you dont miss

i really dont know where do i start. my mind is a mess now because i have too much time to spend and i dont know how to use them wisely. please dont ask me to go and do my study and revision for exam because that is the wisest thing to do at such critical point of my life. i am taking professional exams the very next year.

i am still a very lost soul.

all i know now since i have the time in the world is i would love to improvise myself. having said that means i needa get my revision starts now basically because i know that i dont know a lot. i want to fill up my time doing things that i love and can actually learn and grow from making a better person. i just want to be a better me.

i have this saying that lingers in my mind too long i couldnt get rid of it. "if you dont know, you dont miss". quoted by the smart, eloquent Turkish tourguide that i met during my last visit to Turkey. he was explaining about the new generations that grows in par with the advancement of technology and cybernet that this generation demands and yearns for  a change in their lives. you see, turkey is a really beautiful country and it has long history because of its strategically located geography. within Turkey itself is divided into the europe and asian part. and there's central anatolia, the part with a more conservative Turkish. so the young generations, they kind of dont want to live in such environment anymore because the see a lot of what the outside world could serve and provide for them. a transition and reformation, idk. the main point is, when you know more, when you see more of the outside world, you want more. 

and I KNOW AND I WANT.

you can be anything but not ungrateful. i am a total sucker for such inspiring quote like this and stay true to it if possible.

i am grateful but i know that i want more. there's a lot that i want with my life and there's a lot that i wish for a change but i know that at the end of the day, life goes on. i just have to move on adn go with the flow. so im just going to do whatever i can now to finish what i start and along the way i hoope that i can pick up new skill and passion and interest. :)

 

 

long journey

my last post was in July 2013.

for the past 6 months, i dont even know where to begin to start. August, September. cant remember much of what are the significant events that took place there but October, ive had my 22nd birthday albeit it was just another ordinary day for me no hoo-haa celebration and fancy cakes or anything just the way i like it. i really dont like people celebrating birthday for me because it feels like i need to do something in return to repay, in a way. i rather not receive gifts or any form of appreciation or kindness so that i dont have to repay. know what i mean? but i think my family and i went for simple dinner because i had one weeks break. so yes birthday. not sure why but as i grow, i really dont like the idea of celebrating birthday at all.

and then came December. i went for a Student Exchange Program comes Holidays in Japan for two weeks. i cant express how thankful and blessed i am to be given that opportunity because there are quite a number of more eligible people who applied and went thru interviews and i, me a mediocre gets it. i must have infuriate the A-list students. deep down my heart i know that they deserve it more than me. nonetheless, i spent my waking hours feeling thankful and thank God for making it possible for me. besides, it also serves as a way i make peace with my past. it makes me believe that i am not just about the unluckiest person on earth, that i am also capable of something, that i am not unworthy. overall the experiences in Japan makes me want to do more with my life and i know that i want something different in my life but i cant figure it out yet.

then i guess i spent my january reminiscing the great moments i have in japan. i spent my new year thinking about how i detest doing what i am doing and very well know that i dont want to spend the rest of my life as a medical slave. i know that doctor is a noble profession. but it's just not my thing. i want to spend the rest of my life waking up doing something i am passionate about that i cant wait for the sun to rise to get up and do my thing. things that i do best and i want to do. being in japan makes me feel that this world does open a lot of opportunities to people who have desires, who have passion, who wants success. the job opportunities are everywhere. i mean it really awe-struck me that most of the medical students have part time job and they are actually encouraged by their lecturers to venture into the real-working-social-networking world.

there are still a lot i can say about the japan-visit. i taught me a lot and it changed me. i admit that ive changed quite a lot. i think i am more brave and more motivated in some ways to express myself and i am no longer hidden under the depressing insecure mask that ive been carrying with me since ages. ive gained the confidences i need and i want to become a better person and i thrist for success. it often irritates me to get comment from friends saying ive changed. i dont know why but it feels like the way they say it was a bad thing.a disease. truth is, i think the changes i make or the changes that they notice in me are the way i want to improvise myself.

i want to make as many friends possible. i want knowledge. i want to feed my curiosity. i want to do a lot of things. i want funny. i want passion. i want to be ambitious. i am ambitious. i want to find my thing. and i am still on this long journey there so i really wish myself success. i just want to make peace with myself and God and life.

because i know that although i am contented with my life now, i want it different.