Where's my CPT? And my booster works!

So, last night, i was waiting, patiently for my MUET results. No rush because i have HOUSE. Whee. My booster does work though it did burn a hole in my pocket that i remembered i had to scramble throughout the mall the day before yesterday looking for an ATM machine and i just figured that i could use the BSN card if that machine had a MEPS and BANKCARD logo on it, i just knew that i don't have to exactly looking for BANK SIMPANAN NASIONAL ATM machine instead any other as long as the logos are there. Great. i was stupid then.

i felt zestful. Taking every episode slow, means enjoying, it's like eating, taking every bite slow, enjoying (and at the end of the meal always get mocked).... digesting, wishing i could fast forward a couple of years so that i could get all the medical jargons right. yeah, as if it is so guaranteed that i will get into a med school.

Then, today afternoon, Mum was offering a treat for my favourite dessert ever, Cendol Pulut Tapai (CPT). i acknowledged it was for my satisfactory MUET result and off we went, only to get disappointed that the stall was closed for service and did make me sighed a long sigh. The Pak Cik always disappointed me. Whenever i was coming back for a break, i never missed a chance to pay a visit and indulge in that superb delicious mouth-watering freezy chilly tasty CPT. Okay, If he was like has physical problems, that's totally understandable but i'm upset that nobody's going to able to satisfy my craving except his CPT with his uniquely secret recipe. i could have do three bowls today because it was a one finely typical day in tropical Malaysia. One costed like around RM1-2 and he could have set the price at 4 or 5 and i don't mind because of the quality. i bet that all the Kota Bharu-ians are familiar with the location, which is a modestly ramshackle hawker stall besides Golden Leaf Restaurant at Jalan 'something' which has a Malay Restaurant serving Nasi Kukus across the street. But hey, don't look down on its inferior appearance, they serve world bestest dessert ever! So, again, i was let down today but it is totally pardonable because good things do not come easily. Still, i am craving for it so badly!

i better start off with my Mathematics since i'm so in the study mood. Whee. House's next!

A Day at The Mall

It was great to be home. When i unpacked, partially, i jumped to bed exuberantly, evilly grinning. It was so awesome, diving in, so comfy, so cozy and i fall asleep within milliseconds without having more time to enjoy the unexplainable comfort my world-bestest-matress gave about.

Then, it was around noon. i woke up feeling energetic, lively, ready to start my day though it did feel like i could sleep forever but hey that's about to come soon; i'm dying. i had so much things to do. i had to meet my long lost friends. i had to buy things. i had to enjoy life.

it was so bizarre how we didn't seem awkward and doubtful to talk and there was like so much things to talk about and we could have do it whole day because it had been past freaking one year, 12 months, 365 days we haven't meet each other, except for Leewen and Weichen.

Oh. Leewen just got taller. I can't believe how incredibly tall she was, i mean she was tall, right i know, always the tallest but damn, she had gone taller after months. i hate it when i had to ook up to talk to her 'cuz it really hurt my neck. And her slender legs, i envy that. And there was Weichen. Many thanks to Weichen that Leewen was there and Xinjie too. She was a great driver. i wish that i could drive freely and bravely and confidently like her in the next future, yeah soon because i'm dying. Next, Xinjie. Uhmm...he had done a lot of flirting with my sister. And yeah, i haven't seen him for like a year. He was still the same.. i heard that he studied hard. i hope that his hard work pay. Next, Chungling was there too. i was the least closest to Chungling of them all but still, we had things to talk about too. Friendship is amazing. i wish that she will success in whatever that she was about to venture in her future. Then, Yunlin was there. Yunlin has gone cuter over the year. She had done rebonding and she was really cute. It was so light, so wavy, so a comfortable sight to look at. And yeah, we talked a lot too. Eh, how much is a lot? i had so much more to ask her, to know about her because i haven't heard from her like in a year. i wish that the next meeting is coming soon. She was indeed a beauty with a brain, smart brain. Lastly, we had Nuraini, my monitor. She will always be a great monitor in my heart. Nuraini is still fluent in Mandarin and yeah, we talked the least because she went to have lunch with Weinie and then guess we have nothing to talk about besides the basic stuffs.

Oh. then, i saw Wanchee. She was my ex classmate and yeah she still recognized me, i guess. i was dragging my sister and then i stumbled into her. She was looking at my way and i was looking at her, astounded. You know, the feeling when you see someone you know and familiar and not expected on the middle of the day. Then, she smiled, sort of an acknowledgement of a greeting. i smiled too while mounthing a hello.

i had Double Fortune Chicken Burger at A&W for lunch and damn, root beer was so darn nice. i had been missing the taste of t after so many freaking years. when i was young, my brother and i used to frequent A&W a lot and i remembered well that my brother likes 'Float' so much. ROOT BEER is so darn nice! Then, i bought House Season 5, to keep me company this break, get new contact, damn my eyesight worsen because of the damn stupid lecture of some ignorant people. Light was switched off, as if the college is too poor to pay up for the bill. Light was switched off, as if the world is not going to end with them saving electricity to save the Mother Nature. Light was switched off, because some morons were like dazzle and what about all the spec-kies? What about the perfect eyesighters? Did you just ignore our existence and our priority? Get spectacles or something so that everyone is benefited from it instead of driving us into darkness which served as a good place for cultivating sleepy mood. Great. There's nothing i can do about it, although i can voice out my adversity but would anyone really take note of it?So, i'm better off suffer in silence.

Whee...i'm done!

Well, i have done with my Second Mid-Semester Test!

I'm free and i have so much things to do now. Have a long to-do list and i can't wait to go back home, like always.

Yesterday, it was my maiden attempt to go to watch tv in the so-called tv room. 8tv was broadcasting Gossip Girl Season 2 Episode-something. i was like so excited and all because i'm so jaded of the books and notes and books and more exercises. i have been looking at the same freaking thing over and over again and i figured that well, it was high time to indulge in my own merriment.

i was swooning, like always, when i saw Chuck. He did melt my heart. XD

i like Chuck so much because he's the best man around. Whee.

Then, half-way, there was this someone, tuned offf my Chuck. i was like startled and hey, whatever, i left the room and gone to my room.

Like i have confessed before, i hate sharing. i hate public. i hate when i can't do what i want to do and i want my privacy. So, going back, i'm going to enjoy GG season 3, perhaps having all season together and watch it all over again and doing it....in private.

Harpie 2010!

Happy New Year!

First thing first, Thank God that i live through 2009 and make it to 5th January 2010. Thank God that i am here. Thank God that my loved ones are here. Thank God that i'm about to go home!

***

i have a blast weekend shopping. i feel like i can do better. Can i do it all over again?

Going for shopping makes me mercenary. i feel like having all the money the world has to offer, to be really rich, inherit a fortune from Donald Trump or something.

My brother, the one i know and don't really know at the same time, still giving me the same feeling everytime he is within a visible radius; guilty, angst, every possible feeling, mingle.

Pup and Mum actually noticed our subtle hostile like long way back. Well, nothing change much i guess after all the hecking years. It wasn't as if they have a clue on how to alter things because i myself don't even get a damn of how to improve.

He would remain as an unknown to me, so close yet so far. Never was a day passed by without me wondering about myself travel back in time to change things, to take back my words, or maybe to offer an apology. How would things have turned out and how different i would be if it didn't happen the way it is?

He would top my list on the regular things i have in mind. I remembered i was so fearful just the presence of him as he seemed so cool about everything with his somber expression and that i hardly catch a smile. And yet, he is beautiful. Charming. Smile that could melt a glazier. i wish that maybe someday, i could be the one who makes him smile, happy, most of all, i want to be us again.

Yeah, he would remain as an unknown, it feels as if it's etheral yet i still love him so.

22nd December

Ho ho ho... Happy Christmas and Merry New Year. Just finish watching Orphan with college-best-buddies and it's totally remarkable. It's so great to get another three days weekend that i wish Pup and Mum could come again, to go somewhere else, a place where i can hang out with them and escape from the school, of all the works, the studies that constantly keep me busy, because when i am at it, i couldn't really stop decently. So, i wish for a detour, so much.

i have already made up a few zestful New Year's wish-list.

First and foremost, i wish that everyone i know and love so much would life healthily and happily everyday because that are among the main things to have to live life. i wish that i don't have to deal with any lost. Next, i wish that i would get a satisfying, medical checkup results; currently diagnosed with hypertension. Oh well, i am totally cool about it. It wasn't as if it was completely accurate but there's quite a big possibility too. i am still figuring out to whether i should watch out my diet properly or not because growing up, still am, people just keep on telling me to eat as i like because i am still young and stuffs, there's like nil things to worry about and seriously, i wasn't really having a big deal about my body, my health. i feel fine, just pray to God that i don't get into sick like fever, fatigue, migraine or things alike that could hinder me from doing my regular works (never-ending homeworks.Gee, i swear that all those just coming out of nowhere no matter how much time i have spend on it, finishing it.Just keep on pouring out and i hardly able to catch my breath.) Then, it hit me like if i have to take good care of myself. This is the real thing about “live like you're dying” motto. i figured that i have so much things to discover, to explore, to experience, to love, to give thanks and i only fear of time. Fear of not having enough time to accomplish those major things before it's time. Then, i don't want to worry my parents too. i wish that Pup doesn't blame himself or feel guilty or anything, and need not to worry because he has give me life and even if this is inherited from him, i don't give a damn. i am always proud to be your daughter, to belong with you, to have a life with you.

The list is followed by having a solid answer to what i have been praying for, to be who i am supposed to be, who He regard that i should be, who He have granted me to be. i need to mingle with more knowledgable, wise and omnipotent people who could continuosly inspired me. For example, my new Biology Tutor teacher, which hold a PHD and speak super fluent English. He just shared so many things with us that i found none of those hinder me from achieving what i have been targetting but i feel so hopeful, so inspired, so energetic, so divine. Today, he was asking among some of the class members of how he/she would react if they are to become a doctor and having a patient asking their opinion of what they would do to a pregnant woman of a 3 months offspring diagnosed with Down Syndrome. First thing came into my mind was that Go with it. There has to be a reason that God made it the way it was. He knew that she would be a wonderful mother and the child would be like the happiest and lucky child ever under her lavish of love and protection. There couldn't be anything more beautiful than that. So, why are you hestating? It's a life and you have to be fair, give life to it because it's a wonderful world. Then, i thought of my cousin. i salute Aunt and Uncle as they have been the greatest parent ever after all those hardships and that She is destined for you two because God know that nobosy else is going to be as excellent and lovely and superb as you two in helping Him to take care of his beautiful creation. Thank you and God will bless you always.

p/s actually i knew that i wish for so much more things but let do it one step at a time.

25th December

Yesterday, went shopping withfriends. More of a window shopping and i just bought myself a new purse that i love so much. Absurd. i thought that i would eventually buy some clothes because i sort of sick and tired of the same old things. i guess that there have been something bugging me. i wish i was in KL. i wish that i was shopping with Mum. i wish that i am with my family. Nonetheless, with friends, that would be okay too but i prefer to wander alone.

Meeting up with Lamghai too at Ipoh Parade. Well. He hasn't change much except that he's gone taller and thinner. My faintest memmory of him would be that he's super good in Additional Mathematic. The guy scored hundred for a subject that i nearly failed. Whee. Sort of respect and adore him back in high school. wish him all the best too in his future.

26th December

i miss home like crazy!!! Just rang Mimi and told her what i have been craving for ; seafood !

i have issues with my fellow roomates. it always happen to me when i'm like so like that particular people, started to feel attach to them,her or him or whatever, it will turns out that i started to feel the opposite no longer after that. Maybe because i have too much expectation from people, like wanting people to agree with me, to go with my flow, to be someone who i expect them to be but everything's not happening according to my plan. So i'm pissed. Damn. At time like this, i miss home more!!!

i figured out, i mean i always knew that i'm not so good with people. i hope i could find more people, expecially those newly made friends that won't make me fidgetting around whenever i'm within their visible radius. i want to feel comfortable around people, don't have to pretend, just being myself. it isn't easy to find someone who we can talk, laugh, cry and do so much more things together without having to think of what impression we would have left on them, being natural, being decent, being impudent being eveything and totally feel secure and comfortable still after so much of ups and downs, after some inevitable embarassments, after confessing, after sharing. The list goes on. My point is that, i could like just talk about anything, everything, furious at him or her but still love her no matter what and cry together, mock each other, still, love like crazy. it has to be original, it has to be natural, it has to be genuine, it has to be real. Do wish that i could find one.

28th December

Hah. Today's the 30th of December 2009. i almost forgot that it was the last two days in the year 2009 and 2010 is following. What have i done with my 2009 and what's my new year's resolutions? i already have a long wish lists and resolutions are like more solemn, serious thing to ponder about.

#1 Read 50 books. for the record in 2009, i read only 32. i knew that i could do it better. Time's runnning fast. i feel like i might die anytime in 2010. Trying so hard to ignore the fact that i was misdiagnosed but i still feel slightly okay and cool about it. i wasn't really believe it and even if i go for blood check and body check up and the result turns worst, i think i am ready, partially. The hardest part would be to leave the people i loved around. i want to know what would happen in the afterlife? is there another life? Am i to transform into another “organism” in which i can view the life like a guardian angel and watch over the people i love before they too, join me? Am i to be reincarnated? How was it like, to be dead? Where is my mind? My soul? Where am i then?

#2 Be a better person. As in, don't always label people with “This one i hate”, “This one i dislike”. Learn to compliment. Help more people in need without hoping for any returns. Help like i want to, not i have to. Be more cmpassionate. Love more. Care more. the world is beautifull. Shit. i really feel like dying. Next, be more filial. i know that i already am but i can do more for my parents.

The list goes on.

It's the third day of new year. Thank God that i'm still breathing. Thank God that i'm still alive. Thank God that my blood vessels didn't burst out and screwed everything up in my body's system and lead to the D word.

i miss home like crazy. i have done studying. i still have time, i still have energy, i just lack of enthusiasm. it's not as if i've known every single things in the books, but i'm fairly ready for the test because i just want to get the heck out of here. Two weeks break are following and i can't wait. i guess that i have't get used to the life here, anywhere yet besides home. Damn. i don't like living with people, i barely know and trust and they kind of disgust me. i know i am bad for making such confession but whatever. Speaking my mind. i need more time for myself, i need privacy. i need to sing out loud, i want to watch movies on my own, i want to do a lot more things without any frantic eyes watching and questioning. i need my own space and i don't want sharing.

Okay. Miss home like crazy. So much things to do before i bid farewell to this wonderful world that i only regret for not given enough time to treasure its beauty.

Monday Blue

i finally saw a silver lining behind the soaky dampen ferocious cloud after a few attempts of ignoring its vitality or rather its impact to me. it was delighting, to know, to have a slight of relief to know that i finally wouldn't be burden by all of those, at least for now. Damn public again.

This time, all credits go to male, boys. i was making a call again for an inquiry about my application for USM. The men behind the phone, with the most soothing voice ever, the manly convincing solid tone, made me fluttering. i guess they're the best operators around that they immediately get the heck of what i was enquiring, again with my limited Malay. They happened to make my day and i am really grateful and thankful and may all the goodness fall upon you guys because you guys just happen to help the most impudent child on earth ever and God bless you that beyond her impudence, there are still people like you guys that're willing to lend me the ears and a helping hand. It pleases God, by sacrifying yourselves. (A statement that i found meaningful in Language Lab a couple of weeks ago.) So, no offence to female, though i am one of them because i was just being frank, spoken to a few females before but they're sort of disappoiting, sort of blur, sort of make me stomach wrenching and i was just speechless that i lost of words, lost in thoughts that i wasn't even confidence enough to make any more calls as i'm so scared by being let down again. Thank God, it was bo-ooo-oy that picks up the phone this time and by just one ring, my problem is settled.

i couldn't wait for my parents' visit this weekend. they are bringing me for a holiday and go shopping and stuffs and most importantly, escape from this damn school. So not going to care about study anymore, going to put a halt and when i come back, i will strive again and continue and start everything all over again. Whee. this is exciting.

Today, i was doing the experimanet for blood test. i wasn't even ready, wasn't prepared at all ( Edward would have skipped classes at time like this). The picturing of the thin sharp lancet pierce through my middle finger was unbearable. Scared the hell out of me. i was struggling and people were like clustering around me, encouraging, watching timid me and i didn't even have space and time to feel embarassed over my cowardice because i was busy conquering my fear. I am confessing how selfish i was when i refused to brace myself for blood donation, twice. i am proud to say that i wasn't even embarassed to let people know how selfish i am because i really don't want to do it, for selfish sake, i am scared of the pain. Although those who'd gone through it was like flutering around of how unpainful it was, i didn't buy a word for that. So, i am selfish. Say, put this in reverse like if i was so in need of blood, say i have encountered an accident or something, i wouldn't surprise to know that i wouldn't even survive as nobody's donating their blood for me. Karma eh? Even tough i was ocked by friends of how self-conscious i was and how timid i was and how scummy i was, i don't really give a damn because i am scared that i get hurt. Back to the blood test, i did it at the end with the help of a few friends and there was this classmate who was like so professional that did it like magic. i didn't feel a pain at all and i was like so joyful. She was destined to be a nurse or doctor or something because she got great skills. Nonetheless, as curious as i was to know what is my blood group, my result was a failure because all the blood sample got stained and dissolve in water and every sample for testing with antiserum A, B got mingled together so i was left as an unknown.

Proceed. i would like to thank my dear Father for helping me to compose the following poem for a competition. This is so cheating but i don't really care. i am such a troublesome that so many parties were involved in delivering me the folllowing poem but the end result was that, the poem was really GOOD. Not that i want to show-off how great my dad is but i really think it was a superb piece of poem. So, i cheat. i hope i win anyway.

Written : December 14th

So, my parents came for visit and i had a whale of time shopping. Now that they're gone, i had to come back to reality and i don't even know how to start. What was i doing today? Completely lost, mind drifted into the far far away land.

i'd just completed my application into Public University and it wasn't an easy task at all. Filing in the particulars and stuffs made me trembled. It felt as if i was keying in my 100 millions dollars answer for something vague that i left it to God to decided what's my destiny.

Going back in a few minutes to study, yeah, study.... i just bought Sparks' The Rescue.

Written : December 21st

Where does all the missing things gone?

to a place called here. here, now, forever, yet to be found, lost in time; any of the possibilities.

i am so going to dig deep to captivate among the memorable events that have happened since...the end of november.

I have been spending nights after nights waiting for her return yet to no avail. sometimes, it feels as if she was still around, watching me, watching us. i knew that she is not coming back anymore. the day we parted, i shed my tears. i cherish our friendship, so much, too much. i like her the most because of her sincerity and kindness and i know that i am someone special to her too. She taught me of so many things, her religion, her belief, her stories and it makes me comprehend and enjoy life from a broader perspective. Then, as soon as i know all of those are not happening anymore, it was as if i will stop learning, growing, gather knowledge and i will become ignorant and illiterate. i do want to feel lifeless, envelop behind these four walls. That's when i burst into tears, that's when i know that i love her. i want her back because my life is sort of empty and meaningless withour her sharing a room of 4 walls with me. i never realise how important she was to me, until, she hugged me goodbye, and salam and exchange the very last sight of us together in front of room 29 and i closed the damn door, she went on her way and i never see her again. Oh, Aida, how i miss you so.

i have been selfish enough to pay hostile towards Ros and Gi-Ah. i was sort of livid, i guess. i feel like life is so unfair. i even doubt God, faith. Why did He arrange such a tough path for her? In my opinion, it is so unfair, so loathesome. She deserves better, the best. What the hell is wrong then? Did He have a better plan for her, Did He too have faith that she's the strongest of all to endure among the toughest plan He has for the followers? i doubt. Why now? Why such? Why her? Why not her? Oh God, please. i pray that You really know what you are doing and promise me to give her the best, the best that she deserves because she is the role model, the one, the decent one, the nicest one and the everything.

And till now, i am still improving. i have to be good. i have to be normal, again. They do notice of my sudden hostility, i guess. i do not beg for any forgiveness because frankly, i do it on purpose. It proved that i need Aida because only then, i will behave because she deserves the best from me. Without her, i lost my reflection. i am someone callous.

Complications.

I am so finally going to apply for university. Public University. This might sounds arrogant; i hate almost everything public, here. Take for example, if this is Japan, in the case of public transport, there would not be such a thought of how repulsive i am of anything “public” due to the inefficiency of the you-know-who. And guess what, i finally understand the views and whining i have been getting from the elders/parents/whoever before of how exasperated and disgusted it would turn out to “work” with those people who make up majority of the you-know-who. They make me, speechless, furious beyond word, drive me into tension and it was just so terrible. That is when i learn that sometimes, it is the best resort to work eveything on your own even if it means group work. How could they pay oblivion? How could they take it easy? How could they not complete their task? From them too, hah, i have eventually become a better leader. Thank you so very much. Even if they take credits from my efforts, i am doing just fine because He know better and i am happy.

Speaking of public, where oh where in the part of the world offer the most advance public education? US, UK, Japan, Singapore? Nothing private, public. Damn public. It is because it is here, here, that i despised being labelled (soon to be) by the whoever of being "inferior" graduating from a public university due to its poor academic performance, teaching, generation of professionals and the list goes on. Well, i guess i just have to accept it. No matter what the outcomes would be, nothing could be changed. What can i do? What can i contribute?

Complications.

I kind of screwed up my application into USM. i am still waiting, patiently, for Mum's call, for a reply, for a mail, for everything. i almost burst into tears in the morning just now because again, the school, let me down. How absurd it was for them to tell me that i am not allowed to make any calls to anyone/ destinations using the school's phone line? They always come out with idealism that i seemed like dumb enough to comprehend. The last few days, i was in Students Public Affair department to ask for permission to leave for the next weekend / "escape" from the school but they ask me the most profound question ever? What do you want to go home? i was like, what? What kind of question is that? Why can't i leave whenever i want? I wasn't even involve in any college activities next weekend. i want to leave to spend some qualities time with family. Do i even have to ask for your permission for that?

Then, i know that i am an adult already and i should be able to manage everything. i need to fix everything. i need to fix the problems. Shit. Making calls to USM and the operators/person in charge/ or whatever the post is on the line was having problems understanding my predicaments. Shit. My Malay speaking skill sucks like hell. i know. Then, she sort of asked for another one for "assistance". i conversed in English. Damn. She didn't seem to understand better. This time, it seemed as if they do not even know that there was such a things call the Online Application for Entrance into USM for postgraduate studies, from Matriculation, the line was open like 2 days ago. Okay. What the hell is wrong with people today? Speaking of public. Speaking of the advance of internet. Speaking of the you-know-who.

i was upset, pissed, down, furious, guilty. Wondering whether it's my own fault for some obscure errors that i had made in the morning of signing up the damn account. Maybe , God do not want me to continue my study there or i am not destined to be there. Maybe, it is karma.

Just finish consulting another "person in charge" with my limited Malay. She seemed more likely to know what the hell is happening around,, what is revolving me. Shit. It hit me that i wouldn't even get the offer even when my problem is solved and i get to sign up and everything because i am not meant to be.

Complication

i haven't been updating my blog for ages. great. i am quite a very busy person.

it seems that i survived 25th of November 2009 which previously was presumed to be my Doomsday. i took the quiz on Facebook the other on How would i die in 2012? and surprising/stupidly i survived too. Haha.

I should begin today's post with something huge and unforgettable that had happened in the morning during Chemistry Practical period. Huiwoon, accidently, broke the, thermometer, and, the mercury, the toxic, harmful, hazardous mercury, spilled out, scattered on the table and left us agape, startled, worried. i kept on asking her not to worry much because the lecturer seem calm. Kudos to her. The lab assistant put sulphur on the mercury to avoid further exposure of us and the rest of the classmates (which bound to be apathetic) to it and i think everything is okay. i guess that it wasn't as serious as we thought it was, from our accumulation of previous knowledge of how risky it is to be exposed to mercury because the lecturer and lab assistant seemed so cool about it. We vowed to be extremely careful and meticulous the next time and learnt from our mistakes. i hope that i am still as healthy as before.

Then, the next period, i was having Mathematics quiz. i screwed it up. it hit me like last second that i made a super huge error that there's no turning point anymore because i was so short of time. And now, i am agonizing over it. Trying to stay positive, focus and sensible by encouraging self. it will always remind me of being extra careful the next time. i should be happy to make that mistake so that i remember.