all i've ever needed

every now and then, at any moment in any random day, i would look at my life and my day and thought to myself that 'this is seriously not getting me anywhere, i am not doing anything productive, i am not doing something that bring any good, i waste so much time, i dont know what to do with my life, yada yada yada'. i know that i never stop whining about it but seriously, i need a space, a person or anything that i can pour this out, nevermind not getting any replies or words of courage because life's like this.

if i keep it inside, i think i am going to be more sad than i already am. 

sometimes, i dont even know who i am. i dont talk to nobody. i can just ignore my family. i can talk to nobody for days, my parents or god parents. when i need them, only then i ring them. i always think i am such a hypocrite . i know that they can provide me with so and so hence i only initiate to call them up for it. well, most of the stuffs i talk about with them are of superficially random boring things. i never ever touch about my studies. because i just hate it that much and i have no knowledge whatsoever in it. and i think everybody thinks that i am so darn awesome but the truth is that i am not. i dont want to talk about anything medicine and i dont want anybody to even mention a thing about it and ask me medical stuffs. cough and pain and tiredness. better get a proper medical consult.

i never talk about the stress life i have too. probably somebody notices but what can they do. i never talk about my feelings. it's clear that they never mention about several mystery and conflicts that was raised here and there that i heard about. and i aint going to ask them about those 'adults thing' too. it's just too much to swallow in with my already fucked up life.

and i despise people that are surrounding me sometimes. what's wrong with the people i met nowadays? y am i stuck with people who can brag nonchalantly about their ability, their success, their superiority? i aint impress at all. sometimes, i just want to shout shut the fuck up already or occasionally land a couple of missiles and attack them with my stories too so that these people learn to be more humble and show respects. the conclusion is that i cant trust nobody. i have trust issue.

the only thing that i want in my life now, i have already screwed it up a decade ago and it really pains me still. i try to make amend but we are all grown up now. things changed. running in the same blood and i seriously think that there are quite a number of things that we share in common. it was so incredible how it struck me that someone actually mirror me.   

keep calm because life's like this.  

Y.O.L.O

october was packed with exams and the long dreadful study week in between. birthday welcomed october but it didnt seem to contain the melancholic atmosphere and the monotonic posts that lie between the lines if i were to blog it the previous month so i reckon i probably just skipped everything all over.

so i went for a holiday in singapore just a couple of weeks ago. everything seemed better on the other side of the country. everything was almost perfect. everything was better. the road. the dustbin, htrees. the falling leaves. it did really baffle you how things are so much different with just a strait away. hah. that's just the 'kampung' me finally get to see the world.

it really just taught me that the world is such a bug space so if you cant fit in one particular field, there are so many more places to explore. it's a small country but it has so mch to offer.

enjoy a couple of mind-exploding roller coaster rides, just for the sake of fun. i just want to feel young, daring. that f8cking few minutes on ar when you are totally insecure and free falling and has no sense of gravitational feel at all. sometimes, it really feels awesome to put your mind and body go thru hell. #youonlyliveonce!

realizng that, i have so much more on my list to do. bungee jump tops the list. i have so many more crazy things to do too. the question is how passionate and committed i am about them. and who are going to be there to share that dream. will i have enough resources and time for them?