solely of my own efforts. My sleepless nights, my sweats, my burns, my agony, my pain, my hard work and the others. All of them because i'd worked it off sincerely, diligently and whole-heartedly. Of course, thanks to your lessons too, thanks to you that my relationship with Jiening got better and we had a whole lot of topics to chat about in order to keep us awake in your lectures. Thanks to you. Thanks to your notes. Thanks to your advices. Thanks to your brief lecturing. Thanks to you for becoming my Chemistry lecturer for Semester 1. You are a great force for me to strive harder too. Thanks to you for breaking my fragile little heart and eventually i'd learnt. i'd grown up. i understood better. i see thing differently as it widen my horizon.

That's why i cried. Crying out loud.

Mum was Great. She is Love. i don't know what or which word/s is/are suitable to describe her. My love for her, what she means to me. She means too much, so much. i just had to cry for her. Although i'd said this a bizillion times, i'm not tired of repeating it again,"I LOVE YOU MUMMY!" Her words and advices and support and faith in me are still echoing so celestially in my mind till today. "Mummy believes in you. Mummy has faith in you. Mummy knows you can do it. Mummy knows. Mummy loves you and everything and everything." i cried. i put the phone away from my ears just to hide my sadness. i was choking so severely in my futile attempt to suppress my devastation. i didn't want Mimi to hear me sobbing and crying because i didn't want to make her sad too and worried her but i failed miserably. Something ran through my mind and i had to tell her. i must. So there i go. i didn't even know if i ever am able to be a doctor, a successful , a good, a qualified doctor anymore. i was lost.

The next few days, i kept on getting moral supports and faith and strength from my Mother. She caught back my spirit from the Far Far Away Land. She sew my heart back into its decent shape little by little, pieces by pieces. Finally, i was healed. And Pup was catching up. i knew he cared about me too. PUP I LOVE YOU! i knew that i'm you, you're me. We're alike. We love each other. We care. We worried. We love. We just don't know how to express it. Therefore, it's okay. Remember, i'm you. i knew what you are thinking, what you want to say to me, what's inside you. I LOVE YOU. i want you to know that there wasthis one day that i missed you so much. When i miss you, i remember of my childhood with you and brother in it. The history began to framed up in my mind. Yes in black and white. It's like watching classic movie. i love to remember you that way. i don't know why. Then, your jokes, your laughters, your artistic skills, your words, you lessons to me and the others. i remembered it, not all, i wish i could. i'm sorry for feeling this way but i think of all your children, you love me the most. Shit. What was i thinking right? i promised to never give up. i will try my best. i'm sorry for making everyone sad and worry.

For hours, i tried to solve the riddles. Voila! Out of my angst, i found things better. i found my answer and my goddamn annoying curiosity paid off, with a great price. I remembered this so well. (Kw=Ka*Kb) Something to do with salt and acid and base and stuffs. i have forgotten the whole things but i remembered the K things, the equation. Okay. i moved on. I knew the whole damn stupid concept better and i moved on. i had to waste no time. Speaking of time, i wish i could buy more time, especially from my room mate. My dear room mate. i love her but i wish she could work hard to accomplish her dream. Watching her slobbing around wasn't going to bear any good results unless she had superpower or something. Watching her made me livid. Furious. i wished to buy her time. i wished my life was easy, like her. i wished i care less but Thank God i care a LOT, a hell LOT.

Then, i was nothing. i was healed. Although i was lost, i knew that i had to do my best under whatever circumstances because i didn't want to live in grief and regret. i paced myself steadily into my battlefield. i had to do it, either putting my best foot forwards or stood rooted. Of course, i choose the former one.

Then, i think i won. i won. i won because i had strive for my bestest ever and i knew that i would have no regret.

p/s The Kw=Ka*Kb thing was in the exam i think. i tried to do it my way though the outcome could be a big disappointment. Perhaps, it would be given bonus marks or something because it wasn't in the syllabus anymore.