im so pissed at so many things since i am home. first, how do people expect me to know so much bout medicine? i am just a pathetic wannabe who fails subjects n barely even passed the exam with a cert that've been the one and only solid and tangible thing that assures me to just hold on for a few more months n getting me thru all the moments of uncertainty. what pissed me more is that to see how stubborn people can be to just suffer thru the pain without even try to seek for advice from a more qualified people / those with DR in front of their names. how fool can u be? and now asking me questions and diagnosis and taking advice from people from the same presentations. hello? you might have the same presentation but not the same diagnosis okay? say, if its the goddamn osteoarthritis, sure, u can take glucosamine or whatsoever meds that u think is suitable but can u please go and have a visit at the clinic? gah i can always drive u know if you're lazy or something. and i am upset that people just dont want to talk about it and at the end i am the one who get 'scolded'. and i am more upset that i dont even know how to care, how to ask, how to talk anymore. though i understand that for someone at your age, people tend to get scared and stubborn for their feared of the possible unpleasant medical reports or diagnose of the dreaded C word, just to name a few. but, what if it's just osteoarthritis. they can always prescribed you with things and give you advice better than u sit there and occasionally start the conversation with me on diet and meds.
i am seriously pissed off when people start to ask me about medicine thing because honestly, i dont know a thing. just stop calling me with dr. i am not a doctor. puh-lez. stop torturing me. why did everyone has to know about it and everyone has to ask about it? i might show my friendly fake smile and giggle about it but deep down inside, i was struggling hard. deep down inside, i am upset. deep down inside, i am livid. deep down inside, i feel inferior. deep down inside, i am tormented. and those are the things that people dont see from the outside. those are my secrets.
to put two and two together, i thing the main focus that culminated in my occasion bad temper and mood swing is that i realised i am alone and has always been alone all these while. nobody has ever brilliantly decipher my words into what i really mean. heh. because i never ever really tell things straight and direct. well, maybe i did, before. but, what do i expect right? a whole village of people and a whole pack of family and the aunts and uncles and cousins that i barely even know the names and faces. its that much to take in. it's too much. and my words get ignored.
we went for family dinner with family's friends. true. we can feel that tad of jealousy of the children's success, the 5 digits salary and the fancy post and occupations. well. please dont. everyone is born differently. everyone is born with different purpose of life. some were born rich, some may not. but to me, rich is very subjective. to me, the politicians in my land perfectly define rich. they have too much money that they embarks me on wondering about economy and money flow thingy. i start to questions myself things that i never wonder before. wondering where the hell are those money from. The bank? then, who make them? who the hell make Ringgit Malaysia? the governor? why some people never get rich but some get richer by just split seconds. so many whys. so many new knowledge and those are really beyond my intellectual.
so my monthly and yearly ignorance and indifferent attitude has brought me to a point where i can easily shed my tears if i just stay alone in some random place and think about my current condition. it was an eerie feeling of lonesomeness, the kind that leave you excrutiating in agony knowing how people love you but dont understand your needs but purely love by the sake of relationships. love because it seems like a logic thing to say and do. but, never really know how this girl here is really fighting for her life till suicidal attempts and tears jerking moment and self-reclusive have been the complications from the deadly lonesomeness. it was a different kind of lonesomeness. not the kind that you enjoy watching movie alone, singing alone, reading alone, locking yourself in the room alone.
sometimes, i wish i can be dead with my too much of thoughts, with my depression, with my too many questions and with my unsatisfactory towards life. but, sigh. am i a quitter? do i really want to leave my family now? am i that ungrateful? the devil side of me always ask back : y even bring me to life? y am i, this me, this me who is typing now exist? what the hell makes me think of so many negative things? what has made me to become who i am today : a girl full with grudge and hatred toward herself ?
