More on J

i am probably gay. Let's ditch the L word.

i saw an elf-life girl today and she's super duper cute, beautiful. One conspicuous thing i notice was the ears. Then, the shape of her face. Heart-like? i wasn't sure. it's just that those kind of ears suite those kind of face. Her ears are cute, big dark puppy eyes, pointed cute nose, lustrous lips and the whole face is so delicate, angel-like and she was seriously a great sight to look at. Attractive. Those kind that made people stirred inside. If a girl thinks another girl is pretty, and hell yeah, she sure is pretty.

Here goes more on Little J. i love her hair so much!!!

Introducing Little J

Okay. I LOVE Taylor's hair, so much!

It's tousled and unkempt. Obviously. But seriously digging it, except for the raccoon-makeup. Suit me i guess. Need to go for a hairdo. And then with my baggy clothes, sloppiness, totally me. Woon should really LOVE that on me.

Hey ho, Let's go

• Get to indulge in my most favourite dessert today - CPT !!! Apparently, Pak Cik was ill a couple of days ago. He has to be well, always. Seriously.
• Finally flipped through the last page of Pet Semetary. Gee. i wasn't really into thriller and horror fiction. It was reckoned as the most scariest and bestest among Stephen King's pieces but i didn't really dig it too much. However, doing a midnight, i mean in the wee hours reading is kind of spooky, sending shivers through the veins and i just had to hide in bed because i am a coward.
• Holiday is so coming to an end. A fact that nobody could have impeded. Sad.
• Although i have been repeating the same routine like waking up, watching series, eat, cycle, exercising, eat,watching series again, online then go to bed, it never bores me. i feel like i have so much else to do. Doing internet browsing, figuring out life, enjoying home-stay, etc. Shit. Going back to my mundane homesickly stressful hectic mountainous-homeworks-about-to-never-complete college life in a few more days, it's coming, never intend to plan on doing a count down but it's coming. Shit. Freeze the time.

Need to go to Boston

There was a continuos blast from the speakers. i turned it full. It was Boston and others and it was Boston, really that made it all matter. Singing/Shouting my lungs out. It made my day. Playing it again and again and i was in a super great mood to finish my never-ending homework.

Never going to complete everything though. My stupid brain just doesn't work here. Obviously.

The song is really inspiring. It makes me want to go to Boston. It brings fresh new hope. It brings comfort. i wish i could play the piano as fine as he is. i wish i could play the guitar. And i want to play it for myself. It soothes my soul.

You don't know me, you don't even care.

You don't know me, you don't wear my chains.

Lalalalalalalalala.........................................~ where no ones know my name........~

i am going to Boston!

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun. Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed, this world you must've crossed, you said... You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... She said, "You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains..." oh yeah...

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field. When flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry when they see you. You said, "You don't know me, you don't even care," Oh yeah... She said, "You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains..." Oh yeah...

She said, I think I'll go to Boston...I think I'll start a new life,I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name, I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain... I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired, I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind... I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset, I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah....

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah

BY : Augustana

Already Gone

i went cycle, i love life.

it just struck me that Rickye is the one and only my most valuable boy friend. And i sort of just asked him out for a drink or something just now. He made me.

Haven't seen him for a year, haven't talk to Sinyee for a year, i remembered bumping into Sinyee at somewhere before, so that doesn't make it a year. Great. So, i am going to date R and S. i have only been in touch with them through blogs and facebook. And, what's there to talk about? i am sure there'll be a load of craps coming out sooner or later.

One week almost gone and it felt just like yesterday. What have i done to my 6 days? Can this last forever, i never want to go back. it was so odd. i couldn't complete my homeworks properly here. i skipped so much of questions and exercise because my stupid brain just didn't function at at least its minimum level. At my so-called second home, i could have locked up myself and buried myself in the books and exercises but something is missing here, now. Thank God i didn't carry along my Campbell. There are so much temptations here.

i'll never be able to finish my homeworks by next week. i reckon i would just have to just ENJOY my break at home and catch up later when i get back because that was the real hell and this is heaven. My illusional heaven is not meant to be a place for me to cramp my head to solve those mind-boggling exercises right?

House's next.

i love it here!

Dear Huiting,

i went cycle, i love life.

i helped Mum with chores, i hate my laziness and reluctance.

i did Maths and i couldn't comprehend why the hell in the world i'm learning those. Stupid graphs.

i watched House and still, having strong desire to get the heck of those medical jargons.

i ate, bloated and i am fat.

i get hooked of You and Me-Lifehouse, Cinderella-Steven Curtis Chapman, Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson, Fireflies-Owl City, You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift (Butch Walker's version is in demand!!!), Time for Miracles-Adam Lambert ( Gay people are pretty and beautiful, that makes them gay i guess and i get labelled of homosexual. i'm cool with that), Two is Better than One - Boys like Girls feat Taylor Swift and I See You-Mika.

i need to earn more money for my DeeDee. So much things to buy.

i need more ingredients from Restaurant City because i want to learn new recipes.

i love Wall's Chocolate ice cream.

i need to go to see Momma and Daddy because they have came back from Korea and i'm wondering whether they're getting anything for me. Fragrance perhaps?

i just found out that the eye-catching Simon (Lucas Till) in one of the episode of House (Season 5 Episode 11, Joy to the world) is the boy in Taylor Swift's You belong with Me music video. Queer, why didn't i notice his handsomeness before?

Shit. i love my life here, home. Occupying Brother's room.

Where's my CPT? And my booster works!

So, last night, i was waiting, patiently for my MUET results. No rush because i have HOUSE. Whee. My booster does work though it did burn a hole in my pocket that i remembered i had to scramble throughout the mall the day before yesterday looking for an ATM machine and i just figured that i could use the BSN card if that machine had a MEPS and BANKCARD logo on it, i just knew that i don't have to exactly looking for BANK SIMPANAN NASIONAL ATM machine instead any other as long as the logos are there. Great. i was stupid then.

i felt zestful. Taking every episode slow, means enjoying, it's like eating, taking every bite slow, enjoying (and at the end of the meal always get mocked).... digesting, wishing i could fast forward a couple of years so that i could get all the medical jargons right. yeah, as if it is so guaranteed that i will get into a med school.

Then, today afternoon, Mum was offering a treat for my favourite dessert ever, Cendol Pulut Tapai (CPT). i acknowledged it was for my satisfactory MUET result and off we went, only to get disappointed that the stall was closed for service and did make me sighed a long sigh. The Pak Cik always disappointed me. Whenever i was coming back for a break, i never missed a chance to pay a visit and indulge in that superb delicious mouth-watering freezy chilly tasty CPT. Okay, If he was like has physical problems, that's totally understandable but i'm upset that nobody's going to able to satisfy my craving except his CPT with his uniquely secret recipe. i could have do three bowls today because it was a one finely typical day in tropical Malaysia. One costed like around RM1-2 and he could have set the price at 4 or 5 and i don't mind because of the quality. i bet that all the Kota Bharu-ians are familiar with the location, which is a modestly ramshackle hawker stall besides Golden Leaf Restaurant at Jalan 'something' which has a Malay Restaurant serving Nasi Kukus across the street. But hey, don't look down on its inferior appearance, they serve world bestest dessert ever! So, again, i was let down today but it is totally pardonable because good things do not come easily. Still, i am craving for it so badly!

i better start off with my Mathematics since i'm so in the study mood. Whee. House's next!

A Day at The Mall

It was great to be home. When i unpacked, partially, i jumped to bed exuberantly, evilly grinning. It was so awesome, diving in, so comfy, so cozy and i fall asleep within milliseconds without having more time to enjoy the unexplainable comfort my world-bestest-matress gave about.

Then, it was around noon. i woke up feeling energetic, lively, ready to start my day though it did feel like i could sleep forever but hey that's about to come soon; i'm dying. i had so much things to do. i had to meet my long lost friends. i had to buy things. i had to enjoy life.

it was so bizarre how we didn't seem awkward and doubtful to talk and there was like so much things to talk about and we could have do it whole day because it had been past freaking one year, 12 months, 365 days we haven't meet each other, except for Leewen and Weichen.

Oh. Leewen just got taller. I can't believe how incredibly tall she was, i mean she was tall, right i know, always the tallest but damn, she had gone taller after months. i hate it when i had to ook up to talk to her 'cuz it really hurt my neck. And her slender legs, i envy that. And there was Weichen. Many thanks to Weichen that Leewen was there and Xinjie too. She was a great driver. i wish that i could drive freely and bravely and confidently like her in the next future, yeah soon because i'm dying. Next, Xinjie. Uhmm...he had done a lot of flirting with my sister. And yeah, i haven't seen him for like a year. He was still the same.. i heard that he studied hard. i hope that his hard work pay. Next, Chungling was there too. i was the least closest to Chungling of them all but still, we had things to talk about too. Friendship is amazing. i wish that she will success in whatever that she was about to venture in her future. Then, Yunlin was there. Yunlin has gone cuter over the year. She had done rebonding and she was really cute. It was so light, so wavy, so a comfortable sight to look at. And yeah, we talked a lot too. Eh, how much is a lot? i had so much more to ask her, to know about her because i haven't heard from her like in a year. i wish that the next meeting is coming soon. She was indeed a beauty with a brain, smart brain. Lastly, we had Nuraini, my monitor. She will always be a great monitor in my heart. Nuraini is still fluent in Mandarin and yeah, we talked the least because she went to have lunch with Weinie and then guess we have nothing to talk about besides the basic stuffs.

Oh. then, i saw Wanchee. She was my ex classmate and yeah she still recognized me, i guess. i was dragging my sister and then i stumbled into her. She was looking at my way and i was looking at her, astounded. You know, the feeling when you see someone you know and familiar and not expected on the middle of the day. Then, she smiled, sort of an acknowledgement of a greeting. i smiled too while mounthing a hello.

i had Double Fortune Chicken Burger at A&W for lunch and damn, root beer was so darn nice. i had been missing the taste of t after so many freaking years. when i was young, my brother and i used to frequent A&W a lot and i remembered well that my brother likes 'Float' so much. ROOT BEER is so darn nice! Then, i bought House Season 5, to keep me company this break, get new contact, damn my eyesight worsen because of the damn stupid lecture of some ignorant people. Light was switched off, as if the college is too poor to pay up for the bill. Light was switched off, as if the world is not going to end with them saving electricity to save the Mother Nature. Light was switched off, because some morons were like dazzle and what about all the spec-kies? What about the perfect eyesighters? Did you just ignore our existence and our priority? Get spectacles or something so that everyone is benefited from it instead of driving us into darkness which served as a good place for cultivating sleepy mood. Great. There's nothing i can do about it, although i can voice out my adversity but would anyone really take note of it?So, i'm better off suffer in silence.

Whee...i'm done!

Well, i have done with my Second Mid-Semester Test!

I'm free and i have so much things to do now. Have a long to-do list and i can't wait to go back home, like always.

Yesterday, it was my maiden attempt to go to watch tv in the so-called tv room. 8tv was broadcasting Gossip Girl Season 2 Episode-something. i was like so excited and all because i'm so jaded of the books and notes and books and more exercises. i have been looking at the same freaking thing over and over again and i figured that well, it was high time to indulge in my own merriment.

i was swooning, like always, when i saw Chuck. He did melt my heart. XD

i like Chuck so much because he's the best man around. Whee.

Then, half-way, there was this someone, tuned offf my Chuck. i was like startled and hey, whatever, i left the room and gone to my room.

Like i have confessed before, i hate sharing. i hate public. i hate when i can't do what i want to do and i want my privacy. So, going back, i'm going to enjoy GG season 3, perhaps having all season together and watch it all over again and doing it....in private.

Harpie 2010!

Happy New Year!

First thing first, Thank God that i live through 2009 and make it to 5th January 2010. Thank God that i am here. Thank God that my loved ones are here. Thank God that i'm about to go home!

***

i have a blast weekend shopping. i feel like i can do better. Can i do it all over again?

Going for shopping makes me mercenary. i feel like having all the money the world has to offer, to be really rich, inherit a fortune from Donald Trump or something.

My brother, the one i know and don't really know at the same time, still giving me the same feeling everytime he is within a visible radius; guilty, angst, every possible feeling, mingle.

Pup and Mum actually noticed our subtle hostile like long way back. Well, nothing change much i guess after all the hecking years. It wasn't as if they have a clue on how to alter things because i myself don't even get a damn of how to improve.

He would remain as an unknown to me, so close yet so far. Never was a day passed by without me wondering about myself travel back in time to change things, to take back my words, or maybe to offer an apology. How would things have turned out and how different i would be if it didn't happen the way it is?

He would top my list on the regular things i have in mind. I remembered i was so fearful just the presence of him as he seemed so cool about everything with his somber expression and that i hardly catch a smile. And yet, he is beautiful. Charming. Smile that could melt a glazier. i wish that maybe someday, i could be the one who makes him smile, happy, most of all, i want to be us again.

Yeah, he would remain as an unknown, it feels as if it's etheral yet i still love him so.

22nd December

Ho ho ho... Happy Christmas and Merry New Year. Just finish watching Orphan with college-best-buddies and it's totally remarkable. It's so great to get another three days weekend that i wish Pup and Mum could come again, to go somewhere else, a place where i can hang out with them and escape from the school, of all the works, the studies that constantly keep me busy, because when i am at it, i couldn't really stop decently. So, i wish for a detour, so much.

i have already made up a few zestful New Year's wish-list.

First and foremost, i wish that everyone i know and love so much would life healthily and happily everyday because that are among the main things to have to live life. i wish that i don't have to deal with any lost. Next, i wish that i would get a satisfying, medical checkup results; currently diagnosed with hypertension. Oh well, i am totally cool about it. It wasn't as if it was completely accurate but there's quite a big possibility too. i am still figuring out to whether i should watch out my diet properly or not because growing up, still am, people just keep on telling me to eat as i like because i am still young and stuffs, there's like nil things to worry about and seriously, i wasn't really having a big deal about my body, my health. i feel fine, just pray to God that i don't get into sick like fever, fatigue, migraine or things alike that could hinder me from doing my regular works (never-ending homeworks.Gee, i swear that all those just coming out of nowhere no matter how much time i have spend on it, finishing it.Just keep on pouring out and i hardly able to catch my breath.) Then, it hit me like if i have to take good care of myself. This is the real thing about “live like you're dying” motto. i figured that i have so much things to discover, to explore, to experience, to love, to give thanks and i only fear of time. Fear of not having enough time to accomplish those major things before it's time. Then, i don't want to worry my parents too. i wish that Pup doesn't blame himself or feel guilty or anything, and need not to worry because he has give me life and even if this is inherited from him, i don't give a damn. i am always proud to be your daughter, to belong with you, to have a life with you.

The list is followed by having a solid answer to what i have been praying for, to be who i am supposed to be, who He regard that i should be, who He have granted me to be. i need to mingle with more knowledgable, wise and omnipotent people who could continuosly inspired me. For example, my new Biology Tutor teacher, which hold a PHD and speak super fluent English. He just shared so many things with us that i found none of those hinder me from achieving what i have been targetting but i feel so hopeful, so inspired, so energetic, so divine. Today, he was asking among some of the class members of how he/she would react if they are to become a doctor and having a patient asking their opinion of what they would do to a pregnant woman of a 3 months offspring diagnosed with Down Syndrome. First thing came into my mind was that Go with it. There has to be a reason that God made it the way it was. He knew that she would be a wonderful mother and the child would be like the happiest and lucky child ever under her lavish of love and protection. There couldn't be anything more beautiful than that. So, why are you hestating? It's a life and you have to be fair, give life to it because it's a wonderful world. Then, i thought of my cousin. i salute Aunt and Uncle as they have been the greatest parent ever after all those hardships and that She is destined for you two because God know that nobosy else is going to be as excellent and lovely and superb as you two in helping Him to take care of his beautiful creation. Thank you and God will bless you always.

p/s actually i knew that i wish for so much more things but let do it one step at a time.

25th December

Yesterday, went shopping withfriends. More of a window shopping and i just bought myself a new purse that i love so much. Absurd. i thought that i would eventually buy some clothes because i sort of sick and tired of the same old things. i guess that there have been something bugging me. i wish i was in KL. i wish that i was shopping with Mum. i wish that i am with my family. Nonetheless, with friends, that would be okay too but i prefer to wander alone.

Meeting up with Lamghai too at Ipoh Parade. Well. He hasn't change much except that he's gone taller and thinner. My faintest memmory of him would be that he's super good in Additional Mathematic. The guy scored hundred for a subject that i nearly failed. Whee. Sort of respect and adore him back in high school. wish him all the best too in his future.

26th December

i miss home like crazy!!! Just rang Mimi and told her what i have been craving for ; seafood !

i have issues with my fellow roomates. it always happen to me when i'm like so like that particular people, started to feel attach to them,her or him or whatever, it will turns out that i started to feel the opposite no longer after that. Maybe because i have too much expectation from people, like wanting people to agree with me, to go with my flow, to be someone who i expect them to be but everything's not happening according to my plan. So i'm pissed. Damn. At time like this, i miss home more!!!

i figured out, i mean i always knew that i'm not so good with people. i hope i could find more people, expecially those newly made friends that won't make me fidgetting around whenever i'm within their visible radius. i want to feel comfortable around people, don't have to pretend, just being myself. it isn't easy to find someone who we can talk, laugh, cry and do so much more things together without having to think of what impression we would have left on them, being natural, being decent, being impudent being eveything and totally feel secure and comfortable still after so much of ups and downs, after some inevitable embarassments, after confessing, after sharing. The list goes on. My point is that, i could like just talk about anything, everything, furious at him or her but still love her no matter what and cry together, mock each other, still, love like crazy. it has to be original, it has to be natural, it has to be genuine, it has to be real. Do wish that i could find one.

28th December

Hah. Today's the 30th of December 2009. i almost forgot that it was the last two days in the year 2009 and 2010 is following. What have i done with my 2009 and what's my new year's resolutions? i already have a long wish lists and resolutions are like more solemn, serious thing to ponder about.

#1 Read 50 books. for the record in 2009, i read only 32. i knew that i could do it better. Time's runnning fast. i feel like i might die anytime in 2010. Trying so hard to ignore the fact that i was misdiagnosed but i still feel slightly okay and cool about it. i wasn't really believe it and even if i go for blood check and body check up and the result turns worst, i think i am ready, partially. The hardest part would be to leave the people i loved around. i want to know what would happen in the afterlife? is there another life? Am i to transform into another “organism” in which i can view the life like a guardian angel and watch over the people i love before they too, join me? Am i to be reincarnated? How was it like, to be dead? Where is my mind? My soul? Where am i then?

#2 Be a better person. As in, don't always label people with “This one i hate”, “This one i dislike”. Learn to compliment. Help more people in need without hoping for any returns. Help like i want to, not i have to. Be more cmpassionate. Love more. Care more. the world is beautifull. Shit. i really feel like dying. Next, be more filial. i know that i already am but i can do more for my parents.

The list goes on.

It's the third day of new year. Thank God that i'm still breathing. Thank God that i'm still alive. Thank God that my blood vessels didn't burst out and screwed everything up in my body's system and lead to the D word.

i miss home like crazy. i have done studying. i still have time, i still have energy, i just lack of enthusiasm. it's not as if i've known every single things in the books, but i'm fairly ready for the test because i just want to get the heck out of here. Two weeks break are following and i can't wait. i guess that i have't get used to the life here, anywhere yet besides home. Damn. i don't like living with people, i barely know and trust and they kind of disgust me. i know i am bad for making such confession but whatever. Speaking my mind. i need more time for myself, i need privacy. i need to sing out loud, i want to watch movies on my own, i want to do a lot more things without any frantic eyes watching and questioning. i need my own space and i don't want sharing.

Okay. Miss home like crazy. So much things to do before i bid farewell to this wonderful world that i only regret for not given enough time to treasure its beauty.