Monday Blue

i finally saw a silver lining behind the soaky dampen ferocious cloud after a few attempts of ignoring its vitality or rather its impact to me. it was delighting, to know, to have a slight of relief to know that i finally wouldn't be burden by all of those, at least for now. Damn public again.

This time, all credits go to male, boys. i was making a call again for an inquiry about my application for USM. The men behind the phone, with the most soothing voice ever, the manly convincing solid tone, made me fluttering. i guess they're the best operators around that they immediately get the heck of what i was enquiring, again with my limited Malay. They happened to make my day and i am really grateful and thankful and may all the goodness fall upon you guys because you guys just happen to help the most impudent child on earth ever and God bless you that beyond her impudence, there are still people like you guys that're willing to lend me the ears and a helping hand. It pleases God, by sacrifying yourselves. (A statement that i found meaningful in Language Lab a couple of weeks ago.) So, no offence to female, though i am one of them because i was just being frank, spoken to a few females before but they're sort of disappoiting, sort of blur, sort of make me stomach wrenching and i was just speechless that i lost of words, lost in thoughts that i wasn't even confidence enough to make any more calls as i'm so scared by being let down again. Thank God, it was bo-ooo-oy that picks up the phone this time and by just one ring, my problem is settled.

i couldn't wait for my parents' visit this weekend. they are bringing me for a holiday and go shopping and stuffs and most importantly, escape from this damn school. So not going to care about study anymore, going to put a halt and when i come back, i will strive again and continue and start everything all over again. Whee. this is exciting.

Today, i was doing the experimanet for blood test. i wasn't even ready, wasn't prepared at all ( Edward would have skipped classes at time like this). The picturing of the thin sharp lancet pierce through my middle finger was unbearable. Scared the hell out of me. i was struggling and people were like clustering around me, encouraging, watching timid me and i didn't even have space and time to feel embarassed over my cowardice because i was busy conquering my fear. I am confessing how selfish i was when i refused to brace myself for blood donation, twice. i am proud to say that i wasn't even embarassed to let people know how selfish i am because i really don't want to do it, for selfish sake, i am scared of the pain. Although those who'd gone through it was like flutering around of how unpainful it was, i didn't buy a word for that. So, i am selfish. Say, put this in reverse like if i was so in need of blood, say i have encountered an accident or something, i wouldn't surprise to know that i wouldn't even survive as nobody's donating their blood for me. Karma eh? Even tough i was ocked by friends of how self-conscious i was and how timid i was and how scummy i was, i don't really give a damn because i am scared that i get hurt. Back to the blood test, i did it at the end with the help of a few friends and there was this classmate who was like so professional that did it like magic. i didn't feel a pain at all and i was like so joyful. She was destined to be a nurse or doctor or something because she got great skills. Nonetheless, as curious as i was to know what is my blood group, my result was a failure because all the blood sample got stained and dissolve in water and every sample for testing with antiserum A, B got mingled together so i was left as an unknown.

Proceed. i would like to thank my dear Father for helping me to compose the following poem for a competition. This is so cheating but i don't really care. i am such a troublesome that so many parties were involved in delivering me the folllowing poem but the end result was that, the poem was really GOOD. Not that i want to show-off how great my dad is but i really think it was a superb piece of poem. So, i cheat. i hope i win anyway.

Written : December 14th

So, my parents came for visit and i had a whale of time shopping. Now that they're gone, i had to come back to reality and i don't even know how to start. What was i doing today? Completely lost, mind drifted into the far far away land.

i'd just completed my application into Public University and it wasn't an easy task at all. Filing in the particulars and stuffs made me trembled. It felt as if i was keying in my 100 millions dollars answer for something vague that i left it to God to decided what's my destiny.

Going back in a few minutes to study, yeah, study.... i just bought Sparks' The Rescue.

Written : December 21st

Where does all the missing things gone?

to a place called here. here, now, forever, yet to be found, lost in time; any of the possibilities.

i am so going to dig deep to captivate among the memorable events that have happened since...the end of november.

I have been spending nights after nights waiting for her return yet to no avail. sometimes, it feels as if she was still around, watching me, watching us. i knew that she is not coming back anymore. the day we parted, i shed my tears. i cherish our friendship, so much, too much. i like her the most because of her sincerity and kindness and i know that i am someone special to her too. She taught me of so many things, her religion, her belief, her stories and it makes me comprehend and enjoy life from a broader perspective. Then, as soon as i know all of those are not happening anymore, it was as if i will stop learning, growing, gather knowledge and i will become ignorant and illiterate. i do want to feel lifeless, envelop behind these four walls. That's when i burst into tears, that's when i know that i love her. i want her back because my life is sort of empty and meaningless withour her sharing a room of 4 walls with me. i never realise how important she was to me, until, she hugged me goodbye, and salam and exchange the very last sight of us together in front of room 29 and i closed the damn door, she went on her way and i never see her again. Oh, Aida, how i miss you so.

i have been selfish enough to pay hostile towards Ros and Gi-Ah. i was sort of livid, i guess. i feel like life is so unfair. i even doubt God, faith. Why did He arrange such a tough path for her? In my opinion, it is so unfair, so loathesome. She deserves better, the best. What the hell is wrong then? Did He have a better plan for her, Did He too have faith that she's the strongest of all to endure among the toughest plan He has for the followers? i doubt. Why now? Why such? Why her? Why not her? Oh God, please. i pray that You really know what you are doing and promise me to give her the best, the best that she deserves because she is the role model, the one, the decent one, the nicest one and the everything.

And till now, i am still improving. i have to be good. i have to be normal, again. They do notice of my sudden hostility, i guess. i do not beg for any forgiveness because frankly, i do it on purpose. It proved that i need Aida because only then, i will behave because she deserves the best from me. Without her, i lost my reflection. i am someone callous.

Complications.

I am so finally going to apply for university. Public University. This might sounds arrogant; i hate almost everything public, here. Take for example, if this is Japan, in the case of public transport, there would not be such a thought of how repulsive i am of anything “public” due to the inefficiency of the you-know-who. And guess what, i finally understand the views and whining i have been getting from the elders/parents/whoever before of how exasperated and disgusted it would turn out to “work” with those people who make up majority of the you-know-who. They make me, speechless, furious beyond word, drive me into tension and it was just so terrible. That is when i learn that sometimes, it is the best resort to work eveything on your own even if it means group work. How could they pay oblivion? How could they take it easy? How could they not complete their task? From them too, hah, i have eventually become a better leader. Thank you so very much. Even if they take credits from my efforts, i am doing just fine because He know better and i am happy.

Speaking of public, where oh where in the part of the world offer the most advance public education? US, UK, Japan, Singapore? Nothing private, public. Damn public. It is because it is here, here, that i despised being labelled (soon to be) by the whoever of being "inferior" graduating from a public university due to its poor academic performance, teaching, generation of professionals and the list goes on. Well, i guess i just have to accept it. No matter what the outcomes would be, nothing could be changed. What can i do? What can i contribute?

Complications.

I kind of screwed up my application into USM. i am still waiting, patiently, for Mum's call, for a reply, for a mail, for everything. i almost burst into tears in the morning just now because again, the school, let me down. How absurd it was for them to tell me that i am not allowed to make any calls to anyone/ destinations using the school's phone line? They always come out with idealism that i seemed like dumb enough to comprehend. The last few days, i was in Students Public Affair department to ask for permission to leave for the next weekend / "escape" from the school but they ask me the most profound question ever? What do you want to go home? i was like, what? What kind of question is that? Why can't i leave whenever i want? I wasn't even involve in any college activities next weekend. i want to leave to spend some qualities time with family. Do i even have to ask for your permission for that?

Then, i know that i am an adult already and i should be able to manage everything. i need to fix everything. i need to fix the problems. Shit. Making calls to USM and the operators/person in charge/ or whatever the post is on the line was having problems understanding my predicaments. Shit. My Malay speaking skill sucks like hell. i know. Then, she sort of asked for another one for "assistance". i conversed in English. Damn. She didn't seem to understand better. This time, it seemed as if they do not even know that there was such a things call the Online Application for Entrance into USM for postgraduate studies, from Matriculation, the line was open like 2 days ago. Okay. What the hell is wrong with people today? Speaking of public. Speaking of the advance of internet. Speaking of the you-know-who.

i was upset, pissed, down, furious, guilty. Wondering whether it's my own fault for some obscure errors that i had made in the morning of signing up the damn account. Maybe , God do not want me to continue my study there or i am not destined to be there. Maybe, it is karma.

Just finish consulting another "person in charge" with my limited Malay. She seemed more likely to know what the hell is happening around,, what is revolving me. Shit. It hit me that i wouldn't even get the offer even when my problem is solved and i get to sign up and everything because i am not meant to be.

Complication

i haven't been updating my blog for ages. great. i am quite a very busy person.

it seems that i survived 25th of November 2009 which previously was presumed to be my Doomsday. i took the quiz on Facebook the other on How would i die in 2012? and surprising/stupidly i survived too. Haha.

I should begin today's post with something huge and unforgettable that had happened in the morning during Chemistry Practical period. Huiwoon, accidently, broke the, thermometer, and, the mercury, the toxic, harmful, hazardous mercury, spilled out, scattered on the table and left us agape, startled, worried. i kept on asking her not to worry much because the lecturer seem calm. Kudos to her. The lab assistant put sulphur on the mercury to avoid further exposure of us and the rest of the classmates (which bound to be apathetic) to it and i think everything is okay. i guess that it wasn't as serious as we thought it was, from our accumulation of previous knowledge of how risky it is to be exposed to mercury because the lecturer and lab assistant seemed so cool about it. We vowed to be extremely careful and meticulous the next time and learnt from our mistakes. i hope that i am still as healthy as before.

Then, the next period, i was having Mathematics quiz. i screwed it up. it hit me like last second that i made a super huge error that there's no turning point anymore because i was so short of time. And now, i am agonizing over it. Trying to stay positive, focus and sensible by encouraging self. it will always remind me of being extra careful the next time. i should be happy to make that mistake so that i remember.