stubborn

this is my best friend here that has been helping me a lot to go through my devastation. i really appreciate her helps and all.

it has been one long devastating and hectic week for me.

i was experiencing one of my most unforgettable downfall and stressful moment in my life. as i'm inscribing this down, oddly, i couldn't even recall how does it feel at that particular moments of anguish. no. you dont want to know how it feels.

i failed my academic exam for the second time. this time, it's worst than the first. my heart was totally broken when i get to know the results. it was really shocking to me because i thought i did pretty well for that paper. i have more confidence this time because i read it thoroughly and i think that the paper is not really very tough because i feel like the answers are pretty obvious for some but i was so deadly wrong again. i have too much pride and vain confident in myself and i'm too conceited to admit my mistake.

i didn't sleep well for numerous nights. it feels empty. i feel like a dead walking body every single day. i have a lot of things rummaging in my mind. i tried to be strong and tough. and eventually i broke down one day. it's the stress and devastation that lead to it.

i talked to my Mother. and i told her everything since the first failure. i feel like a useless, disappointing being. i couldn't believe how my efforts do not pay? i did work hard for it but the grade signifies that i didn't do the studies and all. it was a terrible grade. and the thing is that only a few countable students failed. it keeps me pondering and wondering. yes. maybe i'm interested in medicine. yes i love it too much to give it up. but, am i the right person to do it? i ain't a good medical students. i can't cope with studies, really. the grade and results tell. i have a lot of hard work to put in and i already gave my bestest and that's my limit since the boost of my first failure. i did work for it and i don't get a good repay. do you know how frustrating it is? i cried, again. things have been real tough. i cannot cope with my studies. yes. i start to think that maybe medicine is not my thing. though, talking to Mother is really soothing. she understands my problem and she gives me a lot of courage to move on for my final semester examination. i move on eventually. i try to forget the torment for a few days at least because i know what's my priority. though, everyday, i hear my heart whispering that everything seems very surreal. i cannot believe that i get such a grade because i really think can do better not acing it but at least a good pass. i really dont know what went wrong. some more, seeing so much of them getting good grades really make me feel more ashamed and disappointed of myself. what went wrong?! i really hate to accept my defeat, this time, really. because i fought so hard for it!

so, here i am now. the important papers are over a couple of days ago and there's still one last paper to go. i talked to a friend yesterday. he doesn't know what i have gone through but i'm just asking a few tips on his studies because he is really a smart and fine guy. i am really captivated and respected his opinions and it makes me feel a whole lot better. he said that people are saying studying medicine in overseas could bring less tension and stress because what they do are more on practical thingy whereas the local one is more exam-orientated. there are pretty much theory thingy and some insignificant stuffs that in real life as a physician, those knowledge is not needed. he gave me a few examples of how excellent students could fail their practical years and hence that is not a good doctor. yes. maybe they can list down every single word from the first page to the last of a reference book but on application in real life, they could have freaked out and doomed. so, results do not signifies everything.

yes. it could be a sour grape case. but i am too stubborn sometimes. i like to skip unimportant, insignificant details and so i could perform well i think. i do not like to memorize things that does not seem important to me. yes.i could be wrong. say me lazy or anything.i admit. i am sill wondering whether i can really be a good doctor and whether this professional suits me. there are a lot of risks to take and explanation to make. i rally don't know what to do with my life. i want to do awesome things. i dont want a miserable life. i have a lot of wonders.

time tells

listening to Nickelback-Never gonna be alone. Captivated by the line "you gotta live every single day like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes? don't let it slips away, could be our only one"

why am i so darn exhausted since i don't know when. i could take a nap for three hours straight. i wake up after i set the alarm to half an hour but then my head is just tooo heavy that i could not lift it up so i place it on the pillow and just sleep. i am mentally and physically exhausted.

my life's a mess. i have a lot of mishaps, problems and obstacles that come to me at once. yes. i am suffocating. it all comes to me at once that i dont know how to react sometimes. so i could just accept what has been made a conclusion and move on. my studies and my own personal problems come invading me at once. yes. i just go with the flow. then, there are things that need time to tell and heal. time does heal and tells things. i move on. i never want to look back. i realised what have been a haze to me before and i dont want things to bother me anymore. gee. exam in 2 days and i am still facebooking and blogging. die.

Fugitive

as i am typing this, there's a lot of things running in rage in my mind. things that worried me, things that i care a lot, things that i plan to do, things that happen, the plot and all, spirits, world, everything comes all in once and things that make me happy as i'm trying to alleviate my dejection, many many things that for the first time ever, i truly madly deeply doubt myself for the decision that i am sure of since a long time ago. i suppose that as we aged, our perceptions and views toward life changed. yes. someone told me this before and i bound to be indifference because i used to believe in myself so much that i am sure that i will never doubt what i have chosen. but i was wrong.

for the first time ever in my lifetime, i fail my academic examination. yes. i failed my driving test before but who the hell cares nowadays. i start driving again to conquer my fear because i know that i want a difference in my life and i am no coward and i can do driving because driving is fun, driving is awesome. and yes. i manage it. i just need to brush my skill more on managing a decent parking. so. continue the story. i fail my test as i am enduring my life as a first year medial student.

heard it from seniors that it's a common thing to fail it. no worries. there's a final to catch up everything. hell yes. there's a stack of notes for me to digest. and what i always do is to just skim through. i am such a lousy medical student. now, i even doubt myself whether i can be a good doctor. i have no knowledge and i dont even bother to get a better understanding on things that i dont undersatnd because i like to label things that i like and dislike and for those that i dislike, i am really jaded to figure them out, to know a thing about it because i think of it as useless and insignificant.

yes. after a few hours of calming myself down. i still think of faling the test as something bearable. did not cry, scream or bang my head on the table or wall. just keep it cool? am i just trying to act strong? not that i'm trying to boast about myself but i used to be among the top students at school. gah. that was a history. i am now among the last one to queue up from the many genius and hardworking students. i can accept my defeat because i know that i have not been working hard on it. i am not trying to find excuses. i know my own problems. i am distracted by things and i think of myself as know-it-all and to go with the flow with the virtual luck that i thought i still carry along but everything's just a miserable lie and delusions that i create for myself. i fail this time (serve me right) and the previous tests were of not great results either. my only problem now is how do i tell my parents. they would be so damn heart broken. i played too much. i used to confess to my Mother that i am not going for frequent outings anymore and will try to overcome my addiction and will focus more on studies but i fail, again, terribly. i am just a liar. i lie to my Mum and i lie to myself. no wonder bad things happen to me for consecutive days. it's like i have been jinxed. and these things make me ponder a lot. a hell lot.

i dont want to disappoint them knowing how high their expectation is. no. they are not putting any pressure on me and i do medicine on volunteer basis. they just encourage a lot and believe in me so much. i just know that the expectation is there as i was a staraight As student back then. they keep on telling me don't stress much, try to enjoy life while i could, take it easy and all. i know that deep down their hearts, they want their children to excel acdemically and as a person. a well grown human that could contribute to society in future. i am so sorry. i failed terribly this time. although i am not the only one, but there are people who scored well too. why can i attain the achievement like they do? i mean, if they can do it, i can too. it's the matter of wanting and working hard to achieve it. i am now thinking of plotting a lie or i could just keep it secret or i could just pay ignorance. duh. it's a white lie afterall aint it? this is so hard. i feel like a fugitive. run. run! RUN!

never thought that i could miss a person this much. yes Mum. i love you. i miss you it hurts. it hurts a lot. i have see tears in your eyes, tears of my suffering, tears of my disappointment, tears of my happiness and all. i am such a demand girl that i want everything to lay out perfectly for me as how i want it to be. i keep on seeking the attention from mum and pup. everything's changing ever since i went back for my deepavali holidays this time. i can feel and see the changes in myself. i went driving again. yes. why? i want my parents to see me as a capable person. i dont want them to worry that i cant drive and nobody's going to take care of me. no. i can do it on my own now. i try to include them more in my activities. i get rid of internet hence i have more time with them. and i start feeling remorse and guilty ever since i know i fail the test and stil keeping it a secret until now.

maybe failing the test reminds me on working harder. i have been real optimistic. i have never give up on medicine with my lousy results previously and with failing it the third time. i just dont know why. i love medicine too much to give it up. i enjoy learning all those stuffs and maybe when it comes to exam and tests, i don't know how to apply the knowledge. it's not as if i did not study and put effort on it. i did. i fought so hard but in vain. moreover, if i were to give up, i dont know what to do with my life anymore. i don't know what i want to do in future but now, i am terribly homesick that i feel like going home and be there, living an easy, comfortable life.

Biggest Joke of My Life

history has been made. it should be one of the most unforgettable day in my life. i missed the flight by just 10 minutes late entrance into departing hall. yes. 10 minutes.

well. how do i feel? it's just totally unbelievable and i kept on asking the lady at the counter and she's saying she's serious about it and all and there's no point arguing even if the issue's brought into the management office. well. i do admit it's my fault. it's because of poor planning and i thought that i have to be here one hour before departing time. well yeah. cut that down to half an hour. totally shocking, depressing, surprising, OMG, you name it, i am feeling it now at this particular moment.

duh. i am just lazy to explain everything and to just feel like a need to inscribe this down. yes. i learnt my lesson.