#50shadesoffuckedup

found this in Draft so...

i have finally finished reading Fifty Shades trilogy, with a heavy heart.

it's like when someone asks you to not think about an Elephant, what do u do? hah. of course u think about an Elephant. provided u have seen one before(Inception). so, when i first read about the various responses and critics towards E.L. James latest success, and the movie adaptation is taking shape soon, i knew that i have to get myself in the fuss. and what a great satisfaction and gratitude it s. i totally get it now. i cant even put it down, very page turning and even after i put it down, taking the very necessary breaks, it still lingers in my mind. and fcuk. even after days, i still think about it, a hell lot.

nonetheless, for myself, it isn't about the astoundingly erotic love making visuals and writing that keeps my head busy. i just really appreciate how the love story was written and the emotional values it brings about and yes okay maybe a little bit of the sexual thingy. but really, it redefines what i "probably" seek for if i am blessed with meeting one true love. i mean, if Love is that happy, carefree, emotional, caring and all the other good things it bring out in two persons, i totally want to fall in love. truth is, where the hell does Love going to strike upon me?     

of course, Christian Grey is just a fantasy; A perfect man, beautiful, handsome, wealthy, intelligent, protective and all those values and qualities that seem to only exist in fiction. fiction that blinded us avid reader. but there's nothing wrong with hoping and dreaming right?

some think that the stories is sick, very uncivilized, shames and the list goes on. well, there's going to be a part of people who love it while there are a portion who don't. it's like Justin Bieber, he has a huge amount of fans but he also has a shit lot more people who hate him. same goes to the World Leaders, or King of Pop, movies, food you know just things basically. can't expect every living person in the whole wide world to love it. except money and other luxurious of course. truth is, there's always two sides of things.  or three. the neutral, i dont give a damn kind.

flaw

i have been having fluctuating mood swing recently. this is not about academic. i felt emotionally disturbed and upset for so many things that hit me at once. it's more of the haunted past that now seem to surface again albeit i have already look over the matter and move on. it's coming back to me now. new theory postulated : i am never ever going to look pass this because the only way is to solve it, confrontation and improvise whatever that is left broken. actions speak louder. it always has. maybe i am wrong about letting things flow on it own but i lost in the track of fast pacing time.

true. i live everyday with that tad of remorse and unexplainable grief for what and who i am today. i could be happier. nonetheless, as i am jotting this down, every fibers of my being feel about to burst into shattering pieces for that accumulative pressure and depression. it is undeniably a worsening and worrisome psychological disorder.

i will never understand how could everybody just let it happened and it has been dragged for years now which seem like eternity. i dont want to give up but already lost hope and faith. this could have been Karma. i am inflicting This on myself. i am angry, sad, disappointed and beyond anguish but who am i to blame? just somebody that i used to know.

so i was thinking that all Parents have always believe in the good of their children. Take the case of Amanda Knox for example. they love their child so much that for whatever mistakes and wrongs the child do, they will forgive them. because loving them is easy. loving them is right. 

i might have a few opinions on right and wrong but i am not a Mother or know what's it like to have a child of blood of my own. i also want to believe in the good of people and always look at their good side no mater how bad the situation seems to be. however, even though i adore my parents and proud of them as well as thankful, grateful and love them for bringing me up and pretty much a modest parenting skill, i disagree with them in a few matters. i dont know if they choose to turn a blind eye or pamper their child so much that they never seem to see anything wrong. or maybe, their perception is difference with what i see. it could also be a hidden agenda. a lack of communication. this would even prove that their parenting skill is indeed flawed somewhere. however, i disagree with putting the parents solely on the blame. the child plays a big role too. i mean, as an adult, should be able to think ahead, to visualize the bigger picture instead of indulging in that brief moment of pleasure no? 

so i pretty much is a bit furious at my dad and mum. i think our communication is a huge weak point. i am not sure how i can i live days without calling. not even saying a hi or anything for that brief 15 seconds? or do they even care about me at all? What was on their minds? "Surrounded by bunch of people who love me unconditionally but i still feel exceptionally lonely in this estranged world". so, i am not even allowed to fall in love nor do i intend to. i cant even love my family the right way. 

okayyy. when i look back this post in the hear future. i wont probably remember what this is all about. too subtle.