I hadn't go for driving for ages. Everything they taught in driving school is bullshit.
i am so darn stupid to not even know how to manage gear 1. If i started out perfectly, and there's no traffic lights or anything that need my effort to come to a halt before i continue again, i was doing just fine, really fine. Then, if i were to bring to a hiatus, millions thanks to the traffic lights or T-junctions or whatever they were, i'm so dead. Dig a hole for me so that i could stuck my head in. i made a fool of myself. Glad to make the people around happy.
So, i was so frustrated and exasperated with myself that i'm so damn useless. Even tough Daddy keeps on guiding me, i just don't have faith in myself and i'm utterly confident that the engine's going to shut down as i was working my ass off to maneuver the car. Damn.
Going home, Pup teach me again. Then, same thing. i proved nothing again. i was so upset and wanted to give up because there's still a magnificent invention of Automatic car. Nonetheless, i really want to overcome my fear and excel in my driving skill, manually.
Coming to Tanah Merah, Daddy brought me to have a ride again. Practicing. OMG. i couldn't believe it myself. i try to put things together, trying to figure things out, mesmerizing Pup's words, his teaching and stuffs, and Daddy's words too and there i went. i manage it. OMG. The engine did not shut the hell down at all. Practice makes perfect, have a little faith, confidence and technique, it brings success.
The half an hour just now was my bestest and happiest moments ever for today and should be remembered for the rest of my life because nothing is impossible. =] Hooray!
Speaking of my low self-esteem, i think, it'll stuck with me for the rest of my life. i don't like to take responsibility, i don't want to oblige to anything, i just don't have confidence to do big things and also things that i'd tried like a million times yet still fail to excel in it, so i would just give up and want to get over it but there's still something in me that's demanding myself to try even harder.
However, i'm now making a snapshot of my success so that the next time when i'm down, i will have this note to serve as my booster and to tell myself to not give up because 'if i think i can, i can' (applies to certain conditions only).
When i was enduring my study week, a couple of weeks ago, it bugged me so much that i cried out of disappointment and also as a mean to release my tension by letting the tears rolled down my cheeks because i just didn't get Chemistry right. The tears had enclosed my fear, my tense, my idiocy, my illiterate, my dismay, my angst, my helplessness, my hopelessness, my love. Crying as if i was about to choke to death. Doing the past year questions, some more having the answer scheme printed out perfectly with me though never to expect everything was right and just had to bear with it that some were missing. Enough said. What can i expect right? We're all grown ups and stuffs and stuffs, they're not having the same way of education system like secondary school right? Damn, i miss Mr Wong Kam Meng so much.
So, before the crying part, (i'm proud to declare that i cried of stress. Why should i keep it as a secret? i'm just a normal girl, a commoner, an ordinary) i went to consult my Chemistry lecturer. it did take a lot of courage to see her because apparently, i didn't even know what to ask, where should i begin. Moreover, i was so ashamed. Why did the others seem to have no problems with their Chemistry at all? i braced myself though. The saying had it that "Those who are shy to ask for directions always get lost"/Malu bertanya sesat jalan.
She broke my heart, scattered to thousands of coward fragments. She let my innocent spirit falter, freed to the Far Far Away Land . Yet, she made me understand. i repented. She was paying oblivion and indifferent to my doubts, my inquiries, my everything, my presence. She claimed that whatever the hell that i was to ask was in the precious notes she'd slogged over the nights working her asses off to prepare and just reluctant to even see what i want to show/ask her. The theory wasn't even in the syllabus anymore but those were from past year questions and this little want-to-know-everything drama queen just want to comprehend how the hell to get the answer, just in case. i was even more exasperated but i kept it cool. i wasn't livid but just disappointed with myself even more because i wish that i were a genius, i wish i were Kyle.
Damn.
Did she know how impertinent she was? i used to respect and like her but her actions and attitudes that freaking day were just plain vain and she bears no respects from me. i didn't even care for the belief that the students should get blessing and give thanks to their teachers and all that in order to excel in the examinations or sort. However, here is my list of my gratitude. Thanks to you Madam, i've learnt that i can count on myself to achieve my goals. Thanks to you too, i'd realize that for the past several months, the achievements and success i made were solely of my own efforts. My sleepless nights, my sweats, my burns, my agony, my pain, my hard work and the others. All of them because i'd worked it off sincerely, diligently and whole-heartedly. Of course, thanks to your lessons too, thanks to you that my relationship with Jiening got better and we had a whole lot of topics to chat about in order to keep us awake in your lectures. Thanks to you. Thanks to your notes. Thanks to your advices. Thanks to your brief lecturing. Thanks to you for becoming my Chemistry lecturer for Semester 1. You are a great force for me to strive harder too. Thanks to you for breaking my fragile little heart and eventually i'd learnt. i'd grown up. i understood better. i see thing differently as it widen my horizon.
That's why i cried. Crying out loud.
Mum was Great. She is Love. i don't know what or which word/s is/are suitable to describe her. My love for her, what she means to me. She means too much, so much. i just had to cry for her. Although i'd said this a bizillion times, i'm not tired of repeating it again,"I LOVE YOU MUMMY!" Her words and advices and support and faith in me are still echoing so celestially in my mind till today. "Mummy believes in you. Mummy has faith in you. Mummy knows you can do it. Mummy knows. Mummy loves you and everything and everything." i cried. i put the phone away from my ears just to hide my sadness. i was choking so severely in my futile attempt to suppress my devastation. i didn't want Mimi to hear me sobbing and crying because i didn't want to make her sad too and worried her but i failed miserably. Something ran through my mind and i had to tell her. i must. So there i go. i didn't even know if i ever am able to be a doctor, a successful , a good, a qualified doctor anymore. i was lost.
The next few days, i kept on getting moral supports and faith and strength from my Mother. She caught back my spirit from the Far Far Away Land. She sew my heart back into its decent shape little by little, pieces by pieces. Finally, i was healed. And Pup was catching up. i knew he cared about me too. PUP I LOVE YOU! i knew that i'm you, you're me. We're alike. We love each other. We care. We worried. We love. We just don't know how to express it. Therefore, it's okay. Remember, i'm you. i knew what you are thinking, what you want to say to me, what's inside you. I LOVE YOU. i want you to know that there wasthis one day that i missed you so much. When i miss you, i remember of my childhood with you and brother in it. The history began to framed up in my mind. Yes in black and white. It's like watching classic movie. i love to remember you that way. i don't know why. Then, your jokes, your laughters, your artistic skills, your words, you lessons to me and the others. i remembered it, not all, i wish i could. i'm sorry for feeling this way but i think of all your children, you love me the most. Shit. What was i thinking right? i promised to never give up. i will try my best. i'm sorry for making everyone sad and worry.
For hours, i tried to solve the riddles. Voila! Out of my angst, i found things better. i found my answer and my goddamn annoying curiosity paid off, with a great price. I remembered this so well. (Kw=Ka*Kb) Something to do with salt and acid and base and stuffs. i have forgotten the whole things but i remembered the K things, the equation. Okay. i moved on. I knew the whole damn stupid concept better and i moved on. i had to waste no time. Speaking of time, i wish i could buy more time, especially from my room mate. My dear room mate. i love her but i wish she could work hard to accomplish her dream. Watching her slobbing around wasn't going to bear any good results unless she had superpower or something. Watching her made me livid. Furious. i wished to buy her time. i wished my life was easy, like her. i wished i care less but Thank God i care a LOT, a hell LOT.
Then, i was nothing. i was healed. Although i was lost, i knew that i had to do my best under whatever circumstances because i didn't want to live in grief and regret. i paced myself steadily into my battlefield. i had to do it, either putting my best foot forwards or stood rooted. Of course, i choose the former one.
Then, i think i won. i won. i won because i had strive for my bestest ever and i knew that i would have no regret.
p/s The Kw=Ka*Kb thing was in the exam i think. i tried to do it my way though the outcome could be a big disappointment. Perhaps, it would be given bonus marks or something because it wasn't in the syllabus anymore.
