Bersih vs The Hunger Games?

one of my friends posted a status linking bersih 3.0 to the hunger games. i think that is brilliant!

supposedly Dato' Ambiga represents Katniss, the symbol of Mockingjay, a symbol of rebellion. President Snow is our 'respected' Prime Minister and the Capitol represents the Ruling Government. Bersih is the Uprising of the people in the 12 districts/14 States and all around the globe. this is our battle and we have to fight it to gain justice and right for ourselves! well, can i just say that Anwar represents President Coin? the whole District 13 of course have to be the joint Opponent Parties. Pak Samad has to be Finnick Odair. ha-ha. The one who helps Katniss out in her time of troubles and i cant seem to associate Pak Samad with Peeta or Gale because of the romance part of it. who is Rue, then? Baharuddin Ahmad. Three fingers crossed out for him.

i have a lot of thoughts on the recent bersih rally. i fully support the course and objective of it but it's saddening to know that at the end of the day, it turns out be be quite a chaos, involving blood, tears and flesh. the brutality shown was really frightening. did the participate-Malaysians posed any terrorism or threats at all to the public and to the country? i have to concluded that PDRM really has to take responsibility from the incident after reading so many of the responses of the participants on their battleship-like experience. there are enough sources and informations on the internet and on the logics and reasons behind their stupid shooting of water cannons and tear gas at the mass crowd. it seems like they are just trying to make it a mess (start out peacefully and calm which is something i am really proud of but it seems like there are people who just wanted to start the spark and cause the ferocious fire so that they could put a blame to someone and hence misleading the people again) just because of the minority irresponsible and aggressive protestors (the culprits behind it) could have been controlled with the smart-looking, fully uniform brigade of polices who were on duties. why shoots the tear gas to disperse the innocent crowd who are not even close to break the barricades or the one seeking refuges in the shop lots? lastly, since Home Minister already acknowledged Bersih 3.0 rally as a peaceful assembly, why the hell are there road blocks and police everywhere near the vicinity of gathering point (which has been banned by the city council for preposterous reason. come one man! Avril Lavigne had her first concert there too a few years back!) the taxi driver who was with me yesterday even questioned the reason behinds the roadblock that only cause massive traffic jam  because apparently, people are still able to ride on their motorcycles and on foot to get thru the fancy red and white blocks. so why the hell even blocking if people are still able to get into the city centre? pfffft. i might take side but we need a change. let's give them a chance to prove whether their promising  propagandas and promises are to be fulfilled or not. we would never know.

may the odds be ever in your favor. :)

the next train

KTM service is totally sucks. with all the money that they stuffs in their own pockets, fending the children study overseas top universities, having the luxurious of driving the-beyond-expensive sport cars, hire driver to drive around in a Benz or BMW because these people never take public transport in a lifetime. so why the hell should they care about the people? the throng of people that stand butts-to-butts, leaving just centimeters for air and whenever you turn around, you only see hue colors of skin n fancy color hair. you cant even breath fresh air because the sweats are lingering around with the smell of frustration and jadedness. and then there was this voice that keep you update on trains arrival but i wonder if she ever went to school or ever watch the clock or even heard her own reports and maybe possibly she lost a numerous minutes in interval because her 7 mins suddenly change into another 7 mins after 10 mins and her 3 mins change to eternity. well. she should have just give us a notice after every traffic updates that PLEASE BE INFORM THAT THE TRAINS WILL NEVER BE ON TIME. DONT GET MAD AT ME. I AM JUST REPORTING FROM THE WRITTEN MONITOR. (laugh a little) HEH, YOU KNOW YOU CANT BLAME ME BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE NEVER ACCURATE. (bell rings) HAVE A SAFE JOURNEY THOUGH.

One funny incident was that when the first train arrived, these people who have been standing and waiting like a statue suddenly make a swift move and eyeing on the entrance into the coach. the ladies coach. gawd. it was crazy. it was ridiculously crazy. i wish that i could hashtag the only-in-malaysia thing and tweet around and i bet people, specially the citizens would agree. they moves a few steps faster, pushing people away and i feel foreign touch and push and quickly make way and just watch these crazy and desperate people squeeze themselves in the 3/4 foot entrance. believe me. this is the second time probably iever see a thing like that. i should have take my camera and snap that epic moment because i saw a flash of light, turned around and see a super cute foreigner just snap a shot of it. then one of them asked "where are they gonna go?". wow. i was suppressing my smile. in fact, i want to laugh out loud about it. call me stupid. i am never ever going to do the same thing. i would always be the one who stand behind, just watch a good show, never take a chance to make any attempt squeezing and racing with these people to catch that train (although i desperately need to get on one as soon as possible). i will never attempt a push, a rush, anything that practically portrayed an uncivilized Homo Sapiens. i just missed the train, again, but did manage to hop on the second one and while waiting still having my mind lingered on the incident just now which was a really good stock of laugh/shame of typical Bolehland in the eyes of foreigners. there's always a next train. it's not as if that the one last train to a safe territory in the brink of apocalypse peeps. pfffft.   

lonle

all these time, i thought that i am really okay with being a lone ranger. a lone wolf. because i really dont like to socialize. like, even if i dont like people, i have to pretend how happy and how fun it is to spend time with them (though there are fun times undoubtedly). i choose to distant myself from people because (yes i probably have mentioned this many times) i just simply dont trust people. secondly, i dont want to be a hypocrite. thirdly, i am just really happy with family and a few awesome friends that are really close to heart. i really thought that the world will keep on spinning even if i dont know these people and i dont desire to make any steps closer. it just dawn to me a couple of weeks ago that i used to have 'friends' who are pretty close but then i dont know what happen that we become so very much distant. i still cherish the moment we spend in the past and i dont even know what have gone wrong that we havent keep in touch for years. those are people that i want to keep in my heart but things seem to change now. i think the problem is on me.

at this moment, i am feeling dead lonely than i have ever felt in years. i have lost a brother 9 years ago. now, it seems that i have lost the entire family too. really. at this moment, it seems like i am an outcast no matter where i am. and it really breaks my heart. it could be it's only probably me who thinks that way which in fact they are always there for me but i am speaking of a different kind of loneliness. not the lack of accompany kind-which i really dont mind, but an empty feeling.

A-lined angled bob

having that haircut sort of giving myself a new lease on life. when u r willing n ready to let go of that dreadful long Rapunzel-like hair, ready to face yourself in the mirror with a shorter black hair, it's an accomplishment for me. only, i get myself Xandria Ooi's hair. it just happened. i dont even know how. i am a very "visionary" person. i know what i want but the think is that i wasnt imparting my idea correctly. sure, i tell the hairstylist how i like my hair to be styled out but i guess that she cant even go into my mind to envision what i see myself as-that cute Rachel McAdams' bob in The Vow. End up, i got the Xandria Ooi/Alicia Billington haircut. i even googled her up to double confirm it.

i dont even know if i really like it, like it, okay, it will get better or it could have gone better. but, i think i am happy to swift and sway my hair left to right n right to left, posing with the angle, it's kinda like lengthen my face but in a weird way. but i am breathing fresh air now. not suffocating in my thick messy hair world. but i would prefer it shorter.

and today went for my first time ever facial massage. it felt so good. it feels really good spending time with mum. but the thing is that mum always cracked joke at the wrong time but it was fun.

miss ya

i miss staying at Grandma's place. it makes me feel much secure and relax.

go to bed at 10pm and wake up as late as i want though it really annoys me that no matter how early or late i sleep, i always get up late. what the hell is wrong with my circadian cycle?

last thing, i really miss my grandma. should i go again tomorrow?

sh!t?

shits happen, always. getting medical report on April Fools'. is it a prank made by the doctors? couldnt afford to think so. how possible can these professional team decide to have a day-off on April Fools' and play prank on the people that come over to their desks. almost dying doesnt change anything. dying changes everything. quote House.

and with the uncountable disastrous predicaments that fall on me since i dont even know when, i am really tired to even put much thoughts on it. let it be?

#1 i 'shit' a lot recently. it makes me feel good.

#2 i drive single handed. it makes me at ease.

#3 think i just escape death. yesterday. who the hell put on a good show and puncture the tire. i am so 'relieved' to make home safe. somehow. wish i was dead. feeling dizzy. a lot to take in.

#4 what the hell is wrong with everybody's life?

lone ranger

im so pissed at so many things since i am home. first, how do people expect me to know so much bout medicine? i am just a pathetic wannabe who fails subjects n barely even passed the exam with a cert that've been the one and only solid and tangible thing that assures me to just hold on for a few more months n getting me thru all the moments of uncertainty. what pissed me more is that to see how stubborn people can be to just suffer thru the pain without even try to seek for advice from a more qualified people / those with DR in front of their names. how fool can u be? and now asking me questions and diagnosis and taking advice from people from the same presentations. hello? you might have the same presentation but not the same diagnosis okay? say, if its the goddamn osteoarthritis, sure, u can take glucosamine or whatsoever meds that u think is suitable but can u please go and have a visit at the clinic? gah i can always drive u know if you're lazy or something. and i am upset that people just dont want to talk about it and at the end i am the one who get 'scolded'. and i am more upset that i dont even know how to care, how to ask, how to talk anymore. though i understand that for someone at your age, people tend to get scared and stubborn for their feared of the possible unpleasant medical reports or diagnose of the dreaded C word, just to name a few. but, what if it's just osteoarthritis. they can always prescribed you with things and give you advice better than u sit there and occasionally start the conversation with me on diet and meds.

i am seriously pissed off when people start to ask me about medicine thing because honestly, i dont know a thing. just stop calling me with dr. i am not a doctor. puh-lez. stop torturing me. why did everyone has to know about it and everyone has to ask about it? i might show my friendly fake smile and giggle about it but deep down inside, i was struggling hard. deep down inside, i am upset. deep down inside, i am livid. deep down inside, i feel inferior. deep down inside, i am tormented. and those are the things that people dont see from the outside. those are my secrets.

to put two and two together, i thing the main focus that culminated in my occasion bad temper and mood swing is that i realised i am alone and has always been alone all these while. nobody has ever brilliantly decipher my words into what i really mean. heh. because i never ever really tell things straight and direct. well, maybe i did, before. but, what do i expect right? a whole village of people and a whole pack of family and the aunts and uncles and cousins that i barely even know the names and faces. its that much to take in. it's too much. and my words get ignored.

we went for family dinner with family's friends. true. we can feel that tad of jealousy of the children's success, the 5 digits salary and the fancy post and occupations. well. please dont. everyone is born differently. everyone is born with different purpose of life. some were born rich, some may not. but to me, rich is very subjective. to me, the politicians in my land perfectly define rich. they have too much money that they embarks me on wondering about economy and money flow thingy. i start to questions myself things that i never wonder before. wondering where the hell are those money from. The bank? then, who make them? who the hell make Ringgit Malaysia? the governor? why some people never get rich but some get richer by just split seconds. so many whys. so many new knowledge and those are really beyond my intellectual.

so my monthly and yearly ignorance and indifferent attitude has brought me to a point where i can easily shed my tears if i just stay alone in some random place and think about my current condition. it was an eerie feeling of lonesomeness, the kind that leave you excrutiating in agony knowing how people love you but dont understand your needs but purely love by the sake of relationships. love because it seems like a logic thing to say and do. but, never really know how this girl here is really fighting for her life till suicidal attempts and tears jerking moment and self-reclusive have been the complications from the deadly lonesomeness. it was a different kind of lonesomeness. not the kind that you enjoy watching movie alone, singing alone, reading alone, locking yourself in the room alone.

sometimes, i wish i can be dead with my too much of thoughts, with my depression, with my too many questions and with my unsatisfactory towards life. but, sigh. am i a quitter? do i really want to leave my family now? am i that ungrateful? the devil side of me always ask back : y even bring me to life? y am i, this me, this me who is typing now exist? what the hell makes me think of so many negative things? what has made me to become who i am today : a girl full with grudge and hatred toward herself ?