all i've ever needed

every now and then, at any moment in any random day, i would look at my life and my day and thought to myself that 'this is seriously not getting me anywhere, i am not doing anything productive, i am not doing something that bring any good, i waste so much time, i dont know what to do with my life, yada yada yada'. i know that i never stop whining about it but seriously, i need a space, a person or anything that i can pour this out, nevermind not getting any replies or words of courage because life's like this.

if i keep it inside, i think i am going to be more sad than i already am. 

sometimes, i dont even know who i am. i dont talk to nobody. i can just ignore my family. i can talk to nobody for days, my parents or god parents. when i need them, only then i ring them. i always think i am such a hypocrite . i know that they can provide me with so and so hence i only initiate to call them up for it. well, most of the stuffs i talk about with them are of superficially random boring things. i never ever touch about my studies. because i just hate it that much and i have no knowledge whatsoever in it. and i think everybody thinks that i am so darn awesome but the truth is that i am not. i dont want to talk about anything medicine and i dont want anybody to even mention a thing about it and ask me medical stuffs. cough and pain and tiredness. better get a proper medical consult.

i never talk about the stress life i have too. probably somebody notices but what can they do. i never talk about my feelings. it's clear that they never mention about several mystery and conflicts that was raised here and there that i heard about. and i aint going to ask them about those 'adults thing' too. it's just too much to swallow in with my already fucked up life.

and i despise people that are surrounding me sometimes. what's wrong with the people i met nowadays? y am i stuck with people who can brag nonchalantly about their ability, their success, their superiority? i aint impress at all. sometimes, i just want to shout shut the fuck up already or occasionally land a couple of missiles and attack them with my stories too so that these people learn to be more humble and show respects. the conclusion is that i cant trust nobody. i have trust issue.

the only thing that i want in my life now, i have already screwed it up a decade ago and it really pains me still. i try to make amend but we are all grown up now. things changed. running in the same blood and i seriously think that there are quite a number of things that we share in common. it was so incredible how it struck me that someone actually mirror me.   

keep calm because life's like this.  

Y.O.L.O

october was packed with exams and the long dreadful study week in between. birthday welcomed october but it didnt seem to contain the melancholic atmosphere and the monotonic posts that lie between the lines if i were to blog it the previous month so i reckon i probably just skipped everything all over.

so i went for a holiday in singapore just a couple of weeks ago. everything seemed better on the other side of the country. everything was almost perfect. everything was better. the road. the dustbin, htrees. the falling leaves. it did really baffle you how things are so much different with just a strait away. hah. that's just the 'kampung' me finally get to see the world.

it really just taught me that the world is such a bug space so if you cant fit in one particular field, there are so many more places to explore. it's a small country but it has so mch to offer.

enjoy a couple of mind-exploding roller coaster rides, just for the sake of fun. i just want to feel young, daring. that f8cking few minutes on ar when you are totally insecure and free falling and has no sense of gravitational feel at all. sometimes, it really feels awesome to put your mind and body go thru hell. #youonlyliveonce!

realizng that, i have so much more on my list to do. bungee jump tops the list. i have so many more crazy things to do too. the question is how passionate and committed i am about them. and who are going to be there to share that dream. will i have enough resources and time for them?

Dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI&feature=related

emotionally attached to this song. it best depicts my life! :')
too bad i never really get to speak to God, literally. not sure if He knows, He understands and eventually He brings that pain into everybody ackknowledgement?
if i were to fly from the highest tree, it would be committing suicide.
i still have that dream, i dont mean to change the world but i am sure i could touch people's life in so many other ways. even if people doubt it, i am very sure there are a lot that i can do. i may not be saving life. we are all just trained and programmed to remember this and that and make decision. it has to be someone who are willing to go thru al the turmoils and tribulations. it has to be someone who is willing to do all the gruesome works, all the dirty works. someone who removes tumour, who fix organs, who improve your life.
i still have that dream, just not this. just think it was tad hypocrite when you cant even sympathize with those apparently healthy people, not patients' difficulties. Just see them as a good example of learning person, occasion conversation and ask about their well-being. sure, it's worth to see that smile and thank you but does that all define a noble person?

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest tree. 
I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 

I had a dream

Sincerely me

Dear God,

Again, I pray to You for strength and intellectual. I am praying for my friend, A also hoping that this friend will get thru the obstacles because apparently A deserves a much better life than I do. I pray that You bless the family and may A finds strength and courage in the journey too. A definitely needs more of those than me. Stop taking car of me but A instead. Sincere plea.

It's just one of those "insomnic" nights, again. Just end this chapter of my life already cuz I need a new chapter and new plot. Birthdays coming but i think it would be the most emotional birthday ever.

Freedom

I see people receiving key-necklace from the mum, dad, family or whosoever for their 21st birthday, be it gold, silver or platinum. It symbolizes freedom that their parents recognise, it also indicates maturity and most importantly it symbolise an adulthood that I think parents starting to acknowledge hoping the children will soon take up the responsibility. It has never been a tradition in my family though. Therefore, it kind of baffled me to hear friends after friends joining the 21 club with their valuably sparkling key necklace and ornaments. I never want that for my birthday. I would be more happy to receive loads of cash and to see adddition digits in my bank saving account. I think hard for my desire birthday present. Suddenly, i just find it very irritating to even celebrate birthday because i believe that to date, nobody can ever give me the bestbooth day gift ever. And it has always been the only thing that i ever i wanted. I am more livid to learn that actually I am the one who hinder myself from grasping that taste of heaven.  all I ever want is the freedom of making decision that I would never be judged and evaluated on and become the talk and gossip of the town. I know that it would upset so many people and god only knows I probably trigger sudden death due to cardiac arrest or just due to depression that they share. I want a free life, a free soul, no longer binding to any institution or to station to whatever that I am doing now. I want and need to breathe the air of happiness and carefreeness. U see, these are all very simple thing and they are free  no charges taxes whatsoever but I could never have them.

I have so many things to say but every time it always end with a no. No, I don't have anything to say and bye. The calling time has become shorter with each passing days and I found that I am no longer interested to share my stories and my what about or whereabouts because it just disgusted me. I have developed into becoming an introvert and bitter person. A very depressed and psychotic one. I don't even want to look them thru the virtual media. It just pain me and irritated me a little because I am making myself thinking hat they are the reason why am I suffering right now. It just agonised me because I want them to rescue me from these living hell but deep down, even though I occasionally voice up my problems, they bound to be indifference.

I am the most loneliest person in this world. 
you know youre loved by a lot of people and u have great parents but still feel lonely inside because nobody can ever give u what u need most. :'(

independence no more

On the verge of celebrating the 55th independent day.

At The end of second week of my OnG posting. 

I just notice that I've only managed to blog once this month, and this would be the last for this month. So many things have happened within four weeks' time and so many new thoughts and ideas have propagated from my daily observation and endurance. 

Well, I am going to only revise through the important historical event; the very first live birth witnessed with my naked eyes. It was miraculous! Well, could not really articulate how it was because no adjective fit. I am forever grateful and thankful and I definitely love and respect my mum more than ever. I salute all the mothers out there who have the courage to undergo that unfathomable labor pain and whatsoever else they were experiencing to give a new life. 

Secondly, I might die young and I might develop stress complications as well as other stress related medical problems from my hectic and stressful lifestyle. I am forever exhausted from the daily chores. I am a little remorse. I am very stressful. 

Thirdly, i burden myself with my frustration over the coming independent day celebration. When I first heard the slogan and logo, I was totally flabbergasted and was left agape later let out a sinister and sarcastic smile! Whenever people mention about it, what more with the theme songs and preposterous lyrics it has, I have to admit that this country, the government of this Country has gone real wrong and terrible. Can u not relate political stuffs and the significant of independent in order to propagandize your political appraisal for the imminent election in the coming month? Killing two birds with one stone? But how could a whole cabinet and ur so called intelligent and competent army not critised the selection of that slogan or is it your own idea? When People look back in ten years time, this is going to be a real laughing stock. For example, when u attend a history class or other civic classes and have to discuss bout it, and they just have to skip pver 2012 because u say not to bring political issue into school and university campus? Wtf?! How r u going to define *fulfilled promise* (literally translate) as all that r congested in my mind r political propaganda! all those years I was critisising over the mundane theme and slogan which never bring any excitement and creativity but to only circulate about integration And unity and progression of country stuffs. So they have finally decided to come out with something different this year which is really 'unique' and astoudingly rdiculous and I am now pretty disappointed with myself over my criticism for the last few years because they have obviously did a better job and that is what and how it is supposed to be. Words that articulate and justify as well as integrate the significant of independent in the young and old generations with our own interpretations but still everyone comes out with the same conclusion at the end of the day. Unity, peace with development progression. I love my independent now that I am free to write my thought here, free to sit on this chair and free to have a good night sleep later. 

hall of fame

i love watching talented people whether it's on screen, for reality shows or in any competitions.

just spent my last day before the mid semester break watching Step Up Revolution and dancing never fails to amazed me. i remembered having tears in my eyes again. i normally only get emotional watching movie and tv series alone. and i found that i enjoy doing most of that alone.

i love watching dancing even though i wasnt genetically programmed to dance! i love singing knowing that i cant sing, beautifully, having the voice that stiffen up one's soul or leaving an audience astounded  and earn a standing ovation. these flaws however never stop me from watching any dance shows or singing competition because a big part of me somehow wish that i could someday brace myself and walk up an international stage, fulfill my dream to touch everyone's heart with my talent. i want to hear Simon's precious compliment and his priceless mesmerized face. sadly, i wasnt born with these artistic talents!

i know that some work very hard for it. they go for dancing and singing classes. or some drawing class. however, i personally think that something is meant to be born with talent. they need not learn the skills but rather born naturally with it. it's a gift! therefore, i never even bother to attend these classes partly because i am not very serious about it or very determined. maybe, someday, something strike me and ring a bell inside that i am inspired to do something different. just maybe.

i love watching sports too and Olympics is the hot topic at the moment. there are so many things to learn from it. i never know a thing about any kind of sports or how the games are played. i never know the rules and regulations or the scoring check board for it. however, i can only conclude that every athletes are there for one purpose; they are putting their best foot forwards to do what they do best and are highly motivated to change their life. they do it for themselves, the pride and success and also for the country. not forget to mention to spot cute hawt hunks on screen!

these people taught me a lot of things. they are really good in what they are doing. and it seems like they are going to do it for a long time. they are successful and the pride of their respective country. i am constantly inspired by these people.